Herbert The Hobbit
by Ashley Greenwood
Summary: He's back The tannest, tallest, most beautiful man of the Shire... Herbert The Hobbit OC ! Herbert has never been in love until he met Frodo, get ready for baggins booty butt sex!*I dont own anything except for herbert the smexy*!
1. Chapter 1

An Ashley Greenwood original, Herbert The Hobbit

*Disclaimer I do not own these characters, or locations except for Herbert he's smexy :)*

"_Hello I'm Herbert, nice to meet you,_

_I have golden brown hair, that in which is never ascue,_

_My body is sturdy and stable,_

_And my pecs are impeccable,_

_My eyes are like chestnuts,_

_I have never been in love but,_

_That was until I met the man with the nice butt…"_

Chapter 1: The return

" The Shire," Herbert said thoughtfully. You see I haven't been to the Shire in about a year or 7 months, So naturally Herbert missed his home a lot. As I looked upon the Shire I had a realization, "The Shire has a different energy about it," I yelled brightly. Now that I've realized that I ran towards my home town, because I was feeling excited.

" Herbert you're back," Bilbo Baggins yelled in his delightful voice.

I beamed, "Bilbo, I missed you so much," I jumped into his arms, because he is like my dad.

"Do you have the groceries," Dildo asked in a teacher sort of way.

Herbert then nodded reassuringly, "Of course how could I forget." I remember quite a while ago, Bilbo ordered me to go out and get some fruit for our fridge at home. Now about a year later I was back with groceries and everything.

"Oh thank you, Herbert you've always been a go-getter," Bilbo gushed with father like love. I smiled Bilbo was such a nice man, and I don't know what I would do without him, he's done a lot for me. You see my parents died when I was 7, I was so sad and alone, that's when Bilbo took me in with open arms.

" Herbert, there is going to be a party tonight you should go," Bilbo informed

" Anything for you dad," I answered, (I call him dad because he is practically my dad).

I then went inside my house and took a deep sniff, "The Shire," I whispered nostalgically. I put the groceries on the counter then into the fridge. I looked into the fridge and was shocked, " Bilbo needs to take care of himself it's been a year and no food?" I then wondered, "was he so sad without me he couldn't eat," I sighed with worry.

Then I walked into my bedroom it was decorated very well, you see I've always had a very artistic eye. I opened my closet to look for something to wear to the party, I haven't changed in a while you know.

In the end I chose a baby pink top with white pants, it really compliments my tan skin and flowing hair. I then headed to the party the party was amazing it had loud music and everything. Just then someone caught my eye he had, Curly short brown hair and bright baby blue eyes. Once I saw him standing alone I knew what I had to do, approach the man!

"Hi there, I'm Herbert," I introduced in a friendly manner. "Oh hi, I'm Frodo," The cutie answered with an innocent smile. Where will this all lead I thought to myself only time can tell…

Stay Tuned for Chapter 2 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	2. Chapter 2

An Ashley Greenwood original Herbert The Hobbit!

* I don't own any of these characters or locations except for the lovely Herbert*

"_Music Pumping,_

_Our bodies grinding,_

_Frodo takes my hand,_

_Looks at my chestnuts and.."_

Chapter 2: You shall never leave my heart

"Frodo…" Herbert said in a part moaning part sexy sort of voice. Frodo then gave me a look in a sort of way, that made me feel as if he would let me engage in intercourse with him. I then started to think of my father figure, Bilbo, so I decided to leave. I walked up to Bilbo who was wearing his spiffiest silver suit, "Hi dad," I said to him in a guilty way.

"Herbert, hello, having fun," Bilbo asked in his party voice. "Well yes," I answered in my shyest voice. Bilbo then took notice of what was going on, "Herbert?" I perked up automatically, "Yes papa." "Are you possibly horny," My dad (aka Bilbo) asked with a smile. I then looked down pants and then realized he was right, I in fact was horny. I then said quietly, "Papa knows best." Bilbo then giggled, "Well, you should go take care of that privately."

I then went inside the outhouse and took care of the huge situation downstairs. Once I was done wiping myself, I heard a knock on the door. Frodo then called out to me, " Herbert you should keep it down in there, are you having sex with someone in there?" I then pulled up my pants faster than you could say, "boner."

I ran out the door and tripped into Frodo's arms, my face turned pinker than my shirt, then everyone in the party said, "ooooooooo."

"Frodo what the eff are you doing," yelled a chubby man, I got worried because he was heading towards us. The man was a little over weight, but was very cute with a smile that reminds me of a cat, except I don't like him because I'm not a chubby chasing weirdo!

Frodo then gasped, " Sam it's not what you think."

"Oh yeah right, you just couldn't wait to ditch me to have sex in the out house by the fields," Sam yelled like a mad man. I then looked Sam in the eyes, Sam was taken back a slight bit, because of my beauty and I'm used to that. He then just turned away and walked off.

"He must've seen the innocence in you're eyes," Frodo informed me. I then blushed he obviously liked me, and I like him too. Just at that moment two perky almost identical looking boys approached me, "Pippin," Pippin said pointing to himself.

"Merry," Merry said also pointing to himself. They both were giddy and smiling I couldn't help but smiling too.

"Hey do you like Fireworks," Merry asked. "Well, yeah who doesn't," I replied with a slight bit of sass in my voice. Pippin then piped in, "They're a banging good time." Then they both grabbed my hand , and ran off. I then watched them as they were setting up fireworks. "Wait that isn't a good idea," I yelled so loud I hurt my ears. It was too late thought they set off the fireworks, and it was big, really big, a super large dragon! I then shrieked, Merry and Pippin both grabbed me to make sure I was safe and didn't get hurt. The dragon flew above me and flew faster than the speed of sound, and roared louder than a dragon! It was over quickly though because it was faster than the speed of sound remember? "Speech, Speech, Speech," People at the party were chanting, apparently papa Bilbo was going to talk on the stage (that's the definition of speech you know). "Alright, alright, it looks like we've had another successful party," Bilbo started out in a settle down sort of voice. Everyone cheered. "But that was all thanks to the return of the man that is kind of like my son, Herbert," Bilbo stated. Everyone then clapped while looking at me, my tummy then felt all fuzzy inside, I liked it. Frodo put his arm around me but of course Sam slapped it away, Merry and Pippin laughed, and so did everyone else. "Well I have to go now," Bilbo mumbled then vanished into the sky which used to be clear about and hour ago, but now has turned into thick fog. At that moment everyone ran over to give me hugs and comfort, it makes me smile thinking about how much everyone cares. However I ran bawling to my house, I ran in and shut the door behind me, and plopped myself on the floor. My tears hit the floor hardly, and in the pretty moonlight sparkled gently. My hands reached in my pocket and cluched my amulet of courage that my real dad gave me tightly. I remember as he was on his death bed he gave it to me and said, "whenever your scared hold this and think of me and you will be granted courage." I then inhaled the smell that the amulet held I could smell the courage on it, not only that but the spirit of the real papa. It was burgundy and brown and shaped like an acorn. Everything will be alright as long as I carry my father in my pocket I thought to my self.

Stay tuned for chapter 3 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	3. Chapter 3

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer, I don't own any of these characters, or locations except for Herbert the great one*

" _I thought we would never be apart,_

_It's you whos causing this hurt in my heart,_

_Why wont you come back to stay,_

_I just can't go on this way…"_

Chapter 3: Start of something new

"Life," I whispered to myself in my sleep. I woke up realizing I fell asleep on the floor made of the finest wood a hobbit could build. I rubbed my eyes then gasped, "I forgot to change into my pjs before going to sleep!" I skipped diligently into the shower, for some nice moments with myself. I slowly stripped and rubbed my abs, just to find out they were still big and hard. I got into the shower and had the water drip down me, the water looked beautiful like a river as they flowed down my muscles. I threw my hair into the hot, yummy water, and poured shampoo that I got at Sephora on it. Then it was time to rinse and repeat I sighed it felt heavenly like Frodo's body. I finished myself off with conditioner and body wash (all designer of course).

Softly I exited the shower with a white towel around me (it complemented my tan well). I looked into the mirror there was not a single pimple or blemish on my face, I was all wet and naked. Many people tell me I'm beautiful and describe me as Fabio except younger and hotter. I picked out my outfit that looked great on me, I was wearing a mint green tank top, with a white blazer, mint green scarf, white skinny jeans, and white dressy sneakers. After I got all dressed and pretty there was a knock at the door. I ran to the door and in a singing/ talking voice yelled, "coooooominnnng!" I opened the door to be greeted by Frodo's beautiful smile, to me Frodo's smile represents innocence and purity in every form of those words.

"Hey Herbert, um looking handsome," Frodo said while fidgeting and blushing.

"Thanks, you too Frodo," I answered back, I was happy this must mean Frodo appreciates my designer perfume. "Well I was thinking about going on a shopping date with you today," Frodo was starting to ask me out. I didn't answer just grabbed his hand, and headed out. We walked down sunset blvd there were palm trees every where, we joined in a no on prop 8 protest, and Frodo bought me a necklace, it was a diamond heart that had the words "LOVE" written on it. After a day of love and fun with Frodo we headed back to my house.

"Well that was fun," I announced.

" I agree a banging good time," Frodo nodded the nod of innocence.

"You know what else would be a banging good time," I asked with a wink. Me and Frodo looked at each other within a second we were making out all hot and heavy. I took off my shirt and Frodo was shocked, " Those are the hottest abs ever!!!"

I grinned and took off his shirt, his stomach was flat, but didn't have abs, however his body seemed to sparkle and produce innocence in it's finest form. Right when I was about to go in his butt there were knocks on the door, "Herbert, Oh Herbeeeert," It was Merry and Pippin they were peeping through the windows and saw Frodo bending over. "Hurry Pippin look," Merry yelled as he was poking Pippin! "Gee willikers," Pippin yelled and pointed.

I then pushed Frodo, "hurry hide!" Frodo rushed into my closet of designer goodness, as I answered the door.

"Herbert we saw you and Frodo in the window," Merry yelled, "yeah," Pippin piped in. " Guess what were telling Sam on you," Pippin piped in again!

"It's not what you think you guys," I explained in a non sexy manner to avoid suspicion.

Merry then interrogated, "Oh yeah, the what was it a game of naked Twister?!"

"No, Frodo told me he could touch his toes, so I told him to prove it," I answered with a finger and head wag. There was a silence it seemed like everyone bought it. "Wow, Herbert you have a 200 dollar rhinestoned thong in here," Frodo yelled in amazement.

Merry and Pippin seemed amazed and ran over to the closet, "where did you find it Frodo?"

"Dirty Clothes hamper," Frodo answered.

Pippin busted in and inspected the thong, "This is the nicest thong I've seen in my life!"

Frodo the giggled, "Herbert should model it for us!" Everyone giggled and blushed.

Merry then busted in, " Herbert, there is going to be a surprise party for you tonight to cheer you up." I then was excited Herbert loves a good party.

Later that night we went to the party, I went with Frodo and Pippin.

"I'm still going to tell Sam on you," Pippin whispered in my ear.

I pulled Pippin aside, "No you can't!"

"I wont if you play naked Twister with me too," Pippin giggled with an impish smile.

I pushed Pippin, "No you stupid, frikken, no-good, pervert." I was raging with anger and Pippin shrugged.

"You cant erase your naked body from my memory though," Pippin said with a wink.

I yelled, "YOU BETTER ERASE IT RIGHT NOW!" Everyone in the party glared at Pippin, "What did Herbert ever do to you Pippin," A party goer questioned/yelled.

I then went to get some punch as I was over there though Frodo was going into a house with an old man, with a squiggly long beard, and raggedy clothes that weren't designer.

"Oh so he can't go all the way with me, but he can go all the way with a grandpa," I started talking to myself.

"You almost went all the way with Frodo," a angry man voice yelled from behind me. I turned around, IT WAS SAM! Once I saw him I ran into my house, because Frodo broke my heart. I changed into my nicest silk pajamas and slipped into bed with a frown on my face and my heart. The next morning I woke up feeling calm and collected until I heard people in my backyard talking, "Did you hear Frodo left the shire!"

Stay tuned for chapter 4 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	4. Chapter 4

An Ashley Greenwood original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I do not own any of these Charaters or locations except for the one and only HERBERT*

"_that night,_

_When I tried to stick it in, you put up a fight,_

_You slept with the elderly,_

_Elderly instead of me, _

_Im tired of your lies,_

_And it's too late to…"_

_Chapter 4: Despair in the Shire_

"Gone," I sighed to myself as I was sitting up in my bed of silk and velvet. I entered the shower like a man in depression. It cant be true after all Frodo and I have been through, how can he just leave like this? I washed my hair with my Sephora shampoo, however I didn't repeat just rinsed. I put in some conditioner, but not as much.

"Gone," I sighed again except this time I felt dizzy like I was going to faint at the thought of no more Frodo. I exited the shower without putting on body wash because I was that sad at the thought of no fordo. Because I was sad I went in front of the sink and splashed water all over my face, I looked in the mirror and the water drops were going down my face all sexy like.

I put on a black laced turtle neck, with a white cashmere cardigan unbuttoned, black leggings, with black dress shoes with a white rose on top, my hair was curled and I looked great, but depressed. I opened the door to the outdoor world and yelled, "FRODOOOOO!"

People stopped to look concerned at me as I ran through the shire, "FRODO!" Still didn't see him, "FRODO WHERE ARE YOU?!"

"Looking for Frodo Herbert," An kind voice said with a slight bit of scragegle.

I turned around, IT WAS THE MAN FRODO HAD SEX WITH!

"YOU, how dare you ask me that," I snapped in my sassiest voice.

"Thy seem to be upset and Im not quite sure why thou are mad at moi," The man said in an understanding mythical voice.

I lectured him, "You know why, don't play silly with me!"

He seemed shocked, " The sense has been knocked out of you!"

"Oh yeah how bout I have guts knocked out of you" I yelled in a come and get me sort of voice.

I then pounced the man with every muscle in my body (in a fighting way not sex sort of way).

My chestnut eyes were turning green (they often do when Im angry), my strength grew immense and I threw him to the northern section of the Shire. The man though, had super speed he ran up to me in less than a second.

" Shugumagalonguria," he shouted a spell that put him in a shield bubble.

" Now Herbert what's wrong," He asked in the protection of his own bubble.

I remained silent I didn't have anything to say to a man stealer.

The man then continued, "You don't have to say anything I can read minds so I already know what's wrong, the name's Gandalf." "Why did you do it, tell me why you screwed Frodo tell me right now," I demanded in an angry homo sort of way.

" I didn't you have to understand, I sent Frodo on a mission," Gandalf explained, He then told me a story about some evil ring.

Out in the distance I heard a familiar sound the sound I love, heavy bass and auto tune! Pippin then ran at me with a lamp shade on his head, "Herbert, wild party going on right now," Pippin peeped through his lamp shade at me. I ran to the party they were playing my song, it was about sex.

The entire song though I couldn't stop inserting Frodo's name in the song, the song was about sex you know. I just had to follow Frodo on his journey, so I went up on stage.

"Hello everyone," I started everyone stopped to listen. Gandalf was staring me down he could read minds, so I was scared.

Everyone stared at me as I thought of Frodo and thinking of being with him.

"NOOOOO," Gandalf ran up on stage and jumped on top of me right as I teleported out of the Shire.

"HERRRRRBERRRRT," everyone yelled as both me and Gandalf disappeared.

Merry started to cry, " Without Herbert why would we throw great parties like this, we wouldn't!"

Pippin piped in, " There is no reason to celebrate anymore the life of the party… is gone."

Stay tuned for chapter 5 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	5. Chapter 5

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I do not own any of these characters or locations except for the amazing Herbert!*

"_Thy have left with out me,_

_For this I will go on a journey,_

_This task will be dangerous,_

_But this is for the two of us…."_

Chapter 5: Gandalf, I think were not in The Shire anymore

"Woods," I sighed to myself (I said this because me and Gandalf were in the woods!)

"Estupido," Gandalf yelled at me while shaking his can.

I looked back about two miles behind us was The Shire, we were too far away to go back now I must keep going.

"Thou can't follow Frodo," Gandalf said in a epic voice.

"Yes I can Gandalf," I replied with the fire of love in my eyes.

Gandalf then screamed at the top of his lungs, "Herbert Dior Von Furstenburg, you cannot do this!"

I paused in shock it all came back to me, that was my full name!

I started to speak, "Where did you learn my fu-fu full name?"

Gandalf then explained with a nod of the head, "I'm a mind reader remember."

Oh man I can't remember anything since my parents have died, you see I have a very unusual case of amnesia.

Gandalf then pointed his fingers at me and started wiggling them and moving them around, "Urgugu la brainosis yalala memories!!!!"

All of a sudden I had a huge headache, "AGGGGGGGGH MY HEAAAAAD HURTS WITH THE TRUTH!" Everything went black I fainted!

A memory started to come in my head, me and my parents were on a trip to Middle Earth for a charity event for the needy of Middle Earth (We lived in Northern Earth which is full of rich people.) My mom and dad were very famous fashion designers, probably the most fashionable fashion designers too, we were billionares. Every one at the event was their clothes left and right it was insane, everyone was telling my parents that they had a little model as a son, (I was fierce and fashionable even back then.) Everyone ooohed and ahhed at me and the clothing. Everything was great until we were heading back home.

Me and my family were in our auto mobile until randomly a laser of fire came out of nowhere and shot both of my parents, I was petite back then so I hid behind a bush. For a full day I was walking the empty fields until I ran into a friendly man named Bilbo.

"You don't have any parents," Bilbo announced.

'That's true," I said with innocence radiating from my eyes like an radiator.

Bilbo then paused then said, "You're coming home with me." Ever since then I lived with Biblo, well until now.

I then woke up in a log cabin, it looked super cheap and so not me, and even worse ROCK MUSIC WAS BEING PLAYED! Then I noticed my clothes have been changed into an ugly plaid flannel shirt when I looked at the tag it said, "Volcom" on it, "EWWW MALL BRAND," I yelled in the most grossed out voice possible fro emphisise on how upset I was. Gandalf then ran in, "Why are thy screaming," Gandalf questioned. I looked up and was shocked Gandalf was wearing a hoodie that said Volcom on it with skinny jeans and big bulky Vans.

"Gandalf what the eff are you wearing take it off," I said with a catty school girl look on my face.

"Sorry I wont play naked Twister with you Herbert," Gandalf said with a wink and finger wag.

I seemed shocked, " You don't want to have sex with me?"

Gandalf looked confused with a grin on his gentle face, "Oh so you want to?"

I responded, "Ew no you're old!"

Gandalf then sighed, " Oh well I was hoping you did," he started mumbling.

I then questioned him, " What did you say oooold mann?"

Gandalf then singed, "Noooooooothhhhhiiiing!"

A man dressed like a skater walked in with an axe in his hand, "You boys okay in there?"

Me and Gandalf jumped up real quick, "Perfect," we both said at the same time, but when we jumped up my pants fell off!

"Don't have sex in my bed Herbert," The Man said.

"We weren't having sex I swear." I explained.

Gandalf then smiled with his twinkle eyes, "It wont happen again."

The man giggled, "that's what I thought," I was mad we weren't doing it, but Gandalf wished we were!

"What's up man do you like me," I Asked Gandalf in a man sorta voice.

" No it's just a itty bitty crush," Gandalf responded with a blush.

I then looked disturbed, "Well we should head out I don't want to be in a bedroom with you."

"No we can't go," Gandalf jumped on my bed and grabbed my hand, he made my bed rock. Our eyes met and Gandalf's eyes told a long story of sadness and being scared.

"Gandalf what's wrong," I asked with a burst of concern in my voice. Gandalf stayed silent, "I'm too ashamed to talk about it." Gandalf seemed comforted at the thought that he had a friend like me. I nodded my head so he knew I wanted to hear more.

Gandalf then started, " For the past century… I've been dealing with sexual harassment!"

Stay tuned for Chapter 6 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	6. Chapter 6

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I do not own any of these characters, locations, or products, except for the magical Herbert!*

"_The man with the long white mane,_

_All this time secretly in pain,_

_He told me a secret,_

_Oh I hope I can keep it…"_

Chapter 6: The Chase 'o'

" Sexual harassment," I sighed to myself in shock with a teaspoon of oh my god! Gandalf nodded and his beard looked very long and kind of dried out.

" Dang Gandalf when was the last time that you used conditioner on that mane of yours," I questioned in a grossed out way.

" Oh ummmm, about a couple years," Gandalf replied obviously in deep though over the matter.

"Well your hair is nappy as hell, you better use mine," I threw him some conditioner (Sephora conditioner of course). Gandalf gave it a sniff, he smiled just a bit, I think he likes Strawberries. Gandalf then walked off to the shower in the strange house that we were in.

I then thought to myself, " Oh no I hope he doesn't ask me to shower with him!"

"Hey Herbert," Gandalf started to ask me something, probably a booty call. I pretended to throw up, Gandalf started laughing, I don't know why, maybe he likes potty humor. I learned a lot about Gandalf within the past 5 minutes I feel as if I've known him for about 5 years already! The man with the axe who was housing us came in the room, "Hi Herbert you thirsty can I get you anything to sip on."

"Maybe some nice fruity tea, or a cosmo," I replied in my most dignified voice, probably didn't impress him though because he likes stupid mall brands! I went out to his dinner table it was plain wood table, probably not even real wood, fake wood most likely.

"Here," The man handed me a can of Monster.

I then gasped, " ewww, I don't uhh."

The man then looked at me I think he thought I was weird but I don't care the man stunk of Axe any ways. For about an hour we were just sitting awkwardly in silence, because we didn't have anything in common, nothing in common! I then heard a door open, Gandalf came out of the shower!!!!! Gandalf's beard and hair were swaying in the wind they looked so smooth, he could've been in a hair commercial, he probably won 'Best Hair' in High School! The man with the axe gasped Gandalf was naked, I was in AWE! Gandalf then looked down and saw he was naked, "oooooopsiiiiiessss," Gandalf said while singing. He then changed back to his normal robes,

"Hey you're not wearing the Volcom hoodie I gave you," The man with the axe yelled at Gandalf.

" That's because it sucks," I yelled as I took off the awful skater clothing, as I found my clothes and put them back on.

"Designer clothes," I sighed with heavenly relief.

The man shook his axe at us, " Why you little sassy pants you Herebert!" Me and Gandalf ran out the door and back into the woods, we then rolled down the hill outside of his house, Gandalf giggled like crazy.

"Tick tick ticklegulokldif," Gandalf shouted a spell, then hands came out of nowhere and tickled me! I was busting up, Gandalf seemed 'tickled' at the sound of my laughter. As we were walking in the woods tension started to build, a slight buzzing was heard in the distance.

Gandalf then froze, " I-I-I I know that sound," he had tears coming out of his eyes. I was very confused buzzing scares him, maybe he doesn't like bees?

But that wasn't the case off in the distance a robotic voice said, "Droooooid!" Gandalf then dashed off and grabbed my hand, " Hurry behind this rock!" We then hid behind the rock, I peeked out and saw a glowing rectangular device, with wings flapping about, "Droooooid," The device repeated. It then found it's way to Gandalf.

"AGHHHH NOOOOOO," Gandalf screamed in terror, I looked closely it has a message on it, I touched it to see a text appear on the screen. Gandalf then looked up to read it.

" It says: Hey Babe what you wearing ;p," Gandalf read aloud.

"UGGGGGH AHHHHH, DAMN SEXTERS!!!" Gandalf screamed as the thing flew away.

I looked at him in a concerned way, "This really upsets you huh?"

"YES, I've been getting these for a century, and I don't like it," Gandalf bawled as he pounded the ground.

"Who has been doing this to you," I asked like a therapist.

Gandalf sniffled and picked his nose, " I don't know."

Gandalf continued, " But, I'm gonna find out who's behind all of this!" His eyes had very determined tears in his eyes, he was going to face his fears, "You're joining me right Herbert?"

"Sure," I answered happily, I know I was on a mission to find my love Frodo, but I'm sure I could help my buddy Gandalf too right?

Stay Tuned for Chapter 7 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	7. Chapter 7

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I do not own any of these Characters, locations, or products except for the orgasmic Herbert!*

" _Every single day,_

_Things went that way,_

_Must be tough to get those sexts,_

_What could happen next…"_

Chapter 7: Girl To Girl

"Droid," I sighed in the most thoughtful way possible.

Gandalf then jumped, "agh don't thy say that Herbert or else moi is going to shank thou in the butt." I nodded because I always respect my elders, and Gandalf is in fact old. Gandalf then looked me in the eyes and grabbed my chin and said intimately, " I love you like the son I've never had Herbert, and I would like to adopt you as my garandson."

I gasped I would love to have Gandalf as my grandpa!

Gandalf was staring me down, and reading my mind then he proclaimed, " Oh, I just read you're mind and you want me to be your grandpa!"

I smiled because he was right I did want Gandalf to be my grandpa!

Gandalf looked at me with a big decision in his eyes, " lets go to the city by here, I don't know what its called, but it has an adoption agency."

I gasped even louder this time, because Gandalf already is like a grandpa to me.

We then skipped to the city, so Gandalf could fill out the papers to be my grandpa, it's a long process so I brought a Fashion Magazine. As we stepped into the city I noticed that everyone was fashionable, so I knew there HAD to be some designer boutiques around here.

"Gandalf I'm so tired of this outfit, we have to go buy me a new one pretty please," I begged with my big chestnuts sticking out.

Gandalf rolled his eyes but he understood, he has always thought I had great style, and voted me most fashionable of the Shire about a year ago. We pretty soon came up to a store, when we got inside they had so many designer things. Gandalf was in awe, he probably has never bought a designer item before, "Come on silly Gandalf," I said in a girlish way. I went and picked out an outfit for myself and went into the dressing room to try it on, it was a baby blue V-neck t-shirt, with a brown short sleeved cardigen, baby blue skinny jeans, brown lace up oxfords, and a cute little necklace.

"What do you think," I said as I posed for Gandalf.

Gandalf looked sad, " well yes great I just, I don't know."

"Girl are you just hating because you aren't getting anything," I asked sounding as if I was a ghetto princess. Gandalf turned his head he so wanted to be fashionable, so I gave him permission to pick out an outfit. Gandalf came back to the dressing room in an instant and wanted to change with me.

"Okay now close your eyes Herbert," Gandalf said while giggling, I'm a good boy so I did what he said. Gandalf then giggled again, " Okay now open them," I opened my eyes and Gandalf was in just designer briefs!

"Ah," I shouted shockedly, Gandalf then told me he was just kidding and that he wanted me to close my eyes again. I can't believe it Gandalf so wants a piece of me, but he did look rather good, he had a six pack, slightly wrinkled, but still a six pack. Gandalf then uncovered my eyes, "Oh my god look at you Gandalf you're looking cute," I said all fabulous like. Gandalf was wearing a white laced cami, a unbuttoned pink and white gingham shirt, white capris, and white jeweled sandals. We both were admiring ourselves in the mirror, when suddenly a song about just wanting to have fun came on, "That's my favorite song ever," Gandalf said in a happy sort of way. Me and Gandalf danced in front of the mirror to the song, it was Gandalf's jam. After the song ended we left with our new outfits on, Gandalf looked so good a random guy whistled at him, "Take it off shawty!" Gandalf responded by twirling the gingham shirt on his finger.

We entered the adoption agency, "Hello there I'm Gandalf, and I'd like to register Herbert Dior Von Furstenburg as my grandson," Gandalf announced to the lady at the register. The lady then looked down at her computer and looked me up in the system, " Oh, Herbert it says you're parents are dead."

"AGH MY PARENTS," I yelled as I grabbed my head I was starting to have a flashback of my parents, then I fainted! Soon I woke up in a hospital, with Gandalf by my bedside, "You fainted Herbert, you have such a delicate body you know." I nodded weakly suddenly a bunch of doctors came in, "Oh Herbert you're awake we were worried sick about you," I smiled it warms my heart to know everyone was concerned over me.

"So, Gandalf did you get me registered as your grandson," I asked curiously as I sat up in a dignified way.

"Well you see that's the thing Herbert," The doctors started to say something, my chestnuts grew big.

A doctor then finished his sentence, " You see Gandalf is already your grandpa." I gasped me and Gandalf are related, even though he totally has the hots for me?!

Stay Tuned for Chapter 8 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	8. Chapter 8

**An Ashley Greenwood Original ****Herbert The Hobbit****!**

***Disclaimer I do not own any of these Characters, Locations, or products except for the smextacticle Herbert!***

" _**We are related,**_

_**Makes me exasperated,**_

_**I Don't like incest,**_

_**Just have to make the best…"**_

**Chapter 8: The Chosen one**

"**Grandpa," I sighed to myself, you see apparently Gandalf is my grandpa. Gandalf smiled his eyes were dancing and I could tell he was excited, he was giggling and slightly bouncing.**

"**Oh my, well we'll leave you two love birds alone," said the banging hot doctor, as he shut the door with a smile, he put up a sign that said, "Do not disturb," in rhinestone letters. Gandalf then pounced on my bed because he was happy, Gandalf made my bed rock.**

**Gandalf then beamed, "Oh, I'm so happy you're my grandson, muchos gracias for being my kawaii grandson!" I turned my head fiercely so my hair could swish in the air, I was not happy, I pouted my designer lipgloss coted lips. Gandalf looked at me with eyes of an angel, they looked like they were baby blue and his eye shadow complimented them.**

"**What's wrong my cherie," Gandalf asked as he tilted his head like a long lost puppy. I looked away my chestnuts were feeling wet, "It's just…never mind," I started to say something but I'm polite and don't like to hurt feelings. **

**Gandalf then scooted in closer and put his arm around me and leaned in for a kiss.**

**I then shoved him away and looked like an upset underwear model, "Gandalf, for the last time I'm not having sex with you, you're my grandpa!"**

"**Just once nobody will find out Herbert, oh please, oh pretty please," Gandalf got on his knees and sucked up to me, (eww not like that). **

**I then shouted, "No my heart belongs to Frodo, after all we've been through I can't just let him down like that!" Gandalf then looked down and made a whimpering noise, just like an anime! He then hesitated and looked up, "Herbert you mean the world to me, and I really care for you and stuff," Gandalf said while looking me in the eyes. **

"**You don't understand do you, I know I wrote this song for you, if I sing it to you then you would understand," Gandalf said as he sat by my bedside.**

" _**I know all yo secrets,**_

_**Cuz we're so close, (closee ooooh),**_

_**I hope there no regrets,**_

_**This is the path I chose,**_

_**This choice is to bang you,**_

_**Oh Herbert I want you as my boo,**_

_**Could you go out wit me,**_

_**You'll be my only shawty, **_

_**Just take a chance wit me,**_

_**Oooo Herbert is so sexy,**_

_**Herbert is so fine,**_

_**Want Herbert to sex me,**_

_**Want that shawty to be miiiine oooooooooooooo ooo ooo ooooo!"**_

**Gandalf then stopped singing, I gasped he had the sexiest voice ever, he sounded like he could be black! I walked over and put my arm around him, "It's okay I understand Gandalf," I said as if I was a counseler. Gandalf checked out my chestnuts, " I knew you had a soft spot for R&B," Gandalf said in a sweet voice that sounded like dark chocolate.**

"**I didn't know you were an R&B fan," I whispered as I played with his lustrous locks. Gandalf then blushed, "Well honestly I never wanted to be a wizard." I gasped, because he was the best wizard ever!**

**Gandalf then giggles like an adorable little girl, " My dream was always to become the most popular R&B singer in the world, so I kept a journal of all my original songs," Gandalf giggles as he hands me a journal. I looked through it and on a page full of hearts was the song he just sung for me it was called, "Herbert's my Shawty." **

**I kept flipping through, " Oh my god, Gandalf these would all be number 1 on the charts," I shouted. Gandalf jumped up and down, Gandalf made my bed rock again.**

**Then all of a sudden there was a loud scream in the distance, "AHHHH A MONSTER!"**

**Me and Gandalf ran into the city, they were right there was a huge monster attacking the city, "Stand back Herbert," Gandalf commanded as he lifted his wand.**

"**Show your self," Gandalf's voice went boom, the monster turned around and it wasn't really a monster it was a lady in disguise as a monster, she took off her costume. **

"**I only put on this monster costume so people wouldn't know who I am," She mouned in a highly sexual manner. She had a great body, She had an perfect hourglass figure, pale skin, tight red leather mini dress, wavy black hair, black stilettos, and a sexy face with lots of makeup and natural beauty.**

**Gandalf yelled angrily, " Tell me your name!"**

"**Oh me, I'm the Orctress, queen of the Orcs," Orctress said with the look of sex on her face. She ran up and took Gandalf's wand, " Shuag majid nhke jul!" Gandalf was put in a force field, "Now Herbert if you don't marry me and become the king of the Orcs, I will kill Gandalf," Orctress yelled.**

**I screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY LOVE IS TOO PURE!" **

"**Okay then watch this," Orctress winked at me then casted a spell on Gandalf, Gandalf screamed then started to cry.**

"**Herbert please help meeeeeee," Gandalf bawled in the corner. I looked down at the diamond heart necklace Frodo gave me, it was glowing!**

"**The power of love is in you Herbert," Frodo's innocent voice proclaimed through the necklace. The necklace started to shake, a bright light appeared and all of a sudden my shirt tore open to expose my six pack and impeccable pecs, I could feel the love in me I felt powerful! I rushed towards the Orctress and raised my hand in the air then towards her, "Love Beaaaaaaaam!" **

"**Agh noooo the love it hurrrrts," Orctress yelled as she hopped on her broom stick and flew home. Gandalf then was freed, he ran and hugged me tightly, "You're the best boy I've ever met!" Our happy reunion was then interrupted, when a holographic image of a girl appeared, "Herbert there's no time to explain but the world is in great danger, you are the chosen one," The woman wailed in a fairy princess voice.**

**I then gasped, "The Chosen one?"**

"**No time to explain just hurry find Frodo," The lady shouted as she dissapperad.**

**Me and Gandalf looked at each other right as the wind blew, we had an adventure to go on!**

**Stay Tuned for Chapter 9 of ****Herbert The Hobbit!**


	9. Chapter 9

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products except for the magical Herbert*

" _I'm The Chosen one,_

_So my job will never be done,_

_You are my chosen one,_

_Frodo I think you are the one…"_

Chapter 9: Finding Frodo

"Chosen one," I sighed to myself as if I was in an adult movie. Gandalf's hair was blowing in the wind and it looked soft and his eye shadow still looked great. Me and Gandalf walked away from that city (we forgot to ask what the city was called), we were off to find my lover Frodod.

"I always knew you were the chosen one Herbert, it shows in your eyes," Gandalf said in his prophecy voice.

"What does the chosen one do," I asked with my innocence showing.

"Well I don't know Herbert, I do not know Herbert," Gandalf replied with tears coming down his face as he uncovered his eyes to show that tears were coming down them. I can't stand people crying, because I am sensitive, so tears came down my face.

Gandaf then gasped, " Herberet your tears!" I looked down my tears were turning into glitter, and when they hit the ground then all the flowers appeared on the ground! Then all of a sudden there was a noise, the kind of noise I recognized, it was a buzzing noise, me and Gandalf froze.

"Drooooooooooid," the noise in the distance said, Gandalf screamed, It was that Sexter again!

Gandalf's head turned sharply and the camera zooms in on his face, "Oh no," Gandalf mumbled in a here we go calm matter. Gandalf then shrieked and ran, I ran after him but then I tripped. The phone was right above me with it's wings flapping rapidly, it said, "new text message," on the phone.

"Herbert," Gandalf gasped as his hair blew in the wind, Gandalf froze he wasn't sure weather to go get me or not, because the phone scares him. I then caught up with Gandalf, me and him ran, then he jumped into the sewer, "Herbert hurry in," Gandalf yelled while holding up his hands.

"OMG Gandalf it smells in there I ain't going in there," I said in my divalicious voice, but when I looked back and heard the device say, "Drooooooooid," I decided to close my eyes and jump in!

I shreik, " EEEEEEEKS!" Then I fell into Gandalf's arms, he caught me, we both fell onto the sidewalk. When I look up Gandalf looked relieved and looked me in the eyes lovingly, so I pushed him.

"NO Gandalf you're my grandpa we can't do it in the sewer," I yelled in an anti sexual way. Gandalf then looked sad, and then we heard a man, "Yo who goes there," he was talking to us! The man was wearing a baggy red t-shirt, baggy dark blue jeans, and some very fly kicks. We were in the Ghetto! He looked at us and laughed, " Man, you're not gonna' survive here lemme give you some clothes." I gasped I was hoping that the clothes would be designer but I knew they wouldn't be. The man gave us a make over, I was now wearing a neon purple hat, neon green baggy shirt, some bling, neon purple baggy skinny jeans, and some super fly kicks. Gandalf had his hair done in corn rows, baggy black hoodie, big gold dollar sign , big baggy black jeans, and white fresh kicks. After our make over we felt like brand new boys. We walked through the Ghetto and saw a bunch of hot black break dancers, they were checking me out.

" O my goodness Herbert, he's walking over here," Gandalf blushed and whispered in my ear. The man walked over and took off his shirt, and oh my god he had a six pack!

"Shawty you so sexy," the chocolate man said while putting his hands in my hair. I blushed black men are my favorite, in fact all the guys I've ever liked were black!

"Yo homie where is Rivendale," Gandalf asked while flashing gang signs.

"Oh, uh, follow me I'll show ya," The black man said. We followed him and all the guys were pointing at me, "Shawty in a thong," one of them yelled, "Whoa," The other one yelled, another two said, "whoa, whoa whoa." I strutted my stuff for them because I love black guys. The guy that we were following looked back at me he was liking it, Gandalf glared at him, "Eyes off my man," Gandalf snapped at him. The black guy gave him a what the, sort of look because it was obvious I didn't like Gandalf.

"Sorry, My grandpa kind of has a crush on me," I slightly giggled, the guy chuckled.

"Yeah been there done that, it's normal really," The man said with a smooth flow in his dark chocolate voice. Gandalf then threw off his hoodie, and yelled, " Hey you should back off my man," the man then backed Gandalf up against the wall. Gandalf then took out his wand, " jhudhuslfj ga ga ooh la la gfndo." Then all of a sudden the man turned into a white guy! I laughed and me and Gandalf ran off, we saw a ladder heading up, so we headed up.

We arrived in a beautiful city, that was very prety. I looked around and I heard a familiar voice pipe in, "hey, turn around it's Herbert!" I looked up and then the wind blew and….. IT WAS FRODO!

Stay Tuned for Chapter 10 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	10. Chapter 10

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these products, Characters, or locations except for The Great Herbert!*

" _All Gathered Together,_

_Makes me feel better than ever,_

_Me and Frodo Together Forever,_

_We have known each other forever,_

_So let's stay together forever…"_

Chapter 10: Reunited, feels good.

"Frodo," I sighed to myself out loud, as I looked at Frodo his eyes were filled with innocence and I know he thinks mine are too. Then a short dwarf man with a big beard, big bling, a Gucci bandana, and fly kicks approached me

"Yoooooooou, are looking dope Herbert, My name's Gimly," Gimly said with a lot of swagger. I smiled I'm pretty sure he said this, because I'm dressed like a black person.

I then replied to Gimly, " Oh you must like my clothes, because it's ghetto fabulous." Frodo then grabbed my hand, "Herbert and I are in love," Frodo announced to the whole world. I blush, "Oh my god Frodod, not in front of everyone," everyone then said, "awwww" Sam glared he was a little green eyed gorgeous monster.

Then a tall man with long blond hair, a gorgeous face, a long navy blue laced tunic, white leggings, and navy blue wedges approached me.

"Like Oh my God Herbert, we need to go shopping together, my names Legolas," Legolas said while showing off his French Manicure.

"Yeah," I answered happily. Then a sexy rugged man came up to me he was a brunette with a sexy beard, he was into indie sort of music, he was wearing some black band t-shirt of some weird indie group, black skinny jeans, black combat boots, and ripped arm muscles.

"Hi, I'm Aragon, I hear you're into lame mainstream music," he said, he had a look on his face as if he just saw an old person naked.

I glared, "Yes, I do I love Hip-hop, you know REAL music."

Aragon laughed, " You're just as stupid with Gimly when it comes to music."

"YAH," Gimly yelled as he jumped in Aragon's face, Aragon ran away looking scared. We all then went walking to the mall to get some clothes and stuff, we saw a designer store, we went in. Me and Frodo were holding hands, as we looked around at the dresses, then Legolas appeared, "Hey Herbert, come with me to the dressing room I picked out a outfit for you to wear." Legolas tugged me away from Frodo, he looked upset.

In the dressing room there was a ruffled peach colored top, skin tight cream colored short shorts, and cute gladiator styled sandals. I tried it on with Legolas in the room, Legolas gasped, " Herbert you look gorgeous," he gasped like an Herbert fan girl as he put a peach headband on me.

I gushed, " Legolas you're so fashionable, you're like a style icon!"

"Well I did graduate college as a fashion major," Legolas bragged. I then gasped because that's what I want to be. Then Sam crawled under the stall, Then all of a sudden my clothes started flying off!

"Sam you pervert get out of here," I squeled as I was covering myself.

Sam then yelled and cornered me, " No, I knew you were cheating on Frodo, I'm telling Frodo on you!" I gasped, "No Frodo means, the world to me!"

Sem then thought then suggested, " Well I won't tell, if you show me what's under your clothing."

"No Herbert is too innocent for that," Legolas yelled, everyone was silent.

"Herbert has never done anything bad in his life, and he is my best friend," Legolas bawled. Then Pippin crawled into the stall.

"Herbert, I saw you and Legolas having a love affair just now," Pippin piped in.

"No I wasn't Pippin honestly," I started to cry.

Legolas then screamed, "Leave Herbert alone please," everyone in the store stared at us, Ganondalf then busted in the dressing room, grabbed me and ran away.

"How did you know that I was being bullied," I asked while I was in his arms.

Gandalf replies, " I saw through the dressing room with my X-ray vision it allows me to see through walls." Me and Gandalf went to lunch with Gimly, we got pizza with some strawberry smoothies, (diet for me because I'm a model.)

"I would so never cheat on Frodo you know what I mean, it's an outrage," I complained to me gals.

Gandalf then said, " Thy friends are jealous of what you and Frodo have, you two have been dating since forever."

"Yeah, haters be hating," Gimly said as he flashed his dwarf gang sign.

"I swear my life is like, so filled with dramarama you know," I asked while flipping my hair, showing off my blonde highlights. Then Aragon showed up, "Hi Herebert the cheaaater," he chanted.

"YAH YAH YAH," Gimly yelled , Aragon ran away screaming.

"Herbert come over here," Frodo yelled at me from the distance while giggling, I ran over there.

"I heard you had an affair today," Frodo said.

"No I really didn't my clothes just started flying off," I explained/yelled.

Frodo then smiled, " Don't worry that's normal." I then sighed thank goodness he understands how clothes sometimes do magically fly off. Then I noticed Frodo was wearing designer clothing for once! He was wearing a white leather jacket, red tank top, denim skinny jeans, and some nice black flats.

"Ooooo I notice I got someone into the designers," I teased.

Frodo then blushed, "Oh you like it?"

I then reply, "Honestly the outfit is plain and sucks, but if you hang out with me and Legolas more you will get better." Frodo frowned because he was quite sad because he wanted to become fashionable like Herbert, because Herbert is hot. All of a sudden my eyes were covered, "guess who," a familiar voice piped in while holding in total laughter.

"Oh you Pippin you little rascal," Frodo said while wagging his finger and laughing.

I open my eyes and guess what, it was Pippin!

"Oh hiiii," Pippin said while making a funny face and bending over. We all laughed, except for Sam because he is quite the jealous boy, and except for Aragon because he was hiding from his rival Gimly. Pippin then showed us the 5 star resort we would all be staying at. We had the biggest room on the top floor because Legolas paid for it, and Legolas is rich just like me. We had a hot tub, huge T.V, and tons of gossip magazines.

Gimly then yells, " Hey what gives one of us will have to share a bed!"

Then everyone said at the exact same time, " the happy couple should share the bed!" I knew they were talking about me and Frodo, Frodo agreed. We all then drank martinis in the hot tub, Merry got tipsy and started to hit on me!

"Hey babe you are so beautiful," Merry said as he stroked my hair. Everyone gasped, they all thought I was too innocent for this sort of thing.

"You should sleep with him Herbert, because you're a cheeseparer," Sam glared. Gimly punched Sam, everyone cheered. Then Merry got hung over so he didn't like me like that anymore. Everyone changed into their pajamas, (each pair of pajamas were over 500 dollars), and crawled into bed. I was ready to share the bed with Frodo, "Oh Herbert, I'm going to sleep at the foot of the bed because I know you are totally against having sex," Frodo announced.

As I went to sleep I had a vision a bad vision, in my vision a zombie stabbed Frodo! I then jumped up from my sleep at about 1 a.m. Frodo then looked up and saw I was having a bad dream, he crawled up to where I was sleeping and asked me to scratch his belly. I love Frodo and I don't want zombies to kill him, I thought to myself. You see my visions often show the future so I was scared, Will Frodo be stabbed by zombies?

Stay Tuned for Chapter 11 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	11. Chapter 11

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, products, or locations except for that cutie Herbert!*

" _The real adventure has begun,_

_The search for Frodo is done,_

_Frodo now loves fashion,_

_Me and Frodo have a growing passion,_

_For each other,_

_And no other…"_

Chapter 11: Where thou art going?

"Frodo," I sighed to myself in my sleep, because I was having some dreams about Frodo. Then all of a sudden Frodo started jumping on my bed, "Wakey Wakey," Frodo sung as he was making my bed rock. Then Aragon, Legolas, Gandalf, and Sam joined in, they made my bedrock too. Me and Gimly hopped out of bed, Gimly turned his swag on. Gimly then turned to us all, "Hello, good morning," he looked tired.

Frodo giggled, " Oh you must've been out clubbing again Gimly, you look like you have a hangover." Everybody laughed because Gimly is always clubbing and picking up on everyone.

Legolas then approached me, " hey Herebret, I picked out a new outfit for you this morning, I know it will look fabulous on you," Legolas said while inspecting my body ( not sexually but in the way that stylists inspect bodies!)

"Oh my god Legolas you're a life saver I was scared I would have to wear an outfit that I've already used," I say flipping my hair, but I didn't wash my hair yet so it didn't smell like strawberries yet.

Frodo then giggled and said in a been there done that way, " Oh yes ever since I met Herbert he never repeated an outfit." Me and Frodo looked at each other and sighed at the exact same second, "When we first met… that was so long ago."

"Pshh get a room you two, nobody wants to hear it," Sam said in his typical jealous Sam voice.

Then Pippin piped in, " Yes we do want to hear it," then Pippin hit Sam, everyone gasped.

I then chime in, " I don't appreciate it when you hit people Pippin, its not nice," everyone nodded in agreement, because we all have good values in life.

All of a sudden our deluxe suite hotel room doorbell rung, I skipped diligently to the door. I open the door and I see this really cute Mexican boy holding a tray of food, and he had huge dimples!

"Your breakfast sir Herbert," The bell boy purred in his thick Spanish accent.

"Oh thanks," I answered cutely.

Then he winked at me, " looking good today Herbert."

I gasped, " But I haven't showered yet!"

He then says with a bigger wink, "well I like dirty boys,"

I giggle then we both say bye and hug.

Legolas then used a singing sort of voice, " I ordered us room service, because I am a rich boy." We all cheer everyone was happy, because it smelled good and because everyone here is poor except for me and Legolas.

So then I went into the shower to wash my hair, I stripped off my 500 dollar pajamas and got in the shower. I washed my hair with my Strawberry Sephora shampoo. Once I got out of the shower Legolas came.

"Hey Herbert, heres a outfit for you to wear," Legolas said in his fashionista voice. I put on the outfit, I was wearing a shiny pink tank top, black high waisted short shorts, and black high heels.

" Wow this is so cute," I squelled as I looked down.

Legolas then questions, " You like it, It's my own brand, I'm a fashion designer!"

" Oh my god Legolas you're so amazing," I gushed as I gave him a hug.

" Everyone we must hurry we are on a tight schedule," Gandalf yelled in a oh no oh my voice. We all rushed out the door looking like fashion models. As we left Rivendale I had to ask, " So Gandalf where are we going?"

He then replies, " We are going to Mourdur to destroy the evil ring." I was interested kind of but not really because I'm not into Sci-fi movies. Everything was quiet until we all heard a noise, it was a buzzing noise, Gandalf froze and his eyes started to tear up.

" What is that," Sam asked in his typical angry voice.

Then we heard the phone, " Drooooooooooid!"

"Everyone Run," Gandalf screamed, everyone ran away from the flying Droid! We all jumped behind a rock, "Shhh nobody talk we don't want it to hear us," I whispered. Then the Droid's wings were flapping above us, I looked up it said new picture message on it.

" new picture message," Pippin piped in, and he pressed read button.

Gandalf then screamed, "No don't!" Then on the screen a wrinkly hairy dick appeared, everyone yelled ew!

" DAMN SEXTERS!" Gandalf yelled. Who sent Gandalf the nude picture, and why?

Stay tuned for Chapter 12 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	12. Chapter 12

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit! 

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products except for the bangable Herbert!*

" _Sexting,_

_Is not a good thing,_

_No one should Sext, _

_It's not the best,_

_Nude photos aren't sexy,_

_Herbert is sexy…"_

Chapter 12: The Power Of Courage

"Nudity," I sighed to myself while looking at the elderly man's assets. You see Gandalf has an old man admirer who keeps sending him sexual messages, Gandalf hates it and I'm pretty sure it's because he is in love with me.

" I think Hrerebert likes it because he's a cheater," Sam accused while glaring while using his chubby cuteness to his advantage.

"Naw girl you just back up don't make me slap the beotch out of you," Legolas said with a finger snap and head wag.

I gasped, "Legolas don't cuss, I'm against cussing."

Legolas then smiled, "I forgot I'm sorry, you're so innocent, I think you're perfect." I then blushed, because I think Legolas has a crush on me also. It's hard for me, because so many gorgeous rich boys love me! Frodo then frowned, I was pretty sure it was because he was jealous.

I then grabbed Frodo and gave him a big hug, " I love you Frodie!"

"Oh stop it Herbert you always call me that and it makes me blush," Frodo giggled. Everyone then said awwwwww.

"Thy must keep heading out soon to Mordour," Gandlaf informed like a cheap infomercial. We all nodded and kept walking to Mordour.

" I miss riding in my parents 500,000 dollar car," I sighed to myself, every one looked at me all concerned like. They could all sense my sadness and everyone put their hand on my shoulder.

" Yo, Herbert you're lucky I was living in da ghetto we didn't have a car we rode the public bus," Gimly said while keeping it real. Aragon rolled his eye, because he hates the ghetto and the people that live there.

Aragon then chuckled, " Oh you lived in the ghetto, that sure explains why you're such an idiot."

Gimly then jumped in Aragon's face, "YAH!" Aragon ran away, because he was worried Gimly might decide to shoot him, we all laughed.

" Me and Merry never had a car either," Pippin piped in in the typical quirky Pippin manner.

I giggle, " Well it's because I lived in Northern Earth with the rich people not Middle Earth with the poor." Everyone gasped in amazement impressed at how rich I was, except for Sam he seemed super angry!

" Nobody cares if you're rich, nobody cares about how gay you are, or how sexy you are, NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU AT ALL," Sam yelled holding back dramatic tears, ( the way he was holding back tears looked just like an anime!) everyone gasped including thyself, everything went silent and the wind blew through everyone's hair.

Sim then bawled, " I need to be alone!" Then Sam ran away into the forest, and quickly out of sight.

" I should use my super speed to find him," Gandald announced.

Frodo's hair then blew in the wind, "No don't Gandalf," Frodo's innocence was showing through his eyes. We then all went walking through the woods looking for Sam.

Then all of a sudden there was a large thud in the forest, we all came!

Then all of a sudden me and Frodo flew up to an island in the sky! When we got there, there was a lady in a long black cape, sexy curves, and long wavy black hair. The woman turned around and it was… THE ORCTRESS!

" Herbert you're a moron of epic porportions you fell in my trap again," The Orctress boomed! She then lifted her freshly manicured hands to the sky and pointed at Frodo, Then Frodo became in ice sculpture!

My eyes started to turn green because I was angry, " I suggest you let him go."

The Orctress then laughed, " Why would that be little hobbit?"

I then gritted my teeth, " It's because I get really strong when I'm angry, you just wouldn't like it when I'm angry!" I then ran at her with all my strength, we started to wrestle, then she knocked me off! At that second the ground turned into mud ruining my designer outfit and my amulet of courage got tossed out of my pockets!

The amulet was falling off the cliff, so I leaped for it, I caught it. Once I caught it though it started glowing and vibrating! I gasped, "Herbert this is your father talking to you through the Amulet Of Courage, I give you courage to continue the family's fashion legacy, save your lover, and save the world!" My shirt the flew off and my pecs became even more impeccable!

"THE POWER OF COURAGE," I yelled as I used a magic attack on the Octress, but she put up a shield! I then started to feel weak, and I fainted with the wind blowing in my hair making me look even sexier!

At that moment Gandalf flew up to the island in the sky, " !" Gandalf shot a spell at the Orctress and she died! At that moment Frodo was freed, "Herbert are you okay," Frodo asked while running over. I didn't wake up, I didn't move.

"Herbert, please wake up," Frodo begged.

Stay Tuned For Chapter 13 Of Herbert The Hobbit!


	13. Chapter 13

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer! I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products except for my precious Herbert!*

" _As the amulet fell,_

_My dad's voice as clear as a bell,_

_Courage he yelled,_

_Then the Orctress felled."_

Chapter 13: Sam's Sad Story

"Fainted," I sighed to myself as I was unconscious. Frodo and Gandalf were so scared, because they thought I was dead.

" I can't live without Herbeet, we've spent our entire life together," Frodo sobbed as he stared at me, as my hair blew in the wind.

Gandalf then shook his head, " I know what you mean, I was in love with him too, as a grandpa and an lover." Frodo then gasped he didn't know about this.

Frodo gasped, " You and Herbert were Sex Lovers?" Gandalf just responded with a wink, the kind that suggests sexual activity, So I was angry, because I've never had sex with my grandpa! Frodo then looked into my chestnuts and then the necklace Frodo gave me started to glow with the power of Frodo's love! My powers were becoming stronger then the necklace's glow covered me!

My clothes then fell off, and I got a magical chosen one outfit, I was wearing a mint blue see through top (it showed off my pecs) with a big silver bow on it, pink puffy short shorts, baby blue satin high heels, and a pink and silver ruffled cape.

" OMG Herbert you're alive and smoking hot," Gandalf yelled as he gave me a huge hug.

"Wow, Herbert you look like the chosen one now," Frodod exclaimed all excited.

" Oh we need to go find Sam," I yelled.

"Don't worry hop on my back, I can fly us to Sam," Gandalf said in his mythical voice. We all hopped on Gandalf's back as he grew baby silver wings, we went back with all our other friends. We all said hi to each other, and everyone complimented on how hot I looked on my outfit.

Then all of a sudden I heard crying in the distance, it was Sam! I ran over to a dark cave to see Sam cuddled up like a little crying kitten.

"Sam," I yelled as I stopped dramatically in front of him as I twirled my cape sexily.

Sam looked up all dramatically like they do in soap operas, " go away Herbert you've wrecked my entire life!" I walked up to him until I was only 2 cm. away from him.

Sam growled, " I hate you with a passion Herbert so much that I," Sam then tried to kiss me on the mouth! I pushed him away though, " ew no Sam I'm loyal to Frodo, and I'm not a chubby chasing weirdo!" Sam glared at me, " Herbert I'm deeply in love with you, I want to marry you." I gasped too many boys are in love with me, how does this happen, all the boys are trying to steal me away from Frodo! Then Sam's eyes were showing weakness and sadness.

Sam then started to explain, " You see I got so mad when you were talking about Northern Earth because," But then we were in the past when Sam was only 9 years old in Northern Earth!

Sam was at school wearing a silver suit while all the other kids were wearing school uniforms, but you see Sam's rich family paid the school off to have Sam wear whatever he wanted so he could be the hottest! As he walked through the halls Sam was pointing and winking at everyone, all the girls fainted, you see Sam wasn't obese back then, in fact he had a six pack! He got all A's in school, and was a star football player, everyone was in love with him even the teachers!

" Oh my god Sam how did you get so gorgeous," a pretty boy asked him.

" It's all in the hairspray," Sam winked as he played with his fabulous hair.

The teacher then yelled, " It's so hard to teach with someone as hot as Sam in the classroom," the teacher said (the teacher was a gay man).

Wow I thought to myself Sam used to be just like me I thought to myself I started to blush, because Sam actually looked sexy! Then I stopped myself, because I want to stay loyal to Frodo, no matter how hot Sam looked at the age of 9! Then Sam got picked up by his parents in a 500,000 dollar car!

Sam's mom then looked him in the eyes, "Sam are house has gone bankrupt, and we won't be rich anymore." Sam gasped, " what I can't be poor, I never want to move to Middle Earth with all those stupid middle class people!"

Sam's dad replied, " We knew it so we got you a job as a butt boy." I gasped Sam used to be a gay prostitute! So that night Sam was bending over and working the streets of Northern Earth, He was bending down and men were smacking his booty! Then after that night Sam became a gay men who loved other men.

After that we were transported back to the present.

I yelled/ asked, "Sam you were a hooker?"

Sam paused, "Yes for about a year it got better though because after the first day I became gay." I looked at Sam and the wind blew through our hair.

"Sam," I started to ask him something in a talk show host sort of way.

"Let me guess are you wanting to have sex with me now," Sam asked.

I then continue my question, " Sam… do you have an STD?"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 14 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	14. Chapter 14

**An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit****!**

***Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products except for the glorious Herbert!***

" _**STDs**_

_**Don't want them in me,**_

_**But in Sam do they be?,**_

_**We will have to see…"**_

**Chapter 14: Were closer than we think!**

"**Prostitution," I sighed to myself as I thought of Sam having sex on a street corner. Sam was hugging himself in the corner, looking all innocent and exposed, you see his chocolate eyes got big, and for once… I saw innocence in them.**

**I then approach the Sam, " Sam, do you have an STD?"**

"**Well you see in that year I had sex over 1,500 times," Sam started out. **

"**STDs," I sighed to myself, because at this point I'm pretty sure he has an STD.**

"**Well I got myself tested last week and….. It came up negative I don't have an STD," Sam sighed with a slice of thank goodness. **

"**What about AIDS do you have AIDS," Herebert ooed with an hint of awww in his voice.**

**Sim than laughed, " You must've not done well in Health class, AIDS are for girls, and STDs are for guys!" I laughed at that because I indeed got an F in Health class, but you see I used my chestnuts to my advantage and graduated High School anyways, ( see Herbert is not a Gary Su he isn't good in school.)**

**I then smiled at Sam, "we should leave now and go back with the others," I said as I held out my hand for him to grab.**

**Sam then smiled and said in a happy manner, "yeah lets, best friend!" At that moment he grabbed my hand, and smiled at me, but then we turned around facing the exit. At the exit we saw… PIPPIN!**

"**Hey I saw you two getting all intimate in there," Pippin piped in!**

**We all gasped including Pippin, " Oh please, don't tell anyone," I begged as I knelled.**

**Pippin than sucked up to me, " Oh fine fine I wont tell anyone about your love affair." That made me happy, because I believe in don't ask don't tell. We all then went back to where everyone else was, "Thy should head out with moi to Mourdor we have work to do," Gandalf the brave said.**

**We then all headed out towards Mourdor. We were walking through a forest, we turned, left, then we saw the beach!**

"**Wow," Pippin piped in, " No one is at the beach today!" We then all took off our clothes, and were in our speedos. When I took off my clothes everyone gasped, "Herbert you're so hot you should be a stripper," everyone shouted at the same time! I blushed of course because, I have this humbleness about my body and good looks. We all looked super hot in our tight speedos, Gimly was wearing a speedo with graffiti on it he had a lot of gang tattoos on his body, and Aragon had lots of indie muscles, as if he was in a sexy indie band, his speedo had flames on it.**

"**Yay I can't wait to have fun in the sun," Aragon and Merry said merrily!**

**But then at that moment, rumbling came from the ocean, everyone was scared, I wasn't. The ground started to shake, everyone's bodies shook with anticipation! Then an giant old man appeared from the ocean, with a mermaids tail, big muscles, flowing white hair and beard, a crown on his head, and a huge tritan it was…. King Pitchfork and the Clownfish Army!**

"**You, Hreebert, there have been tales of you under the sea, which is my kingdom, I shall destroy you and all of Middle Earth," King Pitchfork boomed!**

"**Oh yeah you and what army," Pippin piped in in a sassy manner.**

" **Me and the Clownfish Army," King Pitchfork screamed, everyone ran except for me and Aragon, Aragon got out his rod! **

" **You better watch out I'm going to jab you and your entire army with my rod," Aragon yelled heroically! Then a bunch of fish came out of the water and swam fast towards Aragon, with one hit of his rod the entire army died!**

**King Pitchfork then yelled, "Bubble Blast," than Aragon was put in a bubble, I almost was too but I broke free.**

"**Now I'm going to kill Aragon and make him drown if you can't save him," King Pitchfork laughed! I paused for about a minute, because Aragon is always mean to my boy Gimly, but then I remembered my mom once told me when I was younger, " In the hands of death everyone deserves to live, I want you to remember that Herbert, It might help you in the future," I finally get it mom meant to tell me that for this moment.**

**Right as I remembered that my Amulet of Courage started to glow, My shirt flew off and my hair grew longer! The words then came out of my mouth, "Dolce," I shouted a magic spell and King Pitchfork returned to the sea, " Dolce," I asked myself I had no clue what that mean but oh well. Then everyone ran back to the beach to congratulate me on my victory, we all hugged and danced.**

**Then all of a sudden Gandalf found a bottle that washed up ashore, it had a picture inside, we all looked over Gandalf's shoulder.**

"**Hey that's an old picture of you holding a little boy," Frodo smiled while pointing at Gandalf. In the picture Gandalf was holding a little boy with It's a boy balloons by his side.**

**Merry then looked, "Wait a sec that little boy… that little boy is Aragon!"**

**Stay Tuned for Chapter 15 of ****Herbert The Hobbit!**


	15. Chapter 15

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, and products except for the sensational Herbert!*

"_You have a child,_

_You must've been wild,_

_Therefore you had sex,_

_Sex is not the best,_

_So now I must lament, _

_Because it was probably with a WOMAN!"_

Chapter 15: Betrayal To The Tribe Master!

"Baby Daddy," I sighed to myself, I didn't know Gandalf was that ghetto fabulous. Part of me thought it was cool, because a lot of cool rappers are baby daddies too, but the other part of me didn't like it because Gandalf is supposed to love me and ONLY me.

Aragon walked over to our crew, and flipped his hair, and purred, " The rumors are true Gandalf is my dad." Everyone gasped because we knew it before but now Aragon confirmed it so we know, tabloids didn't make it up!

"I never knew this son why didn't you tell me," Gandalf yelled with tears coming down his face, the beach went silent and the wind blew making everyone's hair flow in the wind!

Aragon then clenched his teeth, " I didn't want to hurt your feelings Papa so I kept it a secret." Gandalf then grabbed Araghon and gave him a good old fashioned Hobbit hug. Everyone said aw and snapped photos of the happy family reunion, except it wasn't really a reunion because they've been friends for years, Gandalf just forgot that Aragon was his son.

I then snapped, "Wait Gandalf you're gay, this means you had sex with a girl!" The beach went silent and the wind blew making everyone's hair flow in the wind!

Gandalf then spoke, " Well you see I had him through artificial insemenation so I gave birth without having sex with a girl." I sighed with relief, "So do you love me?"

" More than ever," Gendalf said with sexuality. But then Gandalf leaned in for a kiss!

I screamed, " Get away from me pervert you're my grandpa, I wont have sex with you on the beach!"

Fedo then punched Gandalf, " Don't you dare try that ever again Gandalf!"

Everyone nodded in agreement, because most people call my innocence beautiful.

"This has been a banging good time, but I think we should leave for Mourdor," Pippin piped in, we all nodded and smiled because Pippin always said smart things. We all then put on clothes over our super tight speedos. I put on a clear blue embellished tank top made of silk that was dry clean only, with a sea weed green colored skinny jeans, and velvet clear blue flats with a large green bow. Everyone told me I looked like a mermaid goddess, I agreed once I looked at myself in my designer mirror.

"Wow Herbert nothing looks bad on you I'm so jealous," Legolas gushed, he might have a man crush on me or maybe even a real crush on me!

We all then started walking through the forest on our way to Mountain Mourdor.

"How will we find Mourdor," Sam whined.

"Don't worry," Gasdalf said with a wink and a tongue click.

"ahlahabawamapa!" Gandalf shouted a spell then a map appeared in his hands.

The maps said, " The way to Mourdor," On the back.

"Oh wow Gandalf it says the way exactly to Mourdor," Pippin piped in. The map told us exactly where to go and I was happy.

"You guys act as if getting to Mourdor is hard, I've been to Mourdor plenty of times," Gandalf said while holding his map up in the air all proud like.

Then all of a sudden a tall Dwarf man with green skin, orange hair, and a triangle on his hand appeared, and….HE TOOK THE MAP TO MOURDOR!

He then grabbed his cannon and stood up on the Boulder of The Forest it was… The Cannon Dwarf!

"You Gimly You betrayed our entire tribe in the 5th century just a few days ago, now Gimly you shall betray your friends in death," The Cannon Dwarf speeched. Gimly gasped because he did betray his tribe once he left to hang out in Rivendale with us.

The Cannon Dwarf then commanded, " All of you stay right there if you want to live, now Gimly come up here and shoot your friends with my cannon!" Gimly then ran up to the cannon, I believe he was scared but it was hard to tell behind all that swag.

Sam then was shaking, " I think we should run you guys!"

I then back fired, " No, we should stay put to even stand a chance!" Everyone nodded because my plans are always right. Gimly then pulled the cannon's trigger! But then nothing came out of the cannon!

" Ah I forgot I ran out of bullets," The Cannon Dwarf yelled so he ran to get bullets, but the bullets were only 10 seconds away!

But then right as The Cannon Dwarf turned around, Gimly took out his AKB-48, "Lights out motha fucka," Gimly said as he shot The Cannon Dwarf. The Cannon Dwarf then fell down dead and we all gasped because Gimly killed his tribe leader!

"Gimly, why would you murder people of your Dwarf clan tell me why," Herbert asked near tears.

Gimly paused for a moment, and for that moment his swag turned off.

I then ask again what everyone else was thinking, " I don't approve of murder so why did you do it?"

Gimly then started, " Well…"

Stay Tuned for Chapter 16 Of Herbert The Hobbit!


	16. Chapter 16

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these products, locations, or characters, (But I wish I owned Pippin L), except for the highly sexual Herbert!*

"_Don't wanna go further,_

_Now that Gimly committed murder,_

_Killing is not in season,_

_Now what was your reason…"_

Chapter 16: Tribal Pursuit

"Murderer," I sighed to myself as I looked at the bloody Cannon Dwarf who was dead. We all were glaring at Gimly who was still had his swag on, no one was surprised he shot someone.

"Why did you murder the Cannon Dwarf Gimyl," I asked in a angry voice, because I'm against murder!

"I can't tell you Herbert," Gimly said in his understanding old black man sort of voice. I felt the tears cuming in my eyes, I walked over to my boy Gimly and put my hand on his shoulder.

I then whisper in Gimly's ear, " Gimly you can tell me anything," I then gave him a smile that made me look like the girl next door type. Everyone watched in awe because I'm good when it comes to cheering people up, I always make people smile even when in depression!

" Well you see, back on the streets, The Cannon Dwarf used to be a cop," Gimly started with a long sigh. I then understood with no shock at all, I always knew he was living the thug life.

Gimly then continued, "I killed him out of revenge because he kept putting me and my crew in jail, so I shot him!" We all gasped.

"OMG Gimly, that's awful did you get out on bail," Gandakf asked as if he was having girl time.

Legolas then stood up, " Yes, I bailed him out of jail, because me and Gimly used to go out!" We all screamed in shock, because they wouldn't be a cute couple!

Gimly then shouted, "YAH, but we broke up 4 years ago, no feelings anymore!" Legolas gave him a meaningful look, his eyes, said he wanted to have sex with Gimly. Gandalf then announced, " Well Gimly thy should go to your tribe to catch up with your Dwarf tribe." Everyone agreed and we headed out to his tribe, it was about 2 miles away by car, but 15 by foot!

We then came to his tribe it looked destroyed!

"Wow someone lived in the ghetto," I said sassily making fun of Gimly. The tribe village was on fire. Gimly then showed us to his burning apratment, we went inside. Inside his room Gimly had a poster in his room of me!

" Oh wow you have a poster of me in your room," I gasped, it was from my modeling days from the 80's when I was about 4 I was super cute.

Gimyl then blushed, " Yeah you've always been the most gorgeous guy on the planet I've been a fan for years." Legolas then glared because he was in love with Gimly still, I'm sure.

Then all of a sudden some ghetto looking dwarf girl came in the room, " Gimly you're back!"

Gimly gasped, "Oh it's my ex girlfriend, did you know I'm bisexual?"

The girl then said, "No I didn't that's really hot." Everyone giggled and agreed because Gimly's bisexualality is pretty hot, the girl had a big booty.

Pippin then piped in, "He used to date Legolas the smoking hot fashion designer!" The girl then looked jealous as she imagined Legolas and Gimly making out.

"Anyways the entire tribe died," the ghetto girl said. Gimly then screamed because he was kind of upset.

"How did they die," the intelligent Merry asked.

The girl paused, " They died to the dragon the BELLELOG DRAGON!"

Stay Tuned for Chapter 17 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	17. Chapter 17

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I do not own any of these Characters, Locations, or products, except for the Super Fly Herbert!*

" _I want the dragon,_

_The dragon to be gone,_

_War for Mourdor has begun,_

_Wars are never fun…"_

Chapter 17: Heart shaped Sandwiches

"Bellelog," I sighed as I tried to get over my dragon phobia.

"Yeah it's a dragon, it flies AND breathes fire," Gimly's ex girlfriend yelled. We all gasped nobody here has met a fire breathing dragon, except for maybe Gandalf or Aragon, I don't know though, I'd have to ask them.

" Now where is this Dagon that in which you speak of," Merry investigated.

Gimly's ex girlfriend replied, " It's about 50 miles away, if you run the entire way you should make it in an hour."

Pippin then piped in, "Oh the Bellelog breathes fire, that's probably why the tribe is on fire!" We all gasped, Pippin was right that's probably why the tribe was on fire!

The girl then yelled, " You guys should get out of here before you die!" Then we ran out of the burning house, when we turned around the house was gone, Gimly's ex died. Gamly groaned and seemed sad, Legolas winked at him and wiggled his tongue.

I gasped, "Legolas stopping making gestures like that!" Everyone nodded it was too explicit for my eyes!

We all then walked threw the forest bare feeted with dusty grey hobbit robes on like good ol' Shire boys.

Gandalf then exclaimed, "Oh they have forgotten we have to run to the cave to make it within an hour!"

I then snapped, "Sam can't run that long because he's fat!" Everyone laughed and pointed at Sam, because it was funny. Sam's eyes got very big, like they were going to cry. Of course I said sorry because, my manners are very famous in middle earth and beyond!

Pippin then piped in rather loudly, " AGH I can't run anymore I haven't even had second breakfast yet!" I never understood the idea, maybe because I'm special.

" Thou can take a break for a picnic," Gandalf said in a settle down young ones sort of voice.

"YAY, I want to have a picnic alone with Herrrrbert," Pippin piped in first, he beat everyone else to requesting to eat with me, which made me sad, because I wanted to eat with my boyfriend.

I walked with Pippin away from everyone, to this pink tree with heart shaped leaves. Then I got worried Pippin probably cut the leaves into hearts just for me!

Pippin set down his lunch basket, "You know Herbert I want to be a chef when I grow up," Pippin said with a first date look in his eyes. I nodded, I already knew that, because Gandalf taught me how to mind read.

"Here's half of a sandwich for you," Pippin piped in with a smile on his elfish face. We both started eating our sandwiches, I didn't like mine, I'm more used to fin cuisine, but I was nice to Pippin.

"You know Herbert if you put both halves of our sandwich together it makes a heart," Pippin piped in while putting them together. I nodded but I was shocked at how smooth Pippin was with flirting!

Pippin then piped in, " Herbert, this is a sign, the sandwich is trying to tell us of our destiny, together." Oh no Pippin probably is in love with me too, I thought to myself as Pippin's curly afro blew in the pink wind, bubbles were in the air around us.

Pippin then got on one knee, "I've been in love with you for years, Herbart would you join hands with me in a loving marriage?"

I screeched, "No, I only have eyes for Frodude!" I then ran away with no shoes on my feet.

"Herbert wait," Pippin yelled but I threw my sandwich at him, that's what he deserved for trying to get in between us.

"Hurry along now little hobbits, I see the Bellelog cave just 20 seconds away," Gandalf yelled in a mythical voice. So we all ran to the entrance of the scary cave.

"HELLLLO, ANYONE THERE," Sam screamed at the cave, we all smacked Sam on the head.

Then out of the cave was The Bellelog, we all screamed. Bellelog came at me, so I did a big gulp, I was ready to face my fears.

Gandalf then epically yelled, "Thou must get ready for the fight for Moudor!"

Stay Tuned for Chapter 18 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	18. Chapter 18

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products except for the Super Yummy Herbert!*

"_I am in fright,_

_Because of the fight,_

_It hasn't begun,_

_But I'm afraid you've already won…"_

_Chapter 18: Epic Battle with Epic Bellelog!_

"Right now," I sighed to myself while getting worried about fighting, I'm against violence you know. Everyone screamed and ran in the Bellelog cave, The dragon was chasing us.

Gandalf pulled out his magic carpet and we all hopped on Gandalf's ride Sam screamed! The ride was long, we all were sweating.

"Too many people are on, it can't last for long," Gandalf grunted. Then all of a sudden Sam's butt made a hole in the carpet, we all fell, because Sam is fat.

"Way too go Sam you brooke the magical carpet of Rivendale," Frodo said while rolling his eyes of emerald sparkles. Sam's eyes then glew red, he picked up Frodo! He then dangled him off the edge, Frodo looked so scared like those little girls you see in horror films.

I then screamed, " NO, Sam don't do it," I put my hand on his shoulder, and magical sparkles flew off Sam's body! Sam looked at me and his eyes turned back in an innocent shade of green, they weren't emeralds like Frodo, but they had the beauty of morning grass.

Sam then hugged me, " Thank you, I didn't want to murder my Frodo!"

Gandalf gasped, " Herbert you're touch purified Sam's soul, you thou have secret powers within thou body!"

I gasped, because I'm the chosen one! Then out of nowhere, (not literally,) The Bellelog came at us again! We didn't have a magic carpet anymore so we ran, The Bellelog chased us on a bridge, we ran. The Bellylog chased in the cave, we ran. The Bellelog chased us in the cave, we ran, then turned a corner, he got confused and couldn't find us. We all then crashed in the eastern wing of the cave.

Sam then whispered in my ear, " I need to see you alone Herbwert in the little cave just a little bit more to the east, it's really tiny, so we can be close and alone." I took his hand and crawled in the tight hole.

"I have something surious to talk to you about today Herbert," Sam started as he grabbed my hand. We were so close I was pretty much sitting on his lap, his breath smelt bad, like cheese and pretzels.

" Uh, okay sure Sam," I said politely with an extra slice of ew your nasty get away from me pervert.

Sam then continued, " I secretly have evil spirits in my body, and when I'm angry they cume!" I gasped that explains why Sam is my least favorite character!

" Part of me is light but my dark section in my body is starting to take over," Sam continued, this was so unexpected and a very rare problem, so naturally I gasped.

Sam then got closer to me, " But when you touch me part of my evil goes away, so Herbert will you please have sex with me it's the only way to get rid of the evil spirits!"

"EWWWWW NO SAM," I yelled as I punched him in the face and ran.

Pippin then piped in, "Hey you guuuuuuys, we should go back out there and try to kill the Bellelog."

I then yelled heroically, "I'll use my innocence to defeat him!"

"No Herbert I'm afraid this is too dangerous for you," Gandalf said in a I got some bad news for you group C sort of voice. We all then ran out screaming our war screams, we saw the Bellelog, we ran.

Then all of a sudden Gandalf turned around and yelled, "You shall not pass!"

Gandalf then used his flying powers to fly down, he was on top of the dragon! It was too dangerous for my master magician grandpa, so I jumped down too.

"HERBERT THY SHOULDN'T BE DOWN HERE," Gandalf yelled.

I then talked back, which is odd for me because I'm polite, " No just watch this!" I then touched the dragon, it was purified! We then flew up on the surface with the others and the Bellelog turned into a super hot Male Model!

He then came up to me, " Hey Herbert want to get out of here, and make some hot gay butt sex?" I gasped I wasn't into having sex! Then everyone pushed him off the cliff yelling PERVERT! The male model died, but we destroyed the Bellelog, therefore one step closer to destroying the ring in the fires of Mourdor!

Stay Tuned For Chapter 19 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	19. Chapter 19

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I Do not own any of these characters, Locations, or products, except for the super fly Herbert*

" _Middle Earth is magical,_

_And quite the spectical,_

_In my opinion,_

_Frodo is also magical,_

_Makes me want to put it in…"_

Chapter 19: Witches of the West Side!

"Victory," I sighed to myself as I looked at the naked model all dead and stuff. Frodo turned around with a swish of swoosh in his hair and made a heart with his hand. I smiled at my innocent lover, who is virgin.

"Thy love struck Hobbits should scurry on out of thou perimeter," Gandalf announced with the epic boom we all know and love. We all nodded at my grandpas lovely words of knowledge.

As I was walking out I tripped, everyone held their breath in gasp position! But then all of a sudden a rugged sexy indie man had me in his arms… it was ARAGUN!

"Be more careful next time babe," Aragon said with a wink, a wink with so much sexual tension everyone gasped! He then put me down and walked ahead of us with his butt shaking, and his hair waving in the wind, ( you know like in anime). My eyes got tsary he was just so cool.

Dam then glared at me, "Herbert congratulations, you get to have sex with another man." Everyone banged Sam's head against the wall, everyone knew I was a virgin! We all then headed out of the cave, and into the forest, like young men on a journey.

"Herbert I'm so sorry for calling you a whore all the time," Sam pleaded with sparkle tears in his eyes.

I nodded in understanding, " It's okay most beautiful people are sluts."

Pippin then piped in, " Yeah except for Herbert, he's probably the most perfect person I've ever met!" Everyone nodded and agreed, I was pretty perfect and innocent. I blushed Pippin so obviously had this super stellar crush on me, everyone could tell.

Then all of a sudden we heard a russel in the bushes.

Gundalf then warned, " Thy young hobbits shalt stay back, you are far too inexperienced." We all watched Gandalf check behind the bushes, Pippin didn't listen though he jumped in the bushes.

Then out of the bushes appeared a scraggly old white lady, with a big nose, mole on the big nose, and wrinkles, and a cane, it was…. The Sage Witch of The West Side!

" You Herbert are an amazing wizard of the 8th power, No one can be better than the West side, So now Herrrbert, I shall put a curse on all of you, so thou can't continue doth foreword," The Sage Witch banged!

She then shouted her spell, " Hupopopom!" Then all of a sudden Pippin turned into a Pomeranian puppy!

" Agh my magical elements aren't strong enough to turn you all into puppies, oh well until next time," Then she disappeared in a cloud of fabulous sparkles.

"Oh no how can we continue as a Pomeranian," Merry yelled. Pippin the Pom jumped in my arms and licked my face, " Ew Pervert!" I dropped Pippin, because I knew he just wanted to make sexual advances on me as a puppy. Pippin was a cute dog though with a cute figure, Pippin had a fuzzy butt.

Gandalf then said in his epic voice, " Thou hope hasn't been lost yet, I know of a beautiful, intelligent, fashionable, sexy, witch just north of here that can reverse this spell!" We all looked at my grandpa with hope in our eyes, with a twinkle of wow.

He then continued, " EVERYONE….. FOLLOW ME!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 20 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	20. Chapter 20

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, products, or locations, except for the sex icon Herbert!*

"_A witch as sexy as me,_

_How can it be,_

_This puts my mind in a fog,_

_At least Pippin wont be a dog…"_

Chapter 20: Temptation Tree

"Pomeranian," I sighed to myself because Pippin is now a Pomeranian. We all followed Gandalf through the forest of wonders and wisdom, to go see the sexy witch that can reverse the spell.

"Pipipin you look so plain and unfashionable," Legolas said with an eye roll. Legolas then pulled out dog dress that he designed himself. Pippin then was wearing a pink dress with frills, it fit weird though because Pippin has a big thingy!

I gasped out loud, " Wow Pippin has a big puppy thingy, he must have a big man thingy too!" Everyone let out a giggle, because they would like to know if that was true, (I personally would like to know too!)

"Halt thy speech y'all we have arrived at our destination," Gandalf said while waving his hands in the ayer. We were standing in front of a Tree, it had a door at the trunk, with mythical blue-green leaves, with a big sign pointing to the tree that said, "Temptation Tree."

"Oh no, Temptation Tree I hope it wont tempt me to lose my virginity," I worried, everyone held my hand out of worry as we barged in the tree. When we walked in there was velvet mint colored carpet leading to a blue velvet throne.

Then out walked a sexy brunette woman, with fairy wings big beautiful eyes, long eyelashes, full lips, rosy cheeks, a short white dress (like Marilyn Monroe's dress but shorter), big chest, long pale legs, and white high heels.

She then started to speak, " Greetings and salutations, I heard of thy prediciment in a pshycic vision, and I can help for I am the greatest witch, my name is Ashley The Wise." I gasped I've never been this tempted by a girl before, Ashley is probably the most gorgeous girl on the planet!

Ashley The Wise then added, " At birth I automatically learned 8 and a half languages the half is one I made up, I haven't finished making it up yet," (she's just like Tolkien!) I gased in amazement she was amazing and you could tell Gimly thought she was hot too.

" I now shall turn Pippin back into a grown man," Ashley The Wise finished.

" Shuuuuumuuuuusumfdjfj," Ashley The Wise Shouted a spell at Pippin, her voice sounded beautiful like a manderain drama. Then Pippin turned back into human, except he was butt naked! Everyone blushed Pippin had a nice body, but he had a cute face, and my suspicions were in fact correct. Then all of a sudden Ashley The Wise pointed a spell on him and he then was wearing a red and black velvet robe.

"YAH, It's so dark outside we cant head out now," Gimly yelled!

Ashley The Wise winked, " No worries I have an extra room that you boys can sleep in." She pointed to where the room was we all came in the room, it was pink and red velvet with enough beds for all of us. Ashley The Wise left the room so we all got in Hobbit Slumber party mode and started jumping on the beds, we made the beds rock.

Pippin then piped in, " I have to go to the potty room so excuse me please." We all let him go because Pippin is a nice boy.

Frodo then spoke, " Herbert I saw you giving Ashley the Wise the eye do you think she's cuuuute?" Everyone then ooed.

I then replied, " Well she did tempt me but I'm a nice boy so I didn't even say Hi." Everyone smiled they thought I was soooo innocent and sooo perfect, also I'm too in love with Fordu, I couldn't just forget all that we've been throw. We all exchanged loving looks for each other for a while and blew kisses.

"Hmm, I sense Pippin's been gone for a while," Aragin thought aloud.

I replied in a go-getter fashion, " Oh don't worry I'll go find him!" So I left the room to walk down her fancy candle litted halls, (with velvet carpet).

Then I walked by a room that was slightly open I started to peek in, "Pippin," I asked.

Then when I opened the door I was shocked… Pippin and Ashley The Wise were DOING IT!

Stay Tuned For Chapter 21 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	21. Chapter 21

**An Ashley Greenwood Original ****Herbert The Hobbit****!**

***Disclaimer I don't own any of these Characters, Locations, or products except for sexuality extrodinare Herbert!***

"_**Pippin thy have betrayed thee,**_

_**Thought you only loved me,**_

_**But I guess that's not the case,**_

_**Seems our love was a waste…"**_

**Chapter 21: Expect The Unexpected**

"**How dare you," I Sighed to myself because Ashley and Pippin were about to do the dirty. **

"**COME WITH ME," I yelled as I grabbed Pippin's hand, I then hit him over the head with a vase for almost having sex, (I didn't do anything to Ashley she couldn't help how good looking she is).**

**Pippin then piped in, "Come everyone Come!" We all the left Temptation Tree, because we are all innocent little virgins who need not doth to be tempted!**

"**Well that was a close one," Pippin piped in a relieved sigh.**

**Swam then spitted sassily, " Oh yeah and you think Hwebert will be less tempting?" Everyone then at the exact same moment pushed Sam to the ground and started kicking him.**

"**YAH Sam yo not having sex with Herbert," Gimly yelled at Sam because Sam was really hitting on me there and I was afraid he was making advances. I was so sacred of violence though so I huddled up in a corner and hugged my knees. Everyone then stopped kicking and looked and pointed at me and started to whisper.**

"**Aw look at how cute Hreebert looks right now poor thing," Legolas whispered gushes.**

**My grandpa Gandalf then agreed, "He's been like this ever since he was a child it's so cute." I looked up and blushed with my puppy dog eyes everyone smiled let out an aww and put their hands over their heart.**

"**It's moments like this that makes Herbert's innocence shine brighter and purer than the stars of love in thu night sky," Frodo said with his trademark I'm being sentimental and girly look on his face. They all came over to me and talked in comforting "Ababababa" sort of voices. My chestnuts got wet everyone in this world loves me so much, one would think I would be used to it by now but I'm not yet because I'm not a conceited freak!**

**Aragon then started tapping his feet and closing his eyes, " The winds of mother nature are blowing me towards the East."**

**Gandalf then knowledgeably nudged us, "Thy Indie friend is right my mugic powers are leading me there for the fourth time today in the past tick of the sun dial." We all nodded in our serious Hobbit way, Hobbits are famous for getting work done you know.**

**Then all of a sudden we heard a cackle on the edge of a cliff!**

"**Oh now what," Sam put up his hands like the giver upper he is. We continued to walk, because we wanted to avoid danger. But then we saw a flash of black leather and pink silk on the hill. We looked up and it was… THE ORCTRESS!**

**The Orctress pointed her finger at me dramatically, "Herbert you Redundant Rodent, you're getting in the way of my plans yet once again, but this time it's not just me, it's my army of my baby… ORCLINGS!" We all gasped as these baby Orclings were running at us, It might sound odd but Orcs aren't that ugly in person when you think about it. However my velvet purple tunic was sparkling from within with the power of super speed, We all looked at each other and nodded, (like in the Animes,) and started running. **

**We were rolling around beyond the speed of sound, and flipping off the trees, showing off my acrobatics. Aragon got out his rod and started hitting them while jumping and twirling, everything was slow motion, and I think I like it that way. Then we got the Orclings to run into each other, they all died. We all cheered, but then The Orctress grabbed Sam and pinned him to the ground, We all watched.**

"**Thy halt upcoming hurls of punches I want to see what Thy Orctress wants to acquire with Seme," Gandalf said with his beard flying everywhere while spreading his arms in stop position. Sam's face had dirt on it, The Orctresses face was clean!**

"**LET GO OF MY SAM," Frodo exclaimed looking all snazzy.**

**Sam's face softened, "Frodo…" **

**Frodo looked at him meaningfully, " Sam…" I then felt all sad I totally forgot about Sam and Frodo's past relationship. **

**The Orctress then slapped Sam, " Don't you even try to steal Furdo away from Herbert!" We all gasped even though that's what he deserved.**

**Sam then screeched, "WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME WHAT TO DO?"**

**The camera angle then went above the trees so you could see our heads as the wind blew.**

**The Orctress then boomed, "Because Sam, I am… Your Mother!"**

**Stay Tuned For Chapter 22 of ****Herbert The Hobbit****!**


	22. Chapter 22

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I do not own any of these products, locations, or characters except for Herbert The Sexy butt lover*

" _Sam I can't hide it inside,_

_My rage for you is wide,_

_Sam I think you're evil,_

_We shall leave you and trust me we will…"_

Chapter 22: Bloodline of Evil!

"Mother," I sighed to myself in a louder tone than usually I do.

Sam then yelled, "You're not my mom!"

Orctess shrieked, "Yes I um your mother!"

Sam yelled back, "It's not true, It can't be true!"

Orctress then replied, " Yes it is sweetie look," then the Orctress exposed her shoulder and Sam's shoulder, THEY HAD MATCHING TATOOS! The tatoos were of an all black Humming bird with red eyes! We all gasped Sam was evil!

" See Som that was the mark you were born with at birth because I'm your mom," The Orctress said all evil and tempting like.

Sam then sobbed, "But I want to be a good so I can get to Herbret!" I gasped I totally forgot Sam was in love with me!

"I don't have time come with me because you're mine," The Orctress hissed with her tongue afterwards like a snake. The Orctress then put Sam on her behind, and flew away!

Frodo then fell to the floor in tears, "SAAAammm don't leave me alone, I need you in my life!" I then went and hugged Frodo, so he could forget about Sam, and he did.

"Well we should just continue on to Mourdor," Aragon said with his rough cowboy voice. Everyone then started to continue walking, that wasn't right though as much as I dislike Sam this was the wrong thing to do!

I interrupted everyone's walking, " Wait you guys we can't just leave Sam kidnapped, we have to go save him, I remember back in the day Gandalf always told me it's best to do what's right!" Everyone nodded and got a look on their face like they've just been touched.

Gandalf then replied, "Ah yes Herbert you have such a great memory that was when you were three years old, you've never done anything wrong since."

"How are we going to gut to the evil Orctress castle," Pippin piped in a question.

Gandalf then dramatically and epically pointed his hand in the air, " Don't worry I hov Magic Flying Carpet!" Gandalf then made a designer carpet appear out of his hands because he is a wizard, (Wizards can cast magic spells.) We all got on the magic carpet and flew up 100 feet in the air, the clouds were black and black and gold thunder was coming out of them!

Frodo then pointed, " There's the castle it looks very scary," The clouds then moved so we could see the castle, everyone gasped and huddled together and closed their eyes, except for me I'm fearless.

"Ah I'm so scared Herbert can you hold me and kiss me and make it all better," Aragon said in a baby voice.

I made a yucky face, " Ewwwww no you're like so ugly!" I then tried to push Aragon off of the flying carpet. Aragon screamed and hung by the edge of the carpet, we all laughed at Aragon. Then we arrived at the Orctress's castle.

Pippin then shouted in the windows, "Helllo Sam are you there?"

Gandalf then pulled him away, " Fool of a Took we got to come in more secretly then that!"

We then knock on the front door, But then the door slid open by itself, like in a grocery store, except these doors were made of wood. We all walked in dramatically in a straight line people inside told us we looked hot but we all knew that. We then approached a door it said Orctress's room with a bunch of keep out stickers on the door, we ran in.

" Ah Hugbert I thought you would never find my room, but doth thou was wrong, but you will never get your beloved Sam back he has now turned evil," The Orctress yelled magically. She then moved to the side and…. SAM WAS IN A CAGE, his hair turned all black and long and was wearing dark long robes that showed off the tattoo on his shoulder!

Gandalf then shouted, "You idiotic fiend how dare thy put Sam in the cage of epic doom!" Gimly got nervous and grabbed Legolas's hand, Legolas punched Gimly to the ground, Gimly got a black eye.

Then all of a sudden a bright light shone through my clothing, then my clothes started flying off! I transformend my pecs got bigger and my hair was flowing in the wind! Everyone gasped probably because I have a nice body.

I Grabbed the amulet of courage and shouted my magic, "The power of purity!"

The Orctress yelled, " Ah too pure, too innocent, too powerful!" The Orctress then collapsed, and Sam's cage broke. Sam was still evil though, he was crawling on the ground growling with red eyes and sharp teeth.

I went up to Sam and asked, " Sam baby do you remember me?" He looked confused until I grabbed his hand, Then all of a sudden a pink light shined shaped like a heart between us. Sam then turned back into a good boy, with blonde hair, and his chubby charm.

Frodo then smiled, " I think the touch of his purity fixed Sam." Everyone nodded and agreed, I was the very pure.

Sam jumped in my arms crying, "Oh Herbert the touch of your kindness and love guve me a soul again, you're my hero." Sam then looked deeply in my eyes then….. SAM KISSED ME ON THE MOUTH!

Stay Tuned for Chapter 23 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	23. Chapter 23

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these products, locations, or characters, except Herbert The sex machine*

" _I can't believe you Sam, _

_You kissed my face,_

_What a disgrace,_

_Now I shall ram,_

_My fist in your face…"_

Chapter 23: We used to be one, but not anymore, because you left, because you were mad.

"Eww," I sighed to myself as Sam pecked my lips.

I then pushed Sam away, "Eww get off of me you're disguisting!"

Sam then glared at me with his eyes over flowing with color of the green emeralds, " It's not my fault you were asking for it Hobert!" Everyone gasped, because he just called me a ho in an unexpected but clever way, BUT IT STILL WASN'T NICE!

"How dare thou take Herbert's kissing virginity," Gandalf (aka my grandpa) asked all angry and fatherly as he put his arm around me.

"How do yooou know that was this first kiss," Sam asked in his singing voice.

Gandalf then replied with an anger of a million lions, "Because I'm Herbert's Grandpa, if anyone shall take his kissing virginity it should be me!" The wind then blew making everyone all sentimental.

I then looked at him with teary eyes, "You really mean that Gandalf?"

His eyes tinkled at me as the violins played in the background, then he said, " Yes son, I really did." After a long touching grandson, grandpa moment of cuddles and wonder we all decided to get going.

" Well everyone let's get going on Gandalf's magic flying carpet," Merry said after the long silence. We all nodded and got on the carpet.

"Whoa there young one," Aragon said while pointing at Sam, "You don't deserve to fly out of here you have to go by foot." We all agreed and glared at Sam and told him to go away, and luckily for us he did.

Then we all flew out of the castle in the sky, and down to the ground, it took Sam a while though.

"So where to now," I asked no one in particular.

Pippin then piped in, "Now we need to go visit the castle town to meet King Theodeen!"

I gasped, "A king, I cant go see the king looking like this!" Everyone agreed with me so we all decided to stop in the forest to get all dressed and ready.

I got dressed in a black tight shirt, red velvet cape with white fur trim, poofy white pants, pointy toe shoes, and a golden crown to top it all off.

Everyone told me how hot I looked, I blushed and disagreed because modest is hottest.

" Agh, my eyeliner," Legolas yelled in his black leather v-neck jumpsuit.

" Yah what be wrong with your eyeliner you look hot just the way yee are," Gimly yelled.

"That's not the point it stinks of an Indie person," Legolas growled and hissed.

Aragon then came out from behind a tree, "I'm sorry Legolas I had to I can't let you carry out with your plans."

Legolas then sprouted, "I see but the favor is not in you're hands I will win my case!" We all gasped.

"What were his plans," Frodo asked all innocently, he's so cute how these things just fly over his head.

Aragon paused, "Well you see, Legolas was going to seduce King Theodeen, so he can become his sex maid!" We all gasped how dare he think of doing such a thing!

I then interrupted, because he loves me and will do what I say, " Legolas you shouldn't do that King Theodeen has a wife and kids!" Legolas didn't listen he just farted at me and stuck out his tongue, you know Legolas loves potty humor but this time it just wasn't amusing.

Gimli then hit Legolas, " What happened to the Legolas I used to know?"

Legolas paused, "He's gone now Gimli we can never be together!"

Gimly then yelled, " But I gave you my heart!"

Legolas then squinted his eyes and yelled, " I HAVE NO HEART!" Everyone stood in silence, at the shock of what he just said.

Legolas whispered, " I must be going now," he then snapped his fingers and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

"He disappeared," Pippin piped in.

" Such a shame," Mr. Frodo agreed.

I then shook my head, "No you guys, we cant give up we must stop Legolas, We have to do what my heart tells us to!" Everyone looked at me and agreed.

Gandalf then pulled out his cane from his cape, " We have to hurry," he then points it in the air and booms magically, "Before it's too late!"

Stay Tuned for Chapter 24 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	24. Chapter 24

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I do not own any of these Characters, products, or locations except for the climax inducing Herbert!*

"_King Theodeen will never cheat,_

_It's Legolas who I should beat,_

_All sex prostitutes should be damned, _

_All sex prostitutes like… SAM!"_

Chapter 24: Love, Lust, and Sexual Relations

"Home wrecker," I sighed to myself as Legolas was running off to the kingdom in which the Theodeen is king. See Legolas has been in love with Theodeen for many years, and now he finally decided to break up Theodeen and his woman!

" I don't approve of breaking up marriages you guys," I said in a let's book em' boys sort of way. Everyone nodded because our group doesn't believe in cheating and sex, or premarital kissing.

"I can't believe this I thought me and Legolas were in love," Gimly said finger snapping and head wagging.

Aragon then rubbed his beard and made a saliva sound, " Well I guess you weren't satisfying his needs."

Gimly then jumped in Aragon's face, " YAH, you saying you guys were doing the deed?" Aragon replied with a wink, we all were agapeed at all this drama.

Gimly then slapped Aragion's butt, "How dare you I know this means that things got sexual between you two!"

Aragon then replied, " I did not have sexual relations with that man."

"YOU LIE," Sam yelled we all told Sam to shut up, he then huddled in a corner.

"Now, Now thee hobbits should all know Aragon is my son," Gandalf yelled!

Merry then said with his arms crossed, "So what?"

Gandalf then shook his head and took a stand, " So thy young'ins it's illegal for Aragon and Legolas to sleep together, There is nothing in this world that we shalnt obey but the law, and the law it is!" We all stood in awe, you see when I was a baby Gandalf was studying to be a medival lawyer.

"No you guys this makes me feel all dirty and disgusting, we should just head out to the castle," Frodo said hugging himself. We all decided enough was enough and it was time to get down to business. We all approached a castle, (it was gray remember?) We all came at the peep hole and peeped in.

"Halt who goes theer," A guard said showing us his eye in the peep hole.

Pippin piped in the peep hole, " It's us the hobbits!"

The guard then nodded through the sliding peep hole, "Ah yes I know you come on in." We all ran in as Legolas followed behind us! King Theodeen was sitting on his throne with gray hair and wrinkles, he got old.

"Helllllllo," King Theodeen said in a raspy old person voice.

Legolas then put his hand over his heart and yelled, "King Theodeen I want to kiss you!"

"You can't I have…. WORM TONGUE," King Theodeen yelled dramatically.

Gandalve then commanded, " Theodeen you must now be expelled!"

" I can't be expelled for I am the king," King Theodeen yelled.

Frodo then pleaded, "You must the bad people are after you!"

King Theodeen gasped and stood up, "Bad people you say?"

Gandalf then shouted his spell, "Expilliomus!" King Theodeen started to twist and shout his hair became auburn colored and all his wrinkles went away, he looked handsome kind of like Aragon.

"Oh my precious King you look so beautiful," Legolas said seductively.

"What do you want from me young man of the elfin land," King Theodeen said feeling threatened.

Legolas responded, " I want to be your slave, your SEX slave."

"No that's not for me, I'm not interested," King Theodeen said hiding behind a pillar.

"How can you NOT be interested," Legolas asked with a pouty lip.

"Because…because," King Theodeen started but got interrupted.

"I'M why he isn't interested," said a young blonde woman who entered the room, it was his wife Aowin! We all gasped but were relieved that he's getting caught.

" You must leave this castle Legolas, you cause nothing but cheating and tension," King Theodeem boomed. Legolas gasped he was shocked.

" You know Legolas if I was gay I would let you become my man," King Theodeen added.

"AHHHHH I hate you close minded people," Legolas said bouncing.

" Here at the court we have a decision to make," Gandalf announced.

"By the order of the King Theodeen we don't like you Legolas," King Theodeen announced.

I then finished for him, "Legolas you're banned for the time period of forever!" Everyone clapped it was official I banned Legolas.

Pippin then ran to us and piped in, "Everyone Everyone bad people are coming at the door!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 25 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	25. Chapter 25

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

* Disclaimer I do not own any of these characters, locations, or products, except for the heart throbbing Herbert The Hobbit!*

" _Bad guys are coming,_

_Now my heart is thumping,_

_I'm gathering up my might,_

_Because it's time to fight…"_

Chapter 25: Battle for the Kingdom

"Bad guys," I sighed to myself as Pippin was flapping his arms warning of the danger. We all looked at each other dramatically as we thought about evil people, and the things evil people like to do.

"Knock Knock," The bad guys yelled at the door.

Pippin then ran to the door, "Who's there."

"Orcs," the Orcs replied.

" Orcs who," Pippin asked.

The Orcs replied, "Orcs who want to come in the castle and KILL EVERYONE!" I did a face palm, because that joke wasn't funny at all.

"AH what should I do, should I let them in," Pippin yelled as he pulled at his afro.

Aragon glared, " Of course not you fool of a took!"

Pippin then reasoned, "But I want to be polite!" Everyone then paused, we Hobbits always want to be polite so this was an issue. However we thought too long because the Orcs then broke down the door! They all were shirtless walking in a straight line, and their hummingbird tattoos were glowing, they meant business! Aragon got out his rod and then the music started to play. I then tripped because I have two left feet. Everyone then laughed because it was cute.

"Hee hee, I didn't know you were clumsy Harbert, " Frodo smiled with his blue eyes glowing.

I put my hands over my head, "Yeah I'm not perfect you know."

Frodo then putt his arm around me, " Well you're amazing just the way you are." Sam then was getting jealous I could tell he started to shake his body.

" Urgg urga," Sam started to grunt.

" What's wrong Sam," Gandalf panted and groaned. Then all of a sudden Sam's shirt flew off and his hummingbird tattoo started to glow, and his face became all deformed, he turned into….An ORC! We all gasped, he got in the line with the orcs.

"Thyself doesn't know me, you don't know me," Sam yelled in the Orc language.

"After all we've been through what does this mean," Frodog yelled dramatically!

Sam then looked down, " It's because I am one with The Orcs," he then looked up and his eyes glowed red. We all gasped and were shaking in our boots.

Aragon then threw his rod up in the air, " I must kill you first before you give birth to more Orcs!"

Sam then continued, " No matter how, and if I die the process will never end, So thy might hold the victory in the first round but…. Things never stay victorious against me!" We all screamed and charged at the Orcs, then everyone was fighting, I couldn't though I froze.

"I've never seen this much violence before, in my life," I sighed to myself very terrified.

"Herbert hurry up here, over here it's very safe," King Theodeen shouted out. I ran over to the king and queen, because the Orcs weren't after the King and Queen they just wanted to take over the kingdom.

"Hey what happened to that handsome young man," Eowyn asked.

I replied, " You mean Gandalf, my grandpa?"

Eowyn answered, "Yes him he's gone."

King Theodeen scowled, " I knew it you're in love with Gandalf!"

Eowyn then replied, " This is not possible I am a lesbian!" Theodeen then slapped Eowyn, Eowyn then punched him really hard, because lesbians are tough.

"AHHHH," I yelled and fell to the ground.

"What is it," Theodeen came over at my back.

" I got a vision, Gandalf is nearby," I informed. Eowyn blushed because, I think she has a crush on Gandalf, I've never had a grandma so I'd like if they got married, but they wont I'm sure they won't.

Then all of a sudden a huge wave of grape soda came in the castle and drowned the Orcs, then out from the wave came black guys, Gandalf got recruits! Then Tyrone the magician stood up and shot magical powers at the Orc named Sam.

"Huyahuyahuya," Tyrone yelled. Sam then fell on the floor.

"Oh no Sam," I screamed I ran by his side, Sam then slowly morphed back into his normal self and his shirt came back on.

I then ran over to Tyrone, "You saved the day!" Tyrone was wearing a black blazer with nothing underneath, black pants, and long dreadlocks. He had a nice body he was ripped.

"Hey there Herbert let's have wild party sex on the dance floor," Tyrone said while checking me out. I was tempted for a second, because he was black and black guys are hot, but I remembered my morals and how Frodo is my one and only.

One of the black guys then said, " Aye yo Gandalf you lied this party is gay!" Everything went silent, gay shouldn't be used as a bad thing.

"Security, take these guys to jail," King Theodeen yelled! The medevil cops showed up and arrested all the black guys. Everyone cheered because we all love doing the right thing, Eowyn and Theodeen were kissing, Legolas would've been jealous.

Then it occurred to me, "LEGOLAS IS MISSING!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 26 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	26. Chapter 26

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products, except for the fashionable Herbert The Hobbit!*

" _My love is gone,_

_Gone all along,_

_Legolas please stay,_

_I want you to be my gay…"_

Chapter 26: My Sensitivity is Showing.

"Legolas," I sighed to myself as I was standing on my tippy toes looking for him.

Gimli then pushed everyone out of the way and stood in the middle of the room, "Legolaaaaaaaaaas!" Everyone watched Gimli as he stood in the room with both hands in the air.

"Wait you guys I think he got scared," Frodo said as he put his hand on my shoulder.

Gimli then spit everywhere, " Oh yeah Legolas is scared he just so happens to be afraid of black people."

"Oh but he isn't afraid of you," I said doing my detective hand motions.

Gimli then sighed, "Yah I don't know then." Aragon then unclouded him self from the darkest corner of the west side of the room, of the castle in which we partake in fourth Mondays of march.

Aragon then looked minicingly at everyone, "Legolas is a man with a plan." Everyone paused and looked sad, we knew what this meant and it wasn't a good thing.

Theodeen made clicking noises with his mouth, " The army must be set up."

Auwyn then spoke interrigations, " Oh at what time may hath be, my lover?"

Gandalf hair then blew, " Fourth hour to noon."

Aowyn got lovey dovey eyed, " The legendary hour!"

Theodeen then rebutteld, "Is this what must be done?"

Gandalf then replied, "I'm afraid so."

Theodeen then announced in the leader voice, " Yes General Gandalf!" Then we all looked outside and it was very dark.

Pippin then piped in, "I see stars Herbert, I SEE STARS!"

Merry then replied, " Oh hey I see them too Pippin!"

Theodeen went hmm, " I guess we can't start the war now, it's night time."

"Oh no where will we sleep," Pippin piped in.

Kong Theodeen piped in, "I have a hotel upstairs and you can sleep there tonight."

"It better be a 5 star hotel," I said with my arms crossed all angry like everybody laughed. We then packed up our bags, and headed upstairs. I looked around it definitly wasn't a good hotel, but it looked like a classic castle hotel room complete with bunk beds, (most ancient castles have bunk beds, studies show this.)

"I call top bunk," Gandalf yelled as he flew over magically to the top bunk. Everyone giggled as they called their bunks, I got the luxury top bunk made of velvet that Theodeen just custom made for me, it said Herbert on it in gold.

"I feel so dirty everyone, I'm going to take my shower," I announced. I got into the shower and got naked, I was worried that people would want to see me naked. I started washing myself but then noticed… White stuff was cuming out of the drain!

"Ah oh no, I'm worried about what's coming out of the drain," I yelled to myself. Then all of a sudden I heard waves and dolphins!

Then all of a sudden the bubbles turned into a man It was…. KING PITCHFORK IN MY BATHTUBE!

"You, I thought we got rid of you," I yelled at King Pitchfork.

King Pitchfork replied, " But you see this is where doth thoughts are wrong, which is why I've come to assinate you!" King Pitchfork then tried to stab me with his pitchfork, I did a back flip and landed on the shower curtain pole!

"You may have forgotten Pit fork , but I am acrobatic," I yelled!

He replied, "This can't be true!"

"Oh but it is," I yelled heroically, I then transformed.

"Passionate Fire," I yelled as I threw my flames at King pitchfrok!

"AHHH how did you know my weakness is fire," King Pitchfork yelled, as he died, I just winked at the camera. I then finished up my shower and changed into my 500 dollar pajamas ( they were made of Shire Silk.)

"Hey Herbert things got pretty loud in that shower," Frodo said.

"I believe sexual intercourse was involved," Sam said in a I'm telling on you voice, we all shoved him off the top bunk, Thyself gasped and cried.

"Oh you silly little hobbits," Gandalf said with twinkle sparkles in his eyes while wagging his finger. We all giggled and looked at each other and thought of how silly and cute we all looked in our pajamas.

Merry then spoke wise words, "It's pretty late I think we should go to bed now." We all nodded and agreed and headed to bed, and turned off the lights.

Sam then talked to himself, "Sometimes I feel like I can never do anything right," then the magical 50's movie piano music starts to play.

He then continues as he sits on his bed, " I want people to like me one day, I think I need sometime time to think In my special place," Sam then got under the covers and starts to sing.

" _Dowwwwn innn myyyyyyy,_

_Special place (do do do dooo),_

_Everything goes my way (Oh oh oh),_

_And when IIIIIIIIIIIII,_

_Have a hard day,_

_I just go dowwwwn in my special little place,_

_And all my little troublesss just melt away,_

_I see butterflies (flies flies flies)_

_Flying around meeee,_

_And they represennnt the innocence of my mind,_

_And maybe, Ohhhhh maybe,_

_My heaaaaart will be set frreeeeeeeeeeeeEEE!"_

Sam then peeked out from under the covers to see Frodo's face, "I heard everything you said Sam," Frodo said with his eyes looking all girly.

Sam then started to cry, So Frodo got on Sam's bottom bunk, and comforted him with cuddles.

I gasped when I saw this, were Frodo and Sam getting back together?

I then started to sob to myself quietly, "But Frodo is mine Sam!" I started to get suspicious that song probably wasn't from Sam's heart, he probably planned it to get to Frodo!

Stay Tuned for Chapter 27 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	27. Chapter 27

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products except for the sex bomb Herbert!*

" Frodo is cheating,

Sam is singing,

Then they got in the bed,

Everyone hates Sam,

They wish he was dead!"

Chapter 27: We Got to Come Up with Money or Else We Will Lose The Ranch!

"Sexual intersource," I sighed to myself as I saw Frodo giving Sam a shoulder massage as Sam cried some tears. I couldn't take this anymore Frodo and I are soul mates, how dare he go and comfort Sam! I jumped off the bunk bed and turned on the lights.

"You're busted Sammy," I yelled, everyone jumped out of bed and gasped, and pointed at Sam. Frodo gasped and said eww as he took his hands off of Sam.

Sam then rebutteld, "but you don't understand Mr. Herbert!"

I then closed my case, " Oh yes I do you were trying to have SEX with Frodo, who just so happens to be my boyfriend!" Everyone gasped as Sam put his sheets over his head, (that was his special place remember?)

Aragon then looked around dramatically, "Sam just put sheets over his head!"

"Herebert, I don't think you understand I was just being innocent with Sam, sharing my heart for a second in the never ending time continuim of the universe," Frodo said while grabbing my hands giving me begging looks.

I sighed at sat down on bed, " Maybe I was wrong, maybe I was just seeing things."

Aragon then got that caring look on his face and sat down with me and put his hands on mine, " Don't be so hard on your self my little butterfly, you have nothing to be ashamed of." We had a sentimental moment where we just stared at each other, it was long.

Sam then burst into tears and screamed, "I had enough of this I hate Herbert!" Sam then ran out of the bedroom and into the hall with the sheets on his head, we all ran after him. Sam then accidentily ran into a stone wall and got knocked out!

"He's knocked out he's knocked out," Pippin piped in. We all traded our worried looks and then looked at Sam.

"Thy hast the late hour, thou group must slumber," Gandalf announced, we all nodded and headed off to bed.

Then the next morning I woke up and it was sunny outside. But then when I looked next to me….. Gandalf was sleeping by me!

"Good morning Sunshine," Gandalf said with a morning smile. Then I jumped out the bed, but when I looked down I was NAKED!

"Herbert you overslept we were supposed to leave about thirty minutes ago to go find Legolas,"

"Oh okay I said," I then put on a white v-neck t-shirt, black unbuttoned blazer, denim short shorts, and gold gladiator sandals. We then got out of King Theodeen's grey colored castle and went in to the forest.

The forest was a mint green color, with muddy mud, birds were chirping and it was sunny out side (basically imagine Aragon in a gold speedo.)

Then you hear in the background "do do do doo" then the zylophone sound.

Frodo then turned around with his eyes open as wide as they can go and pointed his fingers at me, "I got an idea Herbert!" We all ran towards Frodo smiling we all asked at the same time, "What is your idea Frodo?"

"We haven't been on a date in a while have we," Frodo said with his hands on his hips swinging his hips from side to side. Everyone laughed.

Gandalf then looked at us and whispered, "Fly you fools." Me and Fero smiled at each other and flew off, everyone cheered we looked back and waved at them yelling bye bye!

"Let's go do it in the tree branches," Frodo said with innocence radiating like the sun. I agreed because that's a nice place for it, The tree had pink heart shaped cherry blossoms on it. We had tea that was made by Pippin (Pippin makes tea because he's kind of a pastry chef.)

Frodo then looked at me meaningfully, " Herbert you look like so totally gorgeous today, I'm like uber jealous!"

"Oh my innocent lover thy Frodo, your innocence shines so bright, you're perfect like diamonds," I said at Frodo.

"Herbert You're gorgeous and sparkle like the morning dew on thou grass of the Shire, I which case and point is lovely," Frodo responded. We then decided that it was getting late so we returned to the others.

" Yah how be your date with the fine sir Mr. Frodo," Gimli asked with a wink as he elbowed me.

"Well it was," I started to say but then Sam interrupted me, " Who here doesn't want to hear how Herbert's date went raise your hand," Sam asked as he raised his hand no one else did though.

"Yah Herbert don't pay attention to Sam he be drinking Haterade by the gallon," Gimli yelled at the top of his lungs.

Gandalf then turned to Sam in his fighting stance and said in a scary deep voice, " Why would you even say that Samwise Gamgeen?"

"Oh come on Gandalf I know you don't want to hear it either you wanted in Herbert's shorts ever since you met him," Sam said with the jealous look in his eyes.

Gandalf cornered him against a tree and wagged his finger, "Now listen young man I'll have you know I'm dating Michael Anderson!"

Pippin then piped in, "Hey you guys, look I found a sign!" We all looked at the sign it said, "LockLauren" on it with an arrow pointing to the right.

"We should go inside," Merry yelled as he jumped up in the air.

But what will lie in LockLauren, maybe danger, maybe adventure, maybe excitement, There is only one way to find out…

Stay Tuned for Chapter 28 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	28. Chapter 28

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, products, or locations, except for the Tasty Herbert The Hobbit!*

" _Were at LockLauren,_

_Gimli is snorin, _

_We stand at the gate,_

_Willing to face fate…"_

Chapter 28: Changes

"LockLauren," I sighed to myself as I looked at the sign that showed where LockLauren is.

" Maybe we should go inside," Pippin piped in as he jumped up in the air with his hand up.

Frodo the backed up and put his hands on his heart, " No you guys I'm worried about the possibilities."

Araporn looked up with that look on his face, " The possibilities are endless."

I then walked foreword with my head in the sky, " But the sky is vast, and never ending, Believe in ourselves is the key, in our hearts!"

Everyone looked at me all amazed, "Herbert," everyone said at the exact same time.

Gandalf then smiled with tears in his eyes, " Herbeart is right and he always has been, lets go into LockLauren you guys!" Everyone nodded and made the 'mm' noise and walked forward. We then came to a gate the gate was mint green, with swirls and crystals on top.

" Oh no a gate now what," Sam said throwing his hands up in the air, you see Sam's a quitter.

"Ah who iiiiiiiissss it," A mythical elf man slave asked.

Pippin then piped in, "It's us the Hobbits!"

The man slave made the saliva noises, " Ah yes I've heard of you come on in." Then the gate opened very slowly ( you hear the ladies do the opera 'ahhhhh'). Once we were inside there were a bunch of shirtless elf fairy men playing in the waterfall.

"Looking hot boys," A black elf fairy hybrid called out to us, he looked fashionable, and had high cheek bones.

Gimli then started to shake and look around, " Yah there are a lot of sexy men here, there are so hot ughh!" We all looked at Gimli all concerned like because he was being a whore.

The black fairy man then whispered in my ear, " Throne room is on the third floor honey," he said as he batted his eyelashes, he was wearing purple glitter eye shadow.

I then blushed, " Oh thank you," I said in a shy innocent voice.

He then smacked my butt, " go get him tiger."

Sam then glared, " That man's sexuality offends me!"

Gandalf then held him back, " now, now Sam it's not the time for murder."

"YES IT IS," Sam yelled as he kicked Gandalf. We all then kicked Sam in the face. We all then continued up the stairs to the throne room, I put on my silk cape. Then all of a sudden we were at the door!

Merry then tried to open the door, "it's locked you guys!"

" There's only one thing to do," Gandalf paused, we all read each others minds, and kicked down the door! The door was mint green and made of wood. Then in front of us we saw the back of a woman with long blonde hair and a long flowing white mini dress.

"Are you the queen," Aragon asked in his old time English voice.

The lady then turned around and made her dress swirl, "Yes, I am the queen."

Gandalf then used hand speech, " But you aren't doth thou fairy, you acquire no wings."

She then replied with a regal smile, " My name is Galadriel."

"This is illegal," I said, with my I stand for justice and nothing else voice.

Galadriel then approached me, " Oh my but that's where you're sooo wrong," she moaned, (she kind of looked like Cate Blanchett, with a banging body.) I felt all insecure the situation was getting way too sexual for me.

She was cornering me against a wall, " Herbertttt," everyone yelled.

I gulped, "What do you want from me," I asked with tears.

Galadriel hugged me tight and yelled, " HERBERT I WANNA HUV YOUR BABIES!"

"I won't stand for this this is rape," Sam yelled as he pulled Galadriel off of me, Galadriel fell on the floor and started to cry.

Sam then kneeled down and put his hand on her shoulder, "baby, what's wrong?"

Galadrill put her hair in her face, " You don't understand, I got a sex change my real name is…. LEGOLAS!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO," Gimli yelled as he rushed over to hug Galadriel.

"Why did you do this," Frodo yelled while he sobbed and sobbed.

" A certain event caused this," She replied.

Gandalf then asked all dramatically, " What is the event?" the wind the blew inside the castle. Then all of a sudden the black man fairy stormed in.

"Mai, lady lord, you have a visitor," the fairy said. Then all of a sudden a laser shot the black guy! We all gasped!

Then down the hall way we heard the voice say, " DROIIIIIIIIIIIID!" Droid then flaw in the room, except this time it's wings were black, on the screen it said, "new video message!"

Gandalf freaked out, "Ah, there's no way out what do we do?" We all stood there in fear.

Pippin piped in, "We should click view message!"

We all then screamed, "NO!"

"Were doomed," Gandalf screamed pulling out his hairs.

I then raised my wand in the air, "Not to worry you guys…. I have an Idea!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 29 Of Herbert The Hobbit!


	29. Chapter 29

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products except for The curvaceous Herbert!*

" _Return of the Droid,_

_Our feelings shall not be toyed,_

_We need a way out,_

_But my heart has doubts…"_

Chapter 29: What's Happening To My Body?

"Escape," I sighed to myself because we needed to escape from the Droid!

"Ah Herbert I'm so scared you must protect me from harm's intentions," Gandalf said with his vibrato. Legolas then stood up his bows and the arrows.

Legolas then said dramatically (you know how he does this sometimes in the movie, he's doing that right now,), " We must run from the phone!" Then we all looked at each other and started running! The Droid shot the red beams!

"Gaaaaaaaandulfffffff," The Droid moaned as it was flying at us as we ran past it!

"I can't do this anymore I'm sweating so hard," Sam cried because he's out of shape.

"YAH, let's take it in the bedroom," Gimli yelled as he pointed at a bedroom.

Legolas then nodded, "Yes let's hide in Galadriel's room!" We all ran into Galadriel's room.

Frodo then shook and made the puppy dog eyes, "Oh no what if Galadriel comes in and catches us in her room." Suddenly then the droid started shooting the lasers at the door!

Pippin then piped in, "Oh no Herbert what should we do?" The wind then blew my hair and everything got bright.

"I feel the voices calling me," I said all dramatically. Everyone looked all mesmorized by me. I started to walk into the light.

"Chosen one….." a mythical voice whispered.

Sam then yelled, " We got to stop him he's going to the light!"

Gandalf then screamed, " You fool of a took," Gandalf then hit him with his walking stick. Then all of a sudden the light got really bright, I was then in a white room, it was all plain. Then a holographic lady appeared in a long white robe with the hood up.

"Herbert I must tell you, you are thu chosen one," The holographic woman named Leya said.

I gasped, " But what does this mean, I'm just your average super model!"

Leya then replied, " that's where you're wrong you're above average!"

I just stood there her words were so kind, and shocking.

"Herbert…. Only you can save the world," She then dramatically finished with her hand in the air.

I gasped, " I can't risk my life, if I died so many people would get depressed I just can't!"

Leya then said, " Hugbert you might not know it but you have special powers, you alone can save the world!" Then the image disappeared, and I was back with in Galadriel's room.

Everyone then yelled, "Herbert you're back!"

"How are we going to escape the Droid Herbert," Merry yelled.

"I know we can use my flying carpet," I announced.

Gandalf cheered, "Wow a flying carpet that's amazing Herbert!" Everyone giggled and blushed at me they were all impressed.

So I whipped out my ride and everyone hopped on, Boromir busted open the window, so we flew out.

We landed in a forest and it was pretty, and mythical. The specific causes of prostate cancer remain unknown.

As I was walking Frodo couldn't stop staring at me

"Oh doth so gorgeous and thou making my heart skip the beats," Frodo gushed, I blushed we were just so in love and we looked gorgeous together.

Sam then stopped and looked all jealous, " What do you think about me Frodol, am I pretty?" We all laughed at Sam.

"As a beauty expret I can tell you, you're fat, so no you're eww," I said pointing and flipping my hair.

Sam then looked up all sad.

Then all of a sudden we heard a voice from the bushes, " Herbert that wasn't very nice at all in fact you are very mean!"

We all were knocked off our feet, how dare this person say this to me, "Who goes there doth should show yourself," Gandalf commanded.

Then a sexy brunette appeared wearing a tight blue velvet mini dress it was…. Ashley The Wise!

Pippin cheered, we all slapped him, he couldn't go after her ever again.

I then used my chestnuts to my advantage, " Why are you here Ashley?"

"Herebret, I don't like you jkuijfekjrigtuj," Ashley the Wise then cast a spell. Then Ashley The Wise left without a single word!

"Wow that was weird I was worried she would tempt Pippin again," I sighed with relief. Everyone glared at me.

" Herbert go away nobody here likes you, you're stupid," Gandalf psshed.

Frodo then chimed in beautifully, " Yeah, and you're ugly too!" I gasped and cried, "Frodo I thought we were soul mates!"

He then replied with his hands on his hips, "Well you thought wrong you ignorant idiot."

"YAH," Gimli yelled as he shoved me away.

Everyone then chanting we hate Herbert, so I walked away all sad like.

Then it hit me ASHLEY THE WISE CAST A SPELL ON ME THAT MADE EVUYONE HATE ME! I MUST FIND THE CURE!

Stay Tuned for Chapter 30 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	30. Chapter 30

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations or products, except for Herbert the little sexy who has puppy dog eyes!*

" _Oh woe is me,_

_They all hate me,_

_How can this be,_

_I'm so lonely,_

_Be back at my side,_

_Because of you my soul has died…"_

Chapter 30: Thy belong with me.

"How can this be," I sighed to myself as I was walking away by myself into the forest. It was night time and the forest didn't seem happy any more it seemed like my sadness made everything dark, but that probably wasn't what happened.

The owls were hooting I then sobbed at myself, " How can this be I thought… I thought… Frodo loved me but I guess I was wrong!" And then and then it started to rain on me, the rain got my hair wet.

_Meanwhile, with Furdude and friends… _

"Yah I hate Herbert so much he is so full of himself," Gimli yelled.

Frodo then teased him, " ha ha I feel sorry for you Gimli he probably likes you!" They all laughed.

Gimli then opened and closed his mouth three times puffing his lips, " OH and why?"

Frodo then giggled and smiled, "because he loves black guys."

Gimli then dropped his axe and glared, " I'm not black."

Sam then whined, "then why didn't you say so!"

Gimli then sat down with his legs crossed and looked down all depressed like, "You don't need to know about my… past." Everyone gasped and looked all concerned.

Gandalf then looked in his pockets, "We are running out of supplies, I think I will go to the grocery store." Gimli then yelled, "Yo, get me something dogg!"

Sam then winked at everyone, then everyone laughed and laughed.

Gandalf, "ah thou wont be disappointed I will get you something at the store that will pleasure you!" Gandalf then started to grow his wings, specifically grey.

_Meanwhile back with Herbert…_

"AGH," I yelled as I grabbed my head!

"I'm having a vision," I moaned, I then fainted by a tree. In my vision Gandalf was dieing!

"Grop my hand if you want to live," I yelled as I reached for my man.

Gandalf then was flying and falling into the light, " NO DON'T SAVE ME HERBERT, THIS IS MY DESTINY, MY HONOR IS AT STAKE!" Then Gandalf fell into the light then everything went black!

I then screamed, " NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Then my vision ended and I was crying, I love Gandalf but he was going to commit suicide!

"Hm I think I should try to get my beauty sleep," I sighed to myself. Then I tried to sleep.

I couldn't though, " It's so hard to sleep, I'm used to having sex with Frodo every night!" I just couldn't do it, so I started to cry and I took off my clothes, then I started to do some things on the tree.

"Whoa whoa hey there young hobbit," The tree startled aloud.

I yelled really loud, "AHHHHHHHH YOU'RE A TREE AND YOU TALK!"

The tree then talked again, " Hm oh, you act as if this is impossible perhaps?"

"You just tricked me into thinking that you're a tree so you could get me naked," I argued as I shoved him, he fell.

" So Herbert, I take it you're in love with Frodo," The tree said.

I gasped, "How did you know?"

He then replied, " When you are a tree you learn a lot of things, we are all very wise and book smart, why thy not think so, maybe you like fashion."

"This makes me feel insulted," I replied this man was really rude therefore not my type.

"My dear you have made the biggest mistake in your life," The tree commanded. I gasped what could he mean? Then it was morning time, so it wasn't dark anymore, well it was but, you could see the sun, so still dark but the light was up ahead.

"HERBERT I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU ALL OVER," A man voice said all gay and happy like. I turned around and it was…. Pippin and Merry!

I gasped, "What are you two doing here?"

Pippin piped in, "We missed you a lot!"

I yelled, " but I thought you hated me?"

Merry then said, " Oh no you see, Ashley Greenwood just put a day spell on us that made us hate you."

I gasped, " Who would do such a thing?"

The tree then put his hand on my shoulder, "jealousy, my friend."

Then we all yelled, "NO ONE ASKED YOU!" All of a sudden then there was a big light shining out in the distance, it was really bright!

I gasped and yelled at the same time, "THE LIGHT THIS MEANS GANDALF'S GONNA GET MURDERED!"

"And what does this mean," Pippin piped in.

Merry then said, " where does this info come from?"

I gave him my serious icy look, "I had a vision!" Everyone then looked down seriously worried, so far every vision has come true!

Pippin then piped in, " Gandalf's going to get murdered you guys!"

I then took out my wand and activated the powers, "Let's get down to business!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 31 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	31. Chapter 31

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, products or locations, except for the athletic Herbert The Hobbit!*

"_I can make a big balloon,_

_Watch me while I blow,_

_Small at first, then bigger,_

_Watch it grow and grow,_

_Do you think it's big enough,_

_Maybe I should stop,_

_For if I blow much longer,_

_It will surely… POP!"_

Chapter 31: Gandalf, Til' The End of Time!

"Pippin you came," I sighed to myself, Merry came too though.

"We came for you because we missed you so much," Merry yelled at me.

" Yeah Ashley The Wise put a 24 hour spell on us to make us hate you," Pippin piped in.

I gasped, "That's awful you guys, where are the others?"

Merry paused, "They are doing political things."

"Again," I asked all exaspertated. Everyone nodded and sighed. Suddenly then we saw a light off in the distance!

"I see the light Herbert," Pippin piped in a scream.

I turned around dramatically, " Gandalf's going to die!" Everyone gasped!

Merry then murmured, " Oh yeah, where does this come from the library?"

Pippin slapped him, "NO, Herbert had a vision about this, when Gandalf sees the light he shall die!"

Merry then whispered to himself in shock, "This cant be true, could it I thought?"

I then said, " Very true, my dear we must leave now to save the world."

Pipipin says, " Is this the end?"

I then turned my head to the side and looked back, "This is the end of the world…. Accept it!"

We all then ran off, "Bye Bye Herbert," The tree called out. We all turned around and glared at him, he had no right.

_Meanwhile with Frodo and the others…_

Frodo was standing on top of a tree branch with one foot and the wind was blowing his hair to the left.

Sam then ran to everyone, " Frodo hasn't come down from the tree you guys!"

Legolas then replied, " So getting him down is the answer?"

Sam then yelled while sweeping his hands to the side, " WE NEED THIS!" Then everyone walked up to the tree.

"Frodo we need to talk," Aragon seasoned.

Frodo turned his back on them, " There is no reason for words…"

Gimli pushed everyone out of the way, " It's two hours until noon Frodo were running out of time!" Frodo didn't answer. Legolas then hopped from branch to branch until he got up to Frodo.

He put his hands on Frodo's shoulder, " It's time you know that right?"

Frodo then sobbed, " I know about the present, just not the future!"

Legolas then looked sensitive at him, " No worries are required, for I am here."

Frodo looked at him, "What does this mean?"

Legolas faced Frodo, " This means…. This means…. I LOVE YOU!" The wind blew and everything froze.

_Meanwhile with Herbert and company…_

We then were getting closer to the light!

Merry then asked everyone, "Do you think were ready for this?"

I then replied, " Of course, we must remember we must save Gandalf we must remember that we must save Gandalf!"

"Pippiiiiiiiiiiin Pippin save meeee," A gorgeous boy voice yelled.

Pippin piped in, " Herbert I hear a voice calling for me who could it be?" Then at that moment a crystal ball floated down from the sky with a boy in it, he had fair skin brunette hair, an adorable face, an orange v-neck t-shirt, blue jeans, and an adorable face.

Pippin ran to the ball, " What's you're name?"

"My name is Casey," Casey said. Bubbles then were flying every where and Pippin's eyes were sparkling, It looked like love at first sight!

"Pippin you must save me," Casey begged touching his hand against Pippin's, except not really because they had crystal between them.

Pippin piped in again, "Save you, from what?"

"From me," banged a voice from behind a tree, then from behind a tree jumped out an orc!

I gasped and heroically jumped out from behind Pippin, " You, I knew this was the capability of the orc gender!"

The orc then replied, " Ah, you guessed right Hefnert, it is I you shall never save Casey!" Casey gasped all frightened like.

The orc then threw a fireball at me, and it knocked me backwards!

The orc then said, " Oh Herbert you can't do anything right you suck!" I grunted in pain.

Then he grabbed Pippin and Merry, " And I shall kill your little hobbit friends too!"

"No, I can't let you do this to them they have been my best friends since child hood I can't do anything without their love," I yelled angrily.

"Herbert…" Pippin and Merry whispered with love.

"Oh yeah," The orc asked while he took his knife and put a cut on Pippin's arm.

Then once I saw that light started shining off my amulet of courage and I started to transform, my muscles grew, my hair kind of spiky, and my shirt flew off!

I then got up slowly off the ground and announced slowly, " This battle is just starting up." Then I shot a light beam at the orc, he countered with a darkness bem! Our powers were starting to get equal then! Then at that moment Casey and Pippin hugged, I must win, for the power of love and friendship!

"Love Beaaaaaaam," I screamed then my beam got more powerful and destroyed his darkness beam!

The orc then fell and screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOO MY POWERS HATH FAILLLLLLLLLLLLED!" Then the crystal ball broke and Casey was free!

"Oh thank you Pippin, how can I repay you," Casey asked.

Pippin looked tenderly, "Having you here is enough," then they had a big hug. Merry rolled his eyes, I think he was jealous of their love.

I ran up to the orc and shook him, " Where's Gandalf ANSWER ME NOW!"

"It's….. too… late for him…." The orc said with an evil weak smile.

I gasped, " GANDALF'S DEAD?" The orc then just disappeared into the ground, and died.

I then fell to the ground crying.

Merry then ran over, " Herbert what's wrong?"

I then weakly sobbed, "It's Gandalf…."

Casey then came over with Pippin, "What about Gandalf," they asked.

I then screamed, " GANDALF'S DEAD!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 32 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	32. Chapter 32

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

* Disclaimer I don't own any of these locations, products, or characters except for the mm mm mm mm good Herbert!*

" _The Earth stopped spinning,_

_Gandalf wasn't winning,_

_Twas an awful night,_

_Because of the fight,_

_But yet…_

_I love Frodo with all my might…"_

Chapter 32: Thy Best Moi Ever Hadest

"Grandpa…" I sighed to myself, and everyone else for that matter!

"And he's dead," Merry said sadly while stroking his hands through my hair.

Sam then said sassily, " Oh my you can always buy a new grandpa, no one would noootice!" I then fell to the ground crying and he ran away all suspenseful.

"Ugh," I grunted as I curled up on the floor.

Merry then put his hand on my shoulder, " Oh no Herbert what's wrong?"

I looked up then with my teary ice blue eyes (when I'm sad this happens), " Have… you ever had a broken heart?" I then started to softly my sobs.

"Yes, recently…" Pippin said while looking down diagonally, the wind then blew his hair and we all gasped.

"AH," I yelled.

Pippin then cheerfully piped in, "What's wrong my Herbert What's wrong?"

I then looked up while clenching my pearly whites, "My stomach hurts, it cramps!"

Merry then enlightened, " One time, when I was little, about six I got sick, and my mom she made me this tea, and then I didn't feel sick any more."

"Oh I remember that," Pippin piped in nodding his head and smiling really big.

I then looked off into the distance, "This is beyond the matter of life and death you guys…" Then I completely fell to the ground in my white ruffled shirt.

"Herbert," Pippin yelled as slid on his knees to me.

Merry then listened to my heartbeat, " Everyone I feel like I must inform, he is not dead, but he has fainted!"_Meanwhile with Gimli and his gang…_

Gimli was walking with every one with a stumble in his step, " URG what's the matter with me I feel funny!"

Aragon then made air quotes and rolled his eyes, "Oh it's because he's trippin'." Every one giggled at the silly pun.

"What did you say funny man," Gimli threatened as he shook his fist in his face.

Aragon made a loud gulp and looked scared, "On no I meant lets enjoy all the natural habitat!"

Gimly then spit and answer back, "I'll make your natural habitat the grave, under ground and you'll enjoy nature THERE!" Aragon then looked away feeling rejected.

Frodo then intruded, " Hey you guys that wasn't very nice you know Aragin enjoys comedy, let's all appreciate the talent."

Gimli then he sat down and put some bread in his mouth, " Yeah yeah, this is true he's a funny man, I'll tell everyone that." Aragon then blushed as Gimli pointed his figer at him.

Aragon then asked shyly, "Do you really mean that Gimli?"

Sam then ran in frantically, "Everyone I have some news to share!" Everyone stood in anticipation, they were scared probably. Legolas then asked in a rhythmic manner, "The problem is…"

Sam then finished, "GANDALF!" Every one then gasped, of course. Gimli then said roughly with raspy in his voice, "Oh no," Gimli then swallowed, "here comes Sam with his boy drama." Everybody giggled Gimli was on a roll today with the jokes.

"No, I tell you this might be important," Sam said jumping up and down with anger.

Frodo then smiled at Sam, "I'll always be here to listen Sam."

Sam then looked up and smiled with his mouth sweetly, " thanks, as always Frodo."

"Your always welcome," Frodo responded.

Sam then started frantically looking back and forth, "Oh well, anyways you guys Gandalf has died and Herbert has fainted!" Everyone then soberly looked down at the ground.

Frodo then yelled while crying, "HERBIE HAS FAINTED?"

Sam then looked down, " I wish it didn't have to be like this."

"Me neither," everyone mumbled to themselves.

_Meanwhile at that exact same moment with Herbert and company…_

"Urg," I sighed to myself.

"HERBERT," Pippin and Merry yelled gaily. I smiled really big, I'm so happy that everyone cares about me.

"I was sooo worried that you were dead," Merry sobbed while hugging me. Then right at that moment Frodo came running over to us. We then all started walking together, until we saw a bright light we all fell to the floor.

I then started to slowly look up then the music started to play, It was Gandalf!

He then started to speak, "Thou know many boys be wondering if my songs are about them, but don't get confused… THIS ONES FOR HERBERT!"

Gandalf then started to sing while swaying back and forth,

"_Herbert Thou my everything,_

_Thy all I ever wanted,_

_I want you forever,_

_I swear I could spend what ever on it,_

_Never have to beg for it,_

_Cuz Herbert's a slut,_

_And I say the same thing every single time,_

_I say Herbert you thy best,_

_Herbert you thou best,_

_Best moi ever had,_

_Best moi ever had,_

_I say Herbert you thy,_

_Know you dating Frodo,_

_But you'll do it anyways,_

_That's cuz you an easy gay,_

_White jeans blue cardi,_

_Chillin' with Sephora on,_

_That's when thy the prettiest,_

_I hope thou dost not take it falsely…"_

I then stopped Gandalf and gave him a big hug, "That was so sweet I'm so glad you wrote that for me!"

Frodo then gave everyone a girly smile, "Gandalf the gay!"

Gandalf then grew dark and scary and big, " Don't you dare say that to me or else you shall be banished from they kingdom!" Frodo then apologized and bowed down to Gandalf. Then everyone else came to us.

Sam then put his hands on his hips, " That song sucked, you kept calling Herbert a slut!" Everyone gasped and kicked Sam to the ground.

Frodo then defended me, " Herbert's a nice little virgin boy, you're the only one calling him a slut around here!"

"Oh well no more talk of this, we must head to Mourdor," Gandalf said while clapping his hands together.

"AH, but I lost the map and don't know how to get there," Pippin piped in. We all slumped to the ground.

"mmmm help you need," a voice said from behind the bushes.

"Who's there," Aragon yelled getting out his cane.

Then a gray tiny anerexic man came out from the bushes, " Misa Gollum I can help you to Mouuuuurdor!"

Stay Tuned for Chapter 33 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	33. Chapter 33

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit..

**Christmas Special!**

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these products, locations, or characters except for the ever so festive Herbert The Hobbit!*

" Tis' thy season,

For lots of giving,

And some singing,

Time to be happy,

Also sex and family…"

Chapter 33: It's Christmas Frodo Baggins!

"Cold," I sighed to myself, because it was cold outside so I said it.

Sam then looked back at everyone in a knowing way, "Well we know why it's cold outside." Everyone did a secretive laugh, I did too, and so did Frodo.

Pippin then popped under my arm, "It's Christmas time don't cha know?"

Legolas then looked off into the distance, "The Shire."

Gimli then sat beside Legolas and put his arm around him all comforting, "Aye do ye be missing it?"

He then looked down holding back tears, "Yes," we all moaned sadly. I looked at everyone they looked so sad, I can't stand to watch other people cry. You see ever since I was little it was my goal in life to make everyone happy. Then everyone was holding their arms around each other, Aragon was crying!

I then jumped up heroically and yelled, " Don't worry everyone I'm here, I promise to you and all of thy world that thou will be ith happy!"

Gandalf then stood up with proud tinkles in his eye, " My, My Herbert Dior Von Furstenburg, I think you might have a plan."

I smiled and went on with the speech, " You see everyone I have a teleporter!" Everyone gasped real loud, and I saw some people in the crowd smiling.

Frodo then ran up and gave me a big hug, "Hopbert!" I smiled and lifted it in the air, and PUSHED THE BUTTON! Then all of a sudden we were transported into my bedroom!

"Wow you're bedroom is beautiful," Legolas said very impressed, he has never been in my bedroom before.

Gandalf then ran out of my bathroom, " Hey you guys did you know that there will be a Christmas party tonight, with a contest to see who will be Christmas Prince of The Shire?"

I gasped, " Really?"

Pippin then popped up behind me, " Oh my oh my, you should enter Herbert!" Everyone excitedly agreed.

Gandalf then looked over his shoulder dramatically, "I believe that title belongs to me."

I looked up dramatically, " Is this really happening?"

Gandalf then turned his back on me, " I can't be your friend forever Herbert, you should know this."

" What about as my Grandpa Gandalf," I said hurt in my voice.

Gandalf then looked down, " You should know that too."

I grabbed his arm crying, " Oh Gandalf please stay with me please."

He then turned around dramatically and put his hand on his heart, " Herbert don't make me choose!" Everyone stood in shock and Gandalf ran away crying.

" So wow, there's like a party tonight what are you going to wear Herbert," Frodo asked.

I replied, " Well you know me, probably something high fashion and couture."

"Aw man I have nothing to wear," Merry sighed.

I then stretched my arms out, "don't worry I have clothes for everyone!" Then they all cheered, in joy.

We all got into our separate dressing rooms, they had full wardrobes in each of them specialized to our styles, (I set it up earlier that day.) I put on a red sequined tank top, black skinny jeans, a black draped cardigan, with red peep toe sling backs. I flat ironed my hair, and accentuated my high cheekbones. We all then left the dressing rooms at the same time.

" Wow," I yelled amazed Legolas was wearing a long purple satin blouse with nothing underneath, with some self tanner on his body. Gimli was looking fly with a red and black leather jacket and red leather pants. Frodo wearing a red turtleneck, with a white fuzzy cape. Pippin and Merry were wearing matching Christmas sweaters with Santa on them, they also had skinny jeans on.

Then all of a sudden we heard someone at the door, " Pip Pip Cheerio," I looked in the peephole and it was my dad BILBO!

He came in "Herbert hello!"

"Bilbo," I yelled as I gave him a big hug, I felt all warm and fuzzy inside, this happens when you love your family and I hope all of you get this feeling when you see your family.

Bilbo then looked me in the eye, " Oh Herbert I love you."

"Hurry up you guys were going to be late for the party," Merry yelled at us all, we then said oh and left. Bilbo was wearing his sexy red suit. When we left it was night, and they had these Christmas lights hanging all over The Shire. We then went to the dance floor and the food table.

"Hey Herbert come sit on my lap," I turned around it was Sam dressed as Santa Claus!

"Ew Sam that's nasty," Aragon yelled at Sam.

Pippin then piped in hurt, "Oh no Sam don't say those inappropriate things, especially In front of Herbert!" Sam then sadly ran off being all sad.

" Pippin," a sweet familiar voice chimed in.

Pippin turned around all happily, " Casey!" They then hugged each other, Pippin picked him up and twirled him around. Casey was wearing a red and green striped v-neck shirt with blue jeans.

"Oh my oh my I haven't seen you in forever Papa Pippin," Casey gushed with warm reunion tears in his eyes.

"Oh hello Herbert," Aragon said while standing on top of a chair.

I gasped, "You, what are YOU doing here, when did you get here."

Aragon then laughed evilly, " You'll see."

Then at that moment a hobbit came on stage and announced, " The contestants for this years Christmas Prince are Herbert Dior Von Furstenburg, Gandalf, and Aragon." I gasped, " With who's help Aragon?"

" With mine," I turned around Gandalf had his hun on Aragon's shoulder.

Aragorn then crossed his arms, " This is really cool because you don't have a Dad!" I then fell to the ground crying and Aragon and Gandalf walked away laughing meanly.

" Oh no I'm just not good enough to be the Christmas prince," I sobbed.

Frodo then put his hand on my shoulder, "You're always good enough to be my Christmas prince."

I then looked up at him sadly, " Really Frodo?"

Frodo then locked at me lovingly, " Love is all you need!"

Then the announcer made an announcement over the intercom, "Everyone it's time to announce the winner of the Christmas prince!" We all ran to the stage because we were so excited about the results.

The grown hobbit man then continued, " And the winner is…. Herbert The Hobbit!" Everyone then stood up and cheered, I went up on stage to accept my award.

"Speech, speech, speech," People in the crowd cheered.

Then Gandalf stormed on stage and took the microphone, " Herbert Ima let you finish but, Aragon would've been the greatest Christmas Prince of all time!"

Everyone then booed him as he shrugged and walked off stage.

Pippin then turns around and faces the camera, " Ha ha get the joke you guys this is a parody of when that hot black rapper interrupted the ugly blond girl on that award show!"

I looked out into the crowd and Gandalf was crying, I ran over there to him.

"Hey sweetie what's wrong," I asked Gandalf.

" Oh I'm just so sad I should've won the title of Christmas Prince," Gandalf sobbed, he had Taylor Swift hair, and red shimmering robe dress.

I then moved his curly pretty locks out of his hair, " Oh don't worry you're my grandpa, we are family."

Gandalf then sniffled, " Well that makes me feel good inside."

Pippin then yelled really loud, " Everyone it's time for bed let's go to bed it's time for bed." We all agreed and went there. Everyone then went into the bedroom to go tell secrets and do other friendship things. I was too sad though so I sat by the fireplace.

I sighed to myself, " I'm just so sad because I don't have a father."

"Why the long face partner," Bilvo asked curiously.

" I just wish I had a dad, I've spent all my life alone," I cried.

Bilbo then put his hand on my knee and looked me in the eye and sung with a whisper, " Herrrbert I'm yourr fatherr."

My eyes started to water up all dramatic, "What?"

He then whisper sung again, "I'm your fatheeer."

I then gave him a big hug with tears in my eyes, " Oh daddy I love you!"

Bilbo wet whispered in my ear, " I love you too babe."

I went back into my bedroom everyone was asleep and Pippin was tucking Casey into bed.

"Merry Christmas my little angel," Pippin said to Casey.

Casey then whispered, " Goodnight Papa Pippin," he then fell asleep.

I put my arm around Pippin, " I think family is the most important thing ever."

Pippin then piped in really happy, " Oh my me too!" I smiled at Pippin.

I then wiggled, " Oh well, I think I'm going to my silk bed."

Gasdalf then said, " Merry Christmas my sweet Grandson."

I then yelled, " Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" Everyone gave me a sentimental look.

Stay Tuned For Chapter 34 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	34. Chapter 34

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products except for Herbert the sextacticle!*

"_We were lost,_

_And now were found,_

_Oh look,_

_It's Gollum,_

_He says he can help,_

_There are smiles abound,_

_No frowns of frost,_

_Like in a book…"_

Chapter 34: Gollum The Guide

"Your name is Gollum," I sighed to myself at Gollum. Gollum then gave a knowledgeable nod, he was a very calm guy his was sitting the Indian style, mixed with zen.

" My, my, my, my, my how rude are we not introducing ourselves, right hobbits," Gandalf turned around smiling and nodding. We all laughed nervously, we didn't want to upset Gandalf, who knows what would happen.

Gandalf then shoved everyone on his hips, " Say hi to Aragon, then to Gimli, Then we have Legolas he's a nice man, Here's Sam, Merry, Pippin they say top o' the morning, and here's Frodo he's quite the ravishing little boy." Gollum nodded and stroked his chin, he was deep in thought knowing what was happening.

Gandalf then pointed at me, " And this right here is my friend Farkus!"

I growled at everyone.

"Aye, help ye be needing," Gollum said pacing thoughtfully.

Pippin then piped in, " We need to go to Mourdor, if you would be so kind sir."

Gollum then puffed his cigarette and whispered, " Mourdooooor."

" Ah good sir, so you live there," Gimli said politely.

Gollum then paced furiously, " NO I WILL NOT HAVE IT, MOURDOR IS NOT FOR THE WEAK AT HEART, INCLUDING ALL OF YOU!"

I then stood up bravely, " The ring calls me there!"

Gollum then yelled, " Don't tell people that it's a secret, nobody knows of it, you could get killed or lost!" I then looked down to the ground and started to tear up.

" Oh Herbert you're so cute when you're being forgetful," Sam gushed.

"Shut up Sam, no one told him that yet," Gandalf shoved.

Aragon then got in Sam's face in a classy way, " Yes young one don't get mad at him for things he hasn't even done."

Gollum then interrupted shaking, " Mourdor, yes I have a map." We all gasped!

Legolas looked up, " If we head out now we can get there before the sun sets!"

Gimli then picked up his backpack, " Yeah, I second."

Pippin then pipes in, "I will third!"

Gollum then growled and spit on the ground, " Affirmitive, terminate the talking, all of you are making me angry!"

Sam talks by Gollum's ear, "Oooooooh looks like someone's angry, right boys?" We all kind of giggled.

Gollum then flipped around and took out his knife, "You feeling lucky my friend, I want to koll you," Gollum gave a raspy wet yell. Sam gulped.

" Be careful little man you don't know the dangers of the blade, Thou blade is a very hard, wanting nothing more hence being in my body, thy stick it deep, making the wound seen to all o' the majestic middle earth, if this what brings you happy soul, please, do it to me," Gandalf sobbed while closing his eyes.

Merry then had tears come to his eyes, " Gandalf.."

Gollum then sprinted all crazy eyed at Gandalf, "Oh so the young man wants to die do he, wants to be a hero do ye?"

Then Gandalf was all like, " I'm doing this for my people, my race, my love thut runs through my very veins in my soul, you see, I shall never ever ever ever ever give up Herbert!"

I then grunted and ran in front of Gollum dramatically, " No you can't do this, HE'S MY GRANDPA!" Everyone gasped the wind blew my hair in my wind.

Gollum gasped, " Herbert The Hobbit, It's really you!"

I then whipped my hands out, " Yes it is I Herbert The Hobbit, let Gandalf go!"

Gollum then did a sexy half smile, " Oh yeah?" I then nodded seriously and went mm.

Gollum then did that thing where you rub the tip of your knife, " And to whom do I owe this fabulous favor?"

Gandalf then gulped, " This favor is for me, YOU OWE IT TO ME!"

Gollum quickly whipped it out, " Gandalf, how did you get here?"

Gandalf replied sassily as he got closer to Gollum, "Easily, you aren't that hard to find sir Smeagle!" Gandalf pulled out his cane, and Gollum pulled out his knife. I then started to feel so light, and fragile. Then all of a sudden I fainted!

"HERBERT," Everyone yelled as they ran up to me, then everything went black. Then a few hours later I woke up and I was in the hospital, they had me in the white hospital gown, my room had a get better balloon in it, everyone was there!

Frodo then cried tears of joy, " Herbert I was so worried about you!"

"Oh no I'm fine don't worry for me," I said weakly.

Gollum then spoke, " But we were so concerned about you, I would be so sad if you died!"

I smiled with my eyes, " You guys are my best friends in the entire world!" Then at that moment a handsome male doctor came in with a clipboard, he had big biceps.

"Oh sir Herbert you're awake that's great news," The handsome doctor said with sparkles in his eyes. We all smiled and looked at each other.

"Doctor what's happened to Herbert why did he faint," Frodo begged the doctor for answers.

The doctor then sighed, " Well Herbert…. You're Pregnant!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 35 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	35. Chapter 35

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products, except for the oh so delightful Herbert The Hobbit!*

" _My belly is full,_

_Of love and life,_

_It feels so wonderful,_

_My love for Frodo plentiful,_

_Now I know we'll be together for life,"_

Chapter 35: Madness In The Village

"But I'm a virgin," I sighed to myself.

The doctor then wrote some stuff on his clipboard, " Well my this is an unusual case."

I started to cry in my sheets, " I don't know what to do I'M A VIRGIN!" Everyone gasped.

Aragon then rubbed his beard thoughtfully, " The reason is unknown."

The hot doctor nodded, " That it is, I think you all should pay attention." Everyone nodded too, they were going to pay attention.

Then the doctor paced the floor, " This is a very unusual case."

Gollum then pushed everyone out of the way, " Then what should we do good sir hmmmmm?"

The doctor flapped his arms, " I I have no clue, what do you want me to say."

Gimli put his hands on his hips, " That my boy here is a virgin!"

" I think it's because of how strong our love is," Frodo said sentimentally. Everyone said oh.

The coctor then ran out yelling, " Nurse nuuuuuurse!"

Gandalf then leaned into me and nodded his head "we should get going to destroy the ring." We all nodded and agreed, that was important because the ring is evil.

Everyone left the room except for me because I was changing. I changed into some brand new clothes, I was wearing a tight pink shirt, black leather jacket, black skinny jeans, black over the knee boots, and a pink headband with a bow on it, (Frodo brought me these clothes earlier.) I flat ironed my hair and made it look all smooth, and put on lip enhancing lip gloss (Frodo didn't give me that I just carry that stuff with me.) I then left out side the door was Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Sam, Legolas, Gollum, and Aragon!

"Are you okay," Pippin piped in nervously.

" Just dandy," Gollum replied.

" That's great to hear," Sam said as he put Gollum in a head lock and rubbed his head. Then all of a sudden we heard people screaming out side, and big explosions!

We all looked at each other, " Trouble," Legolas said dramatically. We all looked at each other and nodded and ran out of the hospital. Once we ran out of the hospital the hospital blew up! Everything was on fire and people were dead, and people were running around screaming! Then I looked up and beyond slightly there was a tall elf man standing on the wall, he was brunette with slightly slanted eyes, he had wrinkles, he was wearing a black cape with a red ruby in the middle, a black vest under it, and black baggy jeans!

Then the elf man began to yell "Bombs and madness, guns and knifes, flames and armor, let the madness pour into your soul like poi…SIN," he then laughed like an evil maniac.

I gasped and looked scared, " Who's that Gandalf?"

Gandalf looked angry in a here we go again sort of way, " That's Elrond he's been trying to destroy all of middle earth for centuries now, he wants to take over the world!" I gasped and looked scared, Frodo held my hand.

Then all of a sudden one of Elrond's soldiers ran up to him, " Sir master Laron."

Elrond flipped his hair and turned around, " Yes young meaningless minion?"

The soldier then spoke, " What should I do now, kill the mayor?"

Elrond turned back around, " Negative, I have a better plan for thou." The soldier then looked confused and saluted his master.

Elrond turned back around dramatically flicking his cape and pointing his finger, " You must kill Herbert Dior Von Furstenburg!" The wind then blew, and could hear fire snapping.

The soldier then fidgeted shyly, " I don't know… if I could do that."

Elrond then yelled and kicked him off the wall, " Ugaaa!" Then the soldier man was falling and screaming then he fell and died! We all were shocked, Sam started to cry, because he's pathetic. Then Elrond looked at me and jumped off the wall, he took out his sword and charged at me. Once he got in front of me he stopped and posed.

I then got in front of everyone protectively, " Who… who are you?"

Elrond then looked out of the corner of his eye, " I'm Elrond I'm here to destroy you and all your little friends Gerbert!"

I then responded with a snap in my step, " You shall never hurt my Frodo Elrond!"

He then grabbed Gollum by the neck and held him in the air, " That's LORD ELROND TO YOU!" Gollum then gulped, Gandalf cane started to glow, Elrond then dropped Gollum and started to stare at the light. I was so proud of Gandalf, (The light in Gandalf's cane sometimes hypnotize people.)

Elrond then broke out of the hypnosis, " Ha, you think that can hold me back, it never will I'm too powerful for your wizardry Gandlaugh!" Elrond then laughed at his joke.

Aragon took out his rod, " You will pay for talking to my father like that!"

Elrond laughed again, " Ha, you foolish fiends you can never rescue Princess Arwin!"

Gandalf gasped exasperatedly, " No not the princess!"

Elrond laughed again, "Ha, she's kidnapped in my castle, you will never get her, it's heavily guarded and she's at the very top!" Everyone gasped and sobbed.

Frodo then sobbed, " There's no hope we can never do this!" The rest of the gang nodded and agreed with Frodo while Elrond laughed at us all.

I then stood up dramatically, " No there's hope never give up you guys, I'm going to save her!" Every one smiled encouraged at me. Gimli then gave me a big hug.

Gandalf then put his hand on my shoulder, " you go save the princess, we'll distract Elrond for you."

My eyes teared up, "Thanks Grandpa." Frodo started to cry.

I then ran into the sunset as everyone waved good bye, I then realized I had something important to do.

Stay Tuned For Chapter 36 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	36. Chapter 36

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these products, locations, or characters except for my precious Herbert The Hobbit!*

"_The Evil man,_

_Has a plan,_

_Kidnapped the Princess,_

_I'll do what's best…"_

Chapter 36: Herbert The Hero

"Arwin," I sighed to myself, you see that name of the princess, I had to save her, in the castle, she's high up.

Gandalf then said, "Herbert hurry were running out of time, you have minutes to save the world!"

Larond then shoved him down and put his magic staff at his throat, " Oh think you're a hero ehhh, want to save the world ehh you can't!"

Gandalf then gulped, "Oh yes oh yes I can!"

Elrond laughed, " Little man I don't think you know the laws of this universe!"

Gandalf then argued, " Oh yeah prove it!"

Elrond then laughed and whipped his hair, " Because Gandalf… I'M ALSO A WIZARD!"

The camera then closed up on Gandalf's face and his whispered, "No…"

Elrond then laughed and all his soldiers did too.

Gollum then stood up heroically, " I wont let you do this to my friend!"

Gollum then ran up and punched Elrond, Elrond used his force field and Gollum got thrown on the ground.

Elrond laughed, " Ha, did you think you could stop me OLD man, minions take him away!"

They all said, "Yes sir." They took Gollum off into a corner and tied him up and started to beat him! Elrond was pointing and laughing.

Elrond then stopped laughing, " Okay I'm done with your shenanigans Gandalf, I shall kill you know and the world will no longer be sad and angry!" Gandalf then started to cry, as Elrond was laughing and getting his power staff glowing.

Frodo then got out his sword, " Over my dead body!" Everyone gasped.

Legolas ran up to Frodo, " No don't do it Fodro!"

Frodo then shoved Legolas off of his body, " I'm doing this for Herbert!"

Legolas then yelled shyly, "But I…"

Frodo then grabbed him and screamed in his face, " BUT YOU WHAT?" Then the wind blew and Legolas kissed Frodo!

Legolas then said cutely, "But I love you!" Everyone out here glared at Legolas and Frodo looked sad.

_Meanwhile with Herbert…_

" I have to save the princess it's the only way, I just have to," I yelled to myself while running. Then I saw a castle.

"There's the castle," I said sneakily. I saw a castle it was grey!

Then a man eye peeped through the door, " HALT young sir who goes there!"

"It is I Herbert The Hobbit I came to save Arwin," I yelled gayliantly.

The man then looked surprised, "Ah no I can't let you in!"

I then begged, " This is totally important let me in!"

"NEVER," The guard yelled. I opened the door and went inside. I was walking through a hall and there were guards with weapons, axes! Then there was another door and I opened it, there was a spiral staircase that was really big in it.

I then yelled up, "Arwin thy needest not to worry I'm here to save thou!"

Arwin then smiled at me, " Oh good!" Then I ran up the stairs and I was going to save Arwin. She wanted me to save her, the evil Lord Elrond kidnapped her in the Castle!

"This is terrible I have to save her," I yelled.

Arwin then yelled down at me, " Oh Herbert You're finally here I heard you would be here, and now I'm so happy!"

I then whispered to myself with tears in my eyes, " Me too…"

Then all of a sudden people were yelling outside, " Hey I think I heard a man in here!" I gasped.

Then a guard looked through the window, " Hey look you guys it's Herbert The Hobbit!"

Then their boss yelled, " GET HIM OUT OF THIS PALACE OR SO ELROND SHALL KILL US ALLLLL!" Then they all charged and broke down the door, I ran up the stairs really quick. They were all chasing me.

I ran into Arwin's room and sighed to myself, I was safe.

Then I heard a yell, " My hero!" It was Frodo! Frodo was wearing a long white robe. I hugged him.

I then sweetly said, " Your skin is so pale and beautiful, you're so beautiful!"

"Not as beautiful as you, I love you," Frodo replied. We then looked at each other really dramatically and the wind blew through the window, (back in these days there was no such thing as glass windows were just holes in the wall, winter was tough for people in the middle ages, I read about it.)

I then said softly, " Frodo I think I want to kiss you!" Then we started to kiss. There was a bed in the room and we started to kiss on the bed too!

Frodo then told me, " Oh Herbert I don't think I'm ready we've been dating for a really long time, but I'm nervous because we are kissing."

I then said dramatically, " But were a perfect couple!" Then I kissed him again.

Then all of a sudden the door slammed open, " Hey Herbert it's me we defeated Elrond and…AH!" It was…FRODO!

Stay Tuned for Chapter 37 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	37. Chapter 37

_**An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit**__**!**_

_***Disclaimer I do not own any of these characters, locations, or products except for my dear Herbert The Hobbit!***_

" _**I've been caught,**_

_**In distraught,**_

_**Things got hot,**_

_**I still love Frodo a lot…"**_

**Chapter 37: In Love and thy Destiny, I Be There.**

"**It's not…. It's not… IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK FRODO," I sighed to myself quietly loudly. **

**Frodo then cried really quietly, and everything was quiet, we all were quiet, really quiet. Then Gimli, Gandalf, Sam, Legolas, Pippin, Merry, Aragon, and Gollum ran in furiously!**

**Gimli kicked down the door, " Yah, we defeated Elwrong!" Everyone giggled at the pun.**

" **No, No you guys were having problems in this palace," Aragon said calmly with his arms out with that look on his face, (That face he has a lot.)**

**I then cried and everyone looked sensitive at me, " No Frodo, I got confused and I thought it was you!" Everyone nodded.**

**Arwin then rose up to the occasion and put her hand over her heart and said, " You see everyone I don't know if I should be telling everyone about this."**

**Frodo then lifted out his hands and yelled, "YOU DON'T!"**

**Arwin then yelled, "SECRETS ARENT FOREVER, THIS IS WHAT'S NEEDED!" Frodo then laid down on the bed, opening his legs.**

**Arwin then said thinking, " Frodo is my twin brother!" Everyone gasped.**

**Frodo then got up and said put his hand on my shoulder, " This is why I said I forgive you, because you were just kissing my twin sister." Then I could see it she looked a little bit like Liv Tyler, but mostly like Frodo, I mean, give Frodo long hair.**

**Then I looked up at Frodo sadly, "So you forgive me?"**

**Frodo smiled and put his hands on his hips and said sassily, " Of course no big deal at all."**

**Arwin then giggled and tickled her brother, "Happens all the time, I'm used to it!" Everyone laughed, especially Frodo!**

**Pippin then piped in, " Oh my, happy endings always, I'm so happy I'm giggling, everyone else too?"**

**We all laughed and laughed and yelled at the same time, "YES!"**

**Then all of a sudden we heard some yelling man coming upstairs, "Arwin, my Arwin where are thee, I hear noises up here!"**

"**Oh no it's dad," Frodo yelled. Then the door flew open!**

**Arwin's dad then said, "Oh it's just you and your brother…AH!"**

**He then shook his fists me, "Arwin you have boys in your room, It's Herbert Dior Von Furstenburg!"**

"**Hello I'm Arwin's dad, Steven," Steven said.**

"**Oh hi," I said shyly Steven said a half aw.**

**Steven then made a salvia noise and clacked his cane, " Well, well Herbert come to my throne we have some politics to talk about, it's very important you might know." I followed Steven to his black and gold throne room, and he sat down and got the servants to put his feet up for him.**

"**Sit, sit, my sir Herbert, siiiit," Steven said classily. I sat and looked at him.**

**Steven gave me a serious pouty look, "You know you're the chosen one right?" I gasped.**

**I then said excitedly, " Oh yes Leia already told me the I am I mean…" I wasn't supposed to tell people.**

**Steven then raised his eye brow and sat at the edge of his throne, "Oh really, tell me more Herbret."**

**I then said nervously, " Oh no I can't, really, I really like you but I can't, not now anyways!"**

**Steven then made a frown on his face, "Oh, Okay, do you know you're important?"**

**I then said wisely and dramatically as the wind blew my hair, "Yes, soon thou destiny is unfolding, teaching me things, many things, that I now know, it feels amazing when I think about it every time, I get very excited."**

**Steven then finished putting on his white face powder and black eye liner, and red lipstick, "Ah I see you are quite the young man Herbert, I mean so beautiful, and heroic, almost perfect."**

**I blushed and said modestly, " Oh, not really, I mean people tell me that but oh my."**

**Steven then gave me a sexy face, "Herbert are you ready to be treated like royalty," He said as he whispered in my ear. **

**I gasped and poured my tea on him, "No I only love Frodo!" Then I ran out of there and into Arwin's room again, everyone was there!**

"**Herbert you're back, why are you crying," Everyone yelled concerned and worried.**

**I sobbed, "Steven was being mean he was trying to get me to have sex with him!" Everyone gasped.**

"**Were you being sexually suggestive," Sam asked. We all slapped him really hard, except for me I don't like violence.**

**Gimli put his hand on my shoulder, and put me in a friendly headlock, "You know what they say, Haters, like the fillers, and killers, like the propellers, It aint good man, it's like keep walking and keep it going keep doin' what you do boy!"**

**I smiled with happy tears in my eyes, "That makes me feel better Gimli thanks." Gimli kissed me on the cheek and I gasped.**

**Arwin then stood up angry, "Oh Daddy!"**

**Frodo, " I love you Herbert!"**

**Then Gandalf said, "I love you too Herbert!" Everyone nodded, I was so happy everyone was so supportive of my abstinence.**

**Then the door knocked Pippin opened it. It was Steven! **

**He was rubbing his clock, "Oh um, Gimli, young sir?"**

**Gimli put his hands up, "Yeah?"**

"**Remember how you showed me your package," Steven asked nervously.**

"**Yah I do," Gimli yelled.**

**Steven then said, " You gave it to me."**

**Gimli laughed and gasped, "Oh I didn't mean to!"**

**Steven then took out the package, and Gimli grabbed it.**

"**Wow that's a big package," Pippin piped in a yell!**

**Legolas looked dramatic and shocked, " How were you traveling with that big thing?"**

**Gimli yelled, " I just got it in the mail today!"**

**Aragon then looked around curiously, "well we should open it."**

**Gandalf then got out his knife and opened it. Gandalf screamed it was….. The Droid!**

"**Gandalf…." The phone said, as it was flapping its black devil wings.**

"**Wha… wha, what do you want," Gandalf then while sobbing and holding on the bed.**

**It then continued, "Do you want to meet… me in person?"**

**Gandalf gasped and screamed, " Tell me who thy is or else, I will hire a brigade to find you, don't thou doubt it foreth a second or else thy master shall die!"**

"**Negative," Droid said while firing up his lasers, "You have to catch me to find out!" Gandalf started to cry really loud and scream on the floor!**

**I stood up heroically, " No… No… I shall destroy you, because… because, I won't let you hurt my best friend and my grandpa!" Gandalf smiled and had tears in his eyes, everyone else did too and whispered Herbert.**

**Droid then responded, "Bzz buzz, let the battle initiate commence go, battle starting, I shall kill Herbert The Hobbit!"**

**Stay Tuned For Chapter 38 of ****Herbert The Hobbit****!**


	38. Chapter 38

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products except for the lovely tittielizing Herbert The Hobbit!*

" _Droid is here,_

_Coming near,_

_Bringing us fear,_

_He wants a fight,_

_Oh he'll get a fight all right…"_

Chapter 38: One For All, and All For Gandalf!

"The battle is now," I sighed to myself dramatically as I did that sexy lip rub, where you rub it to the side and like sexy and tough while doing it, usually slowly too, that's what I was doing.

Frodip ran up to me worried, "Are you sure you can take him Herbert, he has lasers you know!"

I then put my hand on his shoulder, " Yes I do but don't worry I have a plan!"

Frodo then looked up curiously and cutely, " A plan, what kind?"

I then responded casually, " Wait and you will see what." Then I stood up to the droid and it glared at me!

"I'm going to fight you," I said navally!

Droid then said, "Bzzz, no you wont!"

I then said, "Yes I will!"

Droid then said, "I will fight you!" Then it shot out a laser at me I dodged. It tried to hit me, I dodged. It tried to blow me out, I dodged! He shot another laser, it hit me!

"AHHH," I yelled.

Everyone then yelled worriedly, "Herbert!" Then all of a sudden my amulet of courage started glowing! I was transported into THE SPIRIT REALM! Everything was baby pink and yellow, I was on a cloud! Then a gorgeous man with no clothes on appeared (he had a baby pink toga skirt on so don't worry you guys!) He came up to me and started touching me I gasped softly, then he was really tan and muscley, and kissed my forehead!

I blushed and asked, "Who…who are you, you're almost as beautiful as me!"

He looked almost exactly like Fabio but hotter and he said, "Herbert it's me Marc Dior Von Furstenburg."

I gasped really loud, "Daddy!" Then we ran into a long embrace, sparkling with love, and happiness of return!

"Where's mom," I asked innocently the lighting was really soft.

My dad cuddled up against me and made me put my hand on his leg, " She's out doing things." I nodded and said oh.

Father then grabbed my head and whispered softly at me, " Oh Herbert I see you are saaad so saad, this isn't good." I turned my head away sadly and dramatically making my hair fly away.

Dad then said as he cuddled up closer, "It's about droid isn't it?"

I gasped, "Oh my god, that is so totally amazing how do you know?"

He then snapped his fingers sassily, " I've been watching through the amulet of courage."

I cried, "You've been with me the whole time," I then jumped on my daddy he held me .

Then he said, " You know Frodo is a nice guy."

I got happy, "You really think so?"

Dad then smiled, " He's the one!"

I gasped and started to cry, " Thank you dad!"

Then he said, " You're friends are being tortured right now." I gasped my dad then showed me that the droid was cornering them and laughing at them and was going to fire the lasers!

Then my dad put his hand on me, "Herbert, lie on my lap, I will give you the power you need." I lied my head on his lap and he started to sing a lullaby he sung me when I was little.

" _This song is the Herbert song,_

_Precious little baby of mine,_

_Thyself never going to do thee wrong,_

_In your eyes I see you're kind,_

_Now our hearts are so entwined,_

_No one will break this precious bond,_

_Until I stop singing the Herbert Song,_

_Thy will never do wrong,_

_Because of thiiiis never ending booooond!"_

As my dad held the high note I closed my eyes and he kissed my lips with fatherly love. When I opened my eyes I was back with Droid and everyone else!

Droid then laughed, " Ha ha ha, I'm so happy because I'm going to shoot you all," Everyone screamed in fear as droid laughed and laughed.

I then yelled heroically, " This is impossible, because you don't have feelings!"

Everyone smiled and gasped happily, "Ooooh burn," Aragon said laughing.

Droid then gasped, "Oh noooo!" I felt this strong power in me and I leaped on it.

My amulet of courage started to glow and my Father's face glowed softly and said, " LET THE LIFE IN THEE LEAVE!" The phone then started to shake and scream then a black ball of spirit energy flew out of it and out the window laughing as it went to an evil place. Then the phone was back to normal. Then all of a sudden a map appeared on it with directions!

"What's that Herbert," Pippin piped in.

Sam then said sassily, " It's obviously a map stupid." Pippin looked all rejected and we slapped Sam for being so rude.

Legolas then said dramatically, "Those are directions."

I nodded thoughtfully, " But to where?"

Merry then said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking sir?"

I stood up in a business fashion, " These must be directions to it's master."

Gandalf then gasped, 'NO WE ARE NOT GOING TO DO THIS!"

Gollum then shook Gandalf, " We have to do this mate, it's the only way!" Gandalf then slapped Gollum in the face.

Aragon then said with his eyes closed, "Leave now before sunset, it's smart!" We all nodded and started to run out of the castle.

Steven then called out to me, " Oh young sire Herbert you're leaving already I was hoping you'd spend the night!" Frodo glared at him.

I yelled back politely, "We have to do some things!"

Steven then pouted, " Like what?'

I then yelled back dramatically and energetically and everyone was looking at me hopefully and happily, "This is for the power of love and friendship!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 39 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	39. Chapter 39

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products, except for Herbert The Hobbit, but besides that notttthing!*

" _On a journey,_

_The journey are we,_

_Because of this I will never stand still,_

_Because I have an iron will,_

_No one can get in our way,_

_Cause we are the gays,_

_With a purpose,_

_So just Trust us…"_

Chapter 39: The Purpose

"Find the sexter," I sighed to myself as I was running at the speed of sound, Gandalf helps.

Gandalf then pulled me aside, " Are thee sure thy can do thou young sire?"

I nodded with my lips sticking out, "I'm sure this is for you, I will save you."

Pippin then piped in, "Herbert knows best!"

Gandalf then he nodded, " Herbert is really smart."

I blushed and said in a high pitch voice, "No I'm not."

Gandalf sat down thinking seriously, " He got a 4.0 in school and was really high in class!"

Everyone gasped, "Wow that's amazing," they all yelled.

We continued to walk through the forest. Then we went to The Tree for new clothes.

I was now wearing a white tee that said, "Love to shop" on it, with pink plaid shorts, and white sling backs, with my hair flat ironed and stuff.

Legolas blushed super hard, "Oh my god Herbert looks amazing!" Legolas was wearing a black leather tank top, with black skinny jeans, and black knee high boots.

Gandalf pecked his cheeks "you two." Gandalf was wearing a tight grey top and a pink and grey ruffle skirt.

Gimli then nodded, "You know how we do," Gimli was wearing a outfit that was black and yellow (I don't know why ha ha Gimli told me to say this!)

Aragon picked up his bows and arrows and said then, "We must leave before the west sun rises." We then left The Tree and got dressed.

Pippin then pointed and piped, " Map says this way you guys!" We went that way.

Then Legolas said, "Hey Frodo remember what I said a few days ago, about how I love you?"

Frodo gasped, "I know."

Legolas then said, "Will you go ou with me tonight?"

Frodo gasped, "I don't know maybe I'll think about it."

Sam then slapped Frodo and pulled him to the private room, " What are you saying sir Frodo!"

"Maybe I LOVE HIM," Dordo yelled.

Sam cried and gasped, "But Herbert is perfect I would kill to be with him!"

Than I ran over, "You guys I have bad news!"

Sam then grabbed me and said, "Herbert I think I love you!"

Frodo gasped, "How dare you?"

Sam then yelled and pointed at people, "You impregnanted the man you bloody ignorant fool!"

I slapped Sam everyone gasped because, I've never even hurt a fly in my life!

I cried really loud, "Don't you dare say that ever ever again Sam!"

Gandalf walked in the cave with a candle, " I knew this would happen it always does on adventures."

Gollum then sat down with his legs crossed, "Mmmm I have a story about this."

Gollum then continued, "ahh you see I had a friend on a journey and after a while of being on a journey he killed himself after he got married."

We all looked down seriously, "AGH," I yelled.

Everybody rushed over quickly, " What's wrong Herbert?"

"Im hurting everywhere, really bad," I mumbled. Everyone touched me concerned like.

Merry then ran in, "I see the castle sir!"

Gandalf then got up dramatically and looked up as the wind blew and the thunder started.

Gandalf then said dramatically with an old man voice, "I've got a baaaad feeling about this."

Pippin piped in, "We should go in!"

Gandalf put the man down, "No we shouldn't we know what we'll have coming!"

I then said dramatically as my hair blew in the wind and the thunder started, "The sexter."

Legolas put his hand on my shoulder, "Sure you can do this chap?"

I then said sexily, "Yeah."

"But there is a moat in front of the castle border we will never get in," Sam said hopelessly.

Gandalf then said nervously, "Oh then maybe we go back, this is a sign you know."

Aragon then said with a smile, "Not this time old man, nooot this time."

"Well then how will we do this," Sam asked while looking at me.

"I can help you swim in castle territory," I sexy accent purred behind a bush.

We all gasped a sexy shirtless Hispanic boy came out of the bush wearing nothing but brown leather pants!

He then said sexily as he put his finger on my lips, "The names Carlos and I can help you cross castle borders!"

Stay Tuned for Chapter 40 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	40. Chapter 40

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these products, locations, or characters, Only "My Precious" (ha ha) Herbert The Hobbit!*

" _Swimming in the moat,_

_We should've used a boat,_

_But that we wont,_

_Instead we'll get special help,_

_And that he dealt,_

_So now we must swim,_

_To the victorious win…"_

Chapter 40: Encounter for Our Ages

"Cross the border?" I sighed to myself confused at the thoughts of breaking the law, you see I like to follow rules, a lot of people call me a good citizin.

Carlos purred, "Si that is what we must do."

I moved it nervously and said, "But I'm scared what if I get caught and go to jail!"

Gimli then put his tender touch on my shoulder, " We must do this for Gandalf, we can always outrun police, and if we tell them they understand."

Then I said, "Oh." We all then took off our clothes and got in the water, My speedo was black with white bows on the side. We all went under water and swam. We got up to the entrance.

Then we heard Sam yell under water, " Help I cant swim." We were drying off but Carlos jumped in to save him. He grabbed him and put him on his back, Carlos was really strong and had muscles.

Carlos came out of the water, "Wow Carlos your back is really wet," Legolas yelled. Carlos and everyone looked and we laughed and laughed, and then we went inside. There were guards everywhere and then we talked to each other.

Then all of a sudden we heard a voice yell, "Pippin, Save me, they captured me!"

Pippin yelled, "I know that voice!" Pippin then ran off to where they capture people Legolas and Sam followed.

Then a bunch of guards ran up to us with their spears, " Hey you guys what are you doiing here?"

Gandad then yelled, " We want to get down to the bottom of this!"

A guard then said, "Prohibited your request has been denied access Gandalf were not letting you through this time!"

Gandalf then laughed, "Who says we walk." Then he took of his magic carpet, but the guard stabbed it and it broke, everyone gasped!

The Guard laughed, "Not this time Magic Man," All the guards laughed, as Gandalf was shaking because he was so mad. Then the guards looked around for a second and let us through.

As we walked away they said, "Bye Gollum!" Gollum smiled and waved back.

_Meanwhile with Pippin in Jail…_

"Oh no who is it," Pippin gasped. Then he saw…. Casey!

Sam then ran and grabbed his hand, "Casey are you okay I was worrying!"

"Pippin You came to save me," Casey yelled.

"Yes I did," Papa Pippin yelled!

"Why are you in jail," Pippin piped in.

Casey said sweetly, " I wanted to help you find the sexter for Gandalf, and I wanted to make sure you were safe." Everyone said aw and then they hugged.

Then Sam noticed something, " Hey there's a Japanese man and two Black guys in here too!" Pippin slapped Sam for being so rude.

Casey smiled in a accepting of all races way, "The Japanese guy is Kenji and the black guys are Tyrone, and Lavander."

Legolas then ran in triumphantly, " You guys I have something terrible I want to say!"

We all gasped then he said it, " Gandalf's Magic Carpet broke!"

Sam then kicked the bucket, " Oh bloody brilliant, giving me the habdabs here Legolas!"

Pippin piped in his worries, "Now how will we get out?"

Then Kenji yelled, " I got Magic Flying Carpet!"

We all gasped, Then we all ran out of Jail on our way to the others.

_Back with Herbert and Gandalf and the others…_

Legolas stand there dramatically, " Were almost there in a few steps."

Gandalf shook, "I don't want to I cant!"

Frodo then slapped him, " snap out of it old man!"

We all gasped.

Gollum then put his hand on Frodo and walked nodding his head, "Why, yes excellent work Mr. Frodo, I really like it."

Then I screamed, "AH MY STOMACH HURTS!"

Everybody gathered around me worried.

Frodo yelled, "Herbert are you okay do you need the hospital, I can call the ambulence!"

I said heroically, " No, no matter how much pain I'm in I'll always fight for Gandalf and my friends because it's the right thing to do!"

The wind blew and everyone said, "Herbert…"

Then we were at a big black and red evil looking door with a black handle, Droid led us to it and said, "Enter the perimeters buzz!" We opened the door and all that was there was big windows and there was thunder and lightening outside, a big man was looking outside with his cape on and suit.

Gandalf then stood up bravely, "Who are you, you rechid pile of scum!"

Then the man said in a deep voice, "Who am I…"

"I am.." Then the man turned around dramatically, "SAWRAMON!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 41 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	41. Chapter 41

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

* Disclaimer don't own locations, products, or characters just Herbert The Hobbit only!*

" _Here we are at the castle,_

_Causing us a hassle,_

_Sawramon wants sex relations,_

_Gandalf doesn't see the connection,_

_Time for a tussle…"_

Chapter 41: This Is The Moment

"Sawramon," I sighed to myself shocked at his face since I've seen him naked.

Sawramon banged his head and pointed dramatically at Gandalf, "You knew this was coming!"

Gandalf stood up and pointed at Sawramon dramatically, "I knew this along time ago, don't act like you were the first!"

Sawramon gritted his teeth, "Ugh!"

I then said, "Ah, oh no Gandalf is there anything I can do to help you?"

Sawramon then opened up a glowing hole that was sucking Gandalf.

"Not this time Herbert just wait for me to come back," Then Gandalf ran in the hole!

Sawramon laughed evilly, "HA HA HA YESSSSS!"

Sawramon then disappeared too, I then had my eyes opened wide with tears in them with my hands holding each other, on my knees, as the light shone on me then it didn't anymore.

_Meanwhile, with Gandalf and Swaramon…_

Gandalf gasped, "Where are we?" They were on a cloud with a shiny fountain that had water coming out of it, and there was a pool for swimming, and the cloud was soft, and there were flowers, and baby yellow stars.

Sawramon put his arm around Gandalf, "I go here to relax it's my paradise."

Gandalf gasped, "Then why am I here, YOU TRICKED ME!"

Sawramon picked up a baby flower, "Do you remember Dad?" Sawramon then looked at Gandalf like he was expecting.

Gandalf then looked down sadly, "Yes… I do."

"I miss him too," Sawramon replied.

"Of course he liked you better anyways," Gandalf yelled.

"No need to get mad Gandalf," Sawramon replied with his arms out.

Everything was silent and then it was night time because they sat for that long.

Sawramon then looked at Gandalf, "Did you get my video message?"

Gandalf then glared and yelled his come back, "No I didn't even click your gross!"

"And is that really a bad thing Gandalf," Sawramon said as he put his hand on his leg.

Gandalf stood up angrily, " I'm a wizard you know that right?" Gandalf yelled this as he got out his staff.

Sawramon stood up angrily, "Have you forgot I am also a wizard," he got out his staff too it was black with a purple ball inside. The thunder banged and Sawramon's face got dark.

"Light beam," Gandalf yelled.

"Black beam," Sawramon yelled. Then the light and the black were at the same length and sometimes the light was winning and sometime the black, it was neck and neck like in movies. Then all of a sudden it blew up and they were shot and flew. Gandalf got knocked off the cloud!

Then we see Gandalf falling on his back with his hands up "NOOOOOOO!"

Sawramon stood over laughing, "HAHA HA WHO'S DEAD NOW GANDAOF!"

_Meanwhile with Herbert…_

"Herbert were back," Then through the door came Pippin, Merry, Legolas, Sam, Kenji, Tyrone, Lavander, and Casey!

I hugged them all, "Oh my goodness you saved them Pippin Im so proud!"

Pippin smiled, "I'm so happy that your proud of me!" Pippin started to cry and me and Casey hugged him for comfort. Then everyone started hugging I looked away.

I got a drake look on my face and Frodo approached me.

"Herbert what's wrong?"

I replied as I looked in Frodo's eyes with love, "It's Gandalf, I'm scared for him I'm so worried."

Sam then came over, "Well don't be Mr. Herbert Gandalf is a big boy."

Then I grabbed my Amulet of Courage in my pocket, "Oh the things I would do for the loving touch of my dad right now."

Gollum put his hand on me, "It's my Grandpa were talking about," I yelled dramatically.

"Ah," I yelled.

Everybody then ran over, "What's wrong Herbert?"

"Gandalf's in big trouble," I screamed faintly!

Everyone gasped, "How do you know," Sam asked.

Frodo glared, "Herbert gets visions they've never been wrong, Sam stop being stupid."

Sam gasped, "Frodo…"

I then put my hands up weakly, "Yes everyone I had another vision."

I then continued, "Sawramon is on the ground with Gandalf, and he's punching him and showing things that scare him with his magic."

Legolas gasped and hugged me, "It's okay Herbert were here for you!"

Gollum put his hand on me, "It's my Grandpa were talking about," I yelled dramatically.

Aragon came around the corner dramatically, "It's a gift and a curse."

"Yes," I said as I let hair fall in my face.

Everybody held each others hand then we all formed a circle.

Casey then smiled at us all meaningfully, " For the comfort of Herbert and for the comfort of Pippin."

Pippin looked at Casey and said, "You're so nice."

Casey looked at Pippin and said, "It's because I love you!"

Everyone gasped as they hugged each other we cheered.

Gimli then looked at everyone while chewing food and yelled, "True love in the Friendship Circle you guys, True Love!"

Frodo smiled, "Good things happen when you hold hands see, we will always be best friends!"

Then everyone was talking and I just sadly looked out the window.

"Gandalf… I love you," I whispered out the window.

_Back with Gandalf and Sawramon…_

"Ahhhhhhhh," Gandalf yelled as he was falling. Then all of a sudden a magical melody started to play.

Gandalf opened his eyes and he heard my voice, "Gandalf I love you!"

Then he heard Aragon's voice say, " To me he means everything."

Then he heard everyone's voice say at the same time, "We love Gandalf with all our heart!"

Then all of a sudden Gandalf's wand started to glow pink, then he grew wings! Gandalf was then flying up with the rain falling on him all cool like, and then he landed on the cloud and it went boom, but nothing bad happened to it, just made a noise.

Sawramon gasped, "This can't be!"

Gandalf then said, "Oh yes it be!" Then Gandalf ran up with super speed and punched Sawramon with super strength!

Gandalf lifted up his wand up dramatically and yelled "Light Beam!"

Then Sawramon yelled, "Black Beam!" This time though Sawramon blew up!

"How… How you do this Gandalf," Sawramon cried dramatically.

Gandalf then said heartfully and dramatically, "I have something you don't Sawramon."

Sawramon yelled, "Oh yeah, What?"

Then Gandalf said, " Love!"

Sawramon then sat there, "….NOOOOO!"

Gandalf then continued, "See what happens?"

Sawramon then growled and made his fists, "No I have more, no one likes you!"

Gandalf then smiled, " Everyone likes me!"

Sawramon yelled, "Not for long!" Then Sawramon died he blew up and fell and died, and he was bleeding then he blew up and a big black cloud was where he was, then he died, and will never exist.

_Meanwhile with Herbert and Everyone else…_

I was walking around everywhere because I was scared, and everything hurt.

"Herbert you're getting me scared," Sam yelled!

" Everything hurts, and I love Gandalf," I yelled nervously.

Legolas looked at me like he was in love with me, "We all love Gandalf… but we love you more."

Gimli then rubbed Legolas's back, " Please cheer up Herbert, we want to see your smile, it would make us all happy."

I smiled and everyone smiled back, then at that moment Gandalf walked in!

"GANDALF," Everyone yelled excited like!

Gandalf yelled proudly, "I killed Sawramon!"

Everyone cheered but then Gandalf made his way through the crowd to me.

"I couldn't have done it without you, you are a big hero Herbert," Gandalf said as he gave me a hug and patted me back.

"Th..thanks Im so happy," I said but then right at that moment I fainted!

Everyone yelled, "Herbert!"

Frodo put his hand on me, "He's not breathing!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 42 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	42. Chapter 42

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products only my everlasting Herbert!*

" _I almost Died,_

_Frodo cried,_

_Everyone sighed,_

_Everybody's by my side,_

_Their love for me is wide…"_

Chapter 42: Day of Shock

"Where am I," I sighed to myself as a question.

Then a Orc Tender came behind a curtain, " You're at Sawramon's hospital in the castle."

"Oh," I said responsibly.

"You fainted," Pippin piped in.

Then the Orc Tender said, "And Herbert I think I'm going to tell you something bad." I gasped. Orc Tender then said, "While you were asleep I looked at your Uterus."

Then Orc Tender said, "Herbert your baby died!"

Everyone gasped, I cried, and so did Gandalf he put his head on my abs.

Then Gollum rushed in, "We must leave before the sunsets hurry we only have 5 hours to leave!"

Then Gollum looked at me soberly, " Oh but I see some problems, Herbert you made me sad, become happy soon." Gollum then walked away while rubbing the ring evilly on his finger, (We gave the ring to Gollum because Frodo was busy fighting before.)

Frodo then sobbed at the Orc Doctor, "Why did this have to happen to Herbert he doesn't deserve this!"

The Orc Doctor looked at his clipboard, " Its because he worries too much… about all of you, he just cares too much he needs to stop it's a serious problem."

I then said dramatically, "No I'm okay you guys don't worry about me please!"

Gandalf laid me down in the bed, "No…. don't YOU worry about us Herbert." I gasped and he smiled with twinkles of caring and knowledge in his eyes.

"But," I started to argue with Gandalf, which I don't usually do but it was different this time.

"Shhh," Gandalf said as he smiled mischievously at me. We all laughed and laughed. Then Sam left the room darkly with depressed eyes while looking down, and had hands in his pockets, and flipped his hair as he looked at me helplessly such as loneliness. Sam punched the wall really hard and yelled, (he wasn't in the same room as us.)

"Yo, you sad," A mysterious yet so familiar, deep sexy voice asked. Sam turned around it was…..Gimli!

Sam gasped, "How did you get here?"

Gimli smiled innocently, "I followed you here."

"EW," Sam yelled then he started to walk away again.

"I remember back in the day when I was sad," Gimli said rubbing his suspenders.

Sam looked back and glared, "Yeah right since when, you're just a idiotic dwarf, nobody understands my sadness, its too deep!"

Gimli then put his hands on Sam's shoulder, "Is it about Herbert?"

Same then shovede Gimli off him and yelled, "YEAH EVERYONE WOULD LOVE ME TOO IF I WAS PREGNANT!" Gimli gasped and slapped Sam in the face dramatically. Sam touched his own face dramatically and betrayed.

Sam gasped as his lip was bleeding blood, "Why did you slap me?" Gimli didn't answer though he just stood there hands in his pocket looking to the side and down. Then the wind blew, (A/N In the middle ages they didn't have glass windows just holes in the walls, so wind can blow in doors.)

Sam yelled again spitting blood, "Why did you slap me?"

Gimli then started to yell back, "Because… Because…" Then Gimli kissed Sam on the lips!

"Because I just want you to be happy," Gimli said dramatically, "I LOVE YOU!"

Then Frodo came out and said, "This is about the ring isn't it?"

Sam gasped, "Frodo it isn't what you think he made me kiss him!"

"No don't you see I do these because I love you Sammy," Gimli said.

Frodo took out his sword and pointed it at Gimli, "Don't you ever call him that ever again!"

Gimli took his hand and shoved the sword and shoved it, "Oh yeah?"

Sam then cried and yelled at the same time, "Sammy was Frodo's nickname for me!"

Gimli then backed down, "Oh I see carry on."

"Sammy, I see dark forces in your heart," Frodo said as he grabbed his chin and you could see his breath because it got cold, Frodo had baby blue eyes.

Sam then said dramatically, "This is about The Ring isn't it?"

Frodo then whimpered sensitively, "to rule them all." Then me and all the other warriors popped out of the hospital in the castle. I changed my clothes I had a plaid tank top on with a blue bow in the middle, white shorts, and bejeweled sandals, my hair was curly.

"Hey Herbert you ready to go," Sam stuttered.

I nodded, Casey and Pippin held hands. Gollum came out with the ring around his neck in necklace form we climbed up to the top of the tower so we could fly away.

"Kenji you said you have a carpet," Legolas said navally.

Kenji then said panicked, "Ah yes I have carpet!"

Gandalf pushed Kenji away from the carpet playfully, "Out of the way little man." Kenji giggled, as Gandalf worked his magic in the carpet, then the carpet became magical.

Gandalf looked up bravely as he hopped on, "Everyone hop on!" Everyone did.

Merry then asked, "Where's Lavandar?"

Kenji answered, "Right there."

Merry flicked Kenji, "No silly that's Tyrone."

"Oh sorry cannot seeeeeee the difference," Kenji giggled. We all laughed and laughed, especially Casey because he is racist, but we love him anyways.

Gollum then snarled and looked up and yelled, "ENOUGH! Of this tomfoolery lets just go to Moudor hurry!"

Gandalf flew us out, and as I looked at Gollum's face his eyes were glowing red!

Gollum then growled, "Make a right!" We all looked suspicious.

Aragon snarled at him, "What are you up to now you little Snyder?"

"Shut up," Gollum yelled as he pushed him over. We all gasped in shock and fear and worry.

Gollum then slowly stood up with his fist up, "Aragon you are useless, if you want to die then say something mean to me okay?" We all looked shocked. Gollum used to be such a nice guy, but now he was being mean and threatening Aragon. Then we approached a fancy looking mansion that was all gold and pink, with fancy gates in front!

"Stop here," Gollum said with his head on Gandalf's shoulder. Gandalf landed and we all hopped off his.

Then all of a sudden we heard a voice, "Oh hello Herbert… I've been waiting for you!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 43 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	43. Chapter 43

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, products, or locations except for The Herbert The Hobbit!*

"_After the fight,_

_Comes a long night,_

_The man unknown,_

_Invites me in his home,_

_I want shelter but,_

_I'm afraid he's just after my butt…"_

Chapter 43: All Night Long.

"Who," I sighed to myself as I heard a man call my name. His mansion was very pretty and reminded me of fashion and other fashionable things, It was pink and gold, it was probably very expensive, even if he built it, because he'd still have to paint it.

The man then spoke again, "My name starts with a D…"

Gandalf then gasped, " Well my, my, my who's the young chap here?" We all looked up.

"Denethor, you spanky dog you, I haven't heard from you in like forever," Gandalf giggled as he gave his friend a buddy hug.

"You were my best friend Gandalf the brave," Denethor shoulder spoke in Gandalf. Denethor was a tall man with long blonde hair, and pale skin like a doll, he was wearing gold medevil robes, and boots.

Gandalf then said with a wink, "Wow young man almost as tall as me now."

Denethor nodded with old time intelligence, "this is very funny because we are both old."

Gandalf laughed manly, "Not if I do first!"

Denethor put him in a head lock, "Oh you little scally wag!" Denethor then looked up seductively.

"Oh who's the young hot thing over here," Denethor said as he strutted over at me swiveling his hips flintily. Denethor pulled my hair and kissed it and stared at me and my body.

"Oh Herbert Dior Von Furstenburg your even more beautiful in person," Denethor whispered in a sexy rebel sort of way.

I gasped, "How do you know who I am?"

"You're a model honey, A SUPER MODEL," Denethor said in a no duh voice. I felt so silly I always feel so embarrassed whenever someone says I'm a super model, because I am a super model but yet I'm so down to earth.

Denethor then skipped over to his door and bowed and twirled his arm, "Well make yourself at home boys," he checked us out as we walked in, he was a king. The House was all gold and pink, the chandalier was big, and the floor was tile.

I was walking around, "This house is okay."

Denethor grabbed my hand and commanded, "Come."

I did and I said, "Yeah."

Denethor, "I thought of you and made you tea."

"I'm allergic," Pippin piped in.

Denethor hissed and yelled, "No one cares Pippin!"

We all gasped, "Denethor, where's your manners," Gandalf asked suspiciously. Denethor looked up evilly and licked his lips like a snake. We all got scared, except for Gollum, but he's now evil so were watching him.

"This is the guest bedroom," Denethor said while pointing at a room all the beds were double beds, and everything was pink and gold.

"You'll all have to sleep together," Denethor winked, "I installed special cameras in here so don't steal things."

Merry shoved him against the wall, "Yeah right, why should we believe you, you just want to see us naked!"

Denethor glowed with slight evil energy and shoved Merry to the ground and said dramatically, "I can see you naked whenever I want." Merry gasped as Denethor laughed evilly and exited the room. It was night time so we all changed into our pajamas, mine were silk with grey and black hearts on them and the background was cream. Frodo wore a long red top that was long and short at the same time with nothing else underneath.

"You two going to have sex," Sam asked jealously.

Frodo looked at him catty, "No we are not Sam were both virgins, and I'll have you know Herbert is a little bit afraid of it." I blushed Frodo always defends me so bravely, he was definitely my soul mate, and he looked so hot with his hair slicked back like it was right now. Then all of a sudden Denethog stumbled in.

"Everyone better be asleep next time I come in here," Denethor hissed as he slammed the door and yelled royally. We all fell asleep, Frodo and I cuddled.

Then at midnight someone whispered in my ear, "Hey Herbert you still awake?" I turned around it was….. DENETHOR!

I gapped, "What are doing here?"

Denethor then rubbed my hair, " I want you to come up to my room, I want to talk to you about some things."

I said "Okay." Then we went up to his room.

Denethor drank the wine and ribbled down his face, "Tough times with economy Herbert."

I said, "Yeah."

Then Denethor said, "Have you thought about your plans on how to improve it?"

I said, "Yes."

Denethor laughed, "I'm almost broke in the kingdom!" We all laughed.

I then said, "Well I'm rich!" Denethor showed his teeth madly.

Denethor then put down his glass and walked over to me sexily, "Has anyone told you that you look just like your dad?"

I then jumped up angrily and suspiciously, "No why?"

Denethor whispered in my hair, "Well you see me and your dad were verrrry close."

I was starting to get angry which was very rare for me because I'm so peaceful, "Oh yeah, how close?"

Denethor got a perverted smile on his face, "We had sex!"

I pushed Denethor away madly, "DON'T YOU DARE HAVE SEX WITH MY FATHER!"

Denethor then said sassily," Your dad's DEAD!" I fell to the ground sobbing, I loved my dad how dare he die, stupid government scum! Denethor laughed. Then Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Aragon, and Gollum ran in.

Gandalf was out of breath and touched me, "Herbert my boy what's wrong?"

Denethor then said sassily, "Well I guess I'll be going now leave you boys alooone."

Then as he was almost out the door he added, "By the way Herbert, I heard your baby died!" I sobbed harder, and Denethor laughed, Gimli lost his temper and kicked the door.

"Now now Gimli don't lose your temper," Sam whispered comfortingly to him.

Gimli made salvia noises, "Yeah, yeah I know that just he made fun of Herbert."

Sam then whispered to him sadly, "Well stop caring so much."

Gimli then grabbed his beard and held Sam up against a wall, "Now listen to me boy, I can care… about whoever I want to care."

Sam then cried softly, "I thought you only cared about me." Gimli nodded and mumbled to himself then walked off.

Then all of a sudden Pippin piped in a yell, "Hey you guys look!" We all ran over to see an army of Orcs!

"It's an army of Orcs," Legolas said with his hair blowing. Everyone else saw just Orcs but when I looked I saw…LARON WITH HIS ORCS AND SOLDIERS!

Stay Tuned for Chapter 44 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	44. Chapter 44

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these products, locations, or characters, Herbert the Hobbit!*

"_Elrond's coming,_

_Everyone is running,_

_It's my fault,_

_Must make him hault,_

_He must think I'm hot,_

_I'll show him all I got…"_

Chapter 44: Come Here, I Want to Show You Something…

"Does he want me," I sighed to myself worried about my body.

Denethor put his hand on me, "He's after my castle." We all gasped.

"Why your castle like isn't cool or anything," Sam said.

Merry bopped him on the head, "He doesn't know that!" Then all of a sudden Elrond knocked the door.

"It's me Elrond let me in," Elrond yelled.

Denethor said, "No!"

Elrond said, "Let me in!"

Denethor said, "No!"

Elrond asked, "Why not?"

Denethor said, "I don't like you anymore!"

Elrond laughed, "You're a baby!"

Denethor yelled, "No!"

Elrond laughed, "We all know my kingdom is better than yours!"

Denethor then replied, "That's not what Herbert said!"

Elrond then asked smartly, "Oh really Herbert what did you say?"

I then said nervously, "Maybe."

Elrond then punched the door and yelled, "DARN IT!"

Denethor laughed some victory and chipped, "Come on boys, lets leave those losers alone!" We started to walk away and talk about each other, love and fashion, when all of a sudden we heard big bang! We turned around we saw… El'rond, the Orcs and his soldiers!

"Masteeer what should we do now," A soldier asked Elrond.

"I think," Elrond started to laugh, "We should take over this castle!"

"Oh no," Denethor yelled.

Elrond giggled at him, "Did you think our friendship was real Denethor, how immature?"

Denthor yelled, "You- you're the fakest bitch I know!"

Elrond then walked up to him and put his finger on his chin, "No, I'm the BADDEST!" We then ran up stairs with Denethor.

Elrond then yelled as we ran, "There's a traitor among you Denethor, me and him are very close!" We slammed the door behind us panicked.

"Oh no what should we do," Pippin piped in.

"I should go down and show them my magic powers," Gandalf yelled.

"Don't be stupid," Denethor yelled.

"Nobody would respect an old man like you, they'd just want to kill you," Denethor said meanly. Gandalf sat in a corner sad.

Frodo then put his hand on Denethor's shoulder, " I don't think that was very nice."

Denethor then pushed him away, "Oh yeah, well I think you and Herbert are gay!"

I gasped, "Gay shouldn't be used as an insult ever, there are some kids in school that get called gay and they kill themselves sometimes, and it's not nice, they should know it gets better, it's like me calling you a 'guy who owns a kingdom', see that's not nice!"

Denethor rolled his eyes, "Ugh homos."

Sam ran after him and tried to punch him, "Why you!" Denethor put on protection around him, Sam got thrown back with the wind!

"Why should I, one of you might be a traitor, and you guys like men, why should I be your partner," Denethor said nastily yet classily.

Aragon looked understanding, "I understand you're a homophobe, I used to be one too, but then I met someone…"

Denethor yelled, " EW, get away from me gay boy!" We sighed in a some people aren't nice sort of way. We all then sat there while Denethor called the soldiers to fight other soldiers who were located downstairs. The soldiers obeyed of course and said roger, which means the war is beginning downstairs, I thought I could help but they told me no, because of detective reasons.

Denethor then started to say something calmly, "So Gandalf… I see you're very old." Gollum laughed.

Gandalf then replied, "Silence you fool, Gollum, Yes I am old."

Denethor then paced the room in a calm detective way like they do in movies, "Ah, yes and did you know Elrond's old too?"

Legolas then jumped in defensivly, "What is this getting off!"

Denethor then yelled, "Silence you Snider!"

Gandalf then said, "Yes."

Denethor then said, "ARE YOU GUYS BY ANY CHANCE DATING AND YOU JUST WANT TO DESTROY MY KINGDOM!"

Gandalf gasped and calmly said, "I'll have you know I'm dating Michael Anderson!" Denethor then let him go. Gandalf continued in a fabulous voice, "He bought me some Skechers the other day, LOVE them." Denethor dramatically grabbed his own chin.

Deenthor then said dramatically, "I like your alibi, and its accurate too." We all silently celebrated.

Then all of a sudden we heard Elrond, "Come down, Come down Sir Denethor, I have a surprise for you." We all marched down to where he was, nobally. We then saw him.

Elrond then laughed, "Oh hello there sires, hellloo!"

"You can shut your mouth," Gandalf yelled.

Elrond laughed then paused seriously, "I killed half your army Denethor."

"Noooooooo," Denethor yelled!

Elrond then laughed, "Come out young prophecy come out my prophet!" Then Gollum walked over dramatically to Elrond they hugged and we gasped!

Gollum then yelled, "HA HA I was traitor I took your ring, and now I shall kill Herbert the Hobbit!"

Stay Tuned for Chapter 45 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	45. Chapter 45

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*I don't own any of these products, locations, or characters, except for my precious careful HERBERT THE HOBBIT!*

" _Denethore, _

_Is a whore,_

_Why you bugging me,_

_You have STD's,_

_Stupid Slut,_

_I'll kick your butt."_

Chapter 46: Where the Red Fire Burns: Dangerous and Sexy

"Another war," I sighed to myself sadly because it seems like everyone likes killing people.

Denethor put his hand on me in a loving I'm your father sort of way, "Be brave young Herbert."

Then my chestnuts sparkled as my tears stremed gallantly, "But I just cant hurt anyone even if they are evil!"

Denethor smiled at me with love and said, "I'll leave you alone… alone with just your heart." I felt all warm inside knowing that so many people love me, I just don't know why too! Denethor shut me, and the rose light shined on me and door looked like a cottage out of a fairy tale. Then the light in my heart started to glow! Then all of a sudden a woman figure started to appear it was….. LEIA!

Leia was wearing a white hooded robe and pointed at me with the holograms, " Herrrberttt!"

I yelled, "Leia!"

"It seems you've forgotten you're the chosen one," Leia said tearfully.

Then I said, "No I haven't!"

"You can do this Herbert stick with me," Leia showed me her teeth madly.

"I want to save everyone," I said loyally.

Lea said, "I have a message from your parents!"

I gasped arrogantly, "Can I see it?"

"Affirmitive," Leia said like a princess. Then all of a sudden a hologram of my parents appeared!

"MOM DAD," I yelled with sparkling happiness.

My mom paused, "Herbert, it is I Dolce Dior Von Furstenburg, I love you son!"

Then I said, " Oh you guys look so good!"

Then my dad appeared, "Herrrbert you should know about the prophecy!"

I then said sadly, "Yeah I do, I just… I just can't commit so many violence!"

Then my dad said seriously and turned his head, "Look to your heart Herbert, your heart never tells lies." I grabbed my heart softly and dramatically as my parents looked at each other proudly.

Then I got confused, "But you had S-E-X with Denethor!"

My dad paniced, "Shhhhh don't worry, he told you that? How dare he!" My mom started to cry.

Then she said, " just remember to keep him in your pocket you might find him useful."

My dad then said, "Yes my acorn will glow when its ready to unleash its power." I gasped then my parents disappeared!

Then all of a sudden I heard pounding at the door!

"Ha ha I'm going to get you Herbert," Laron's evil voice yelled pervertedly.

Then I yelled, "No, never!" But it was too late Gollum already kicked down the door! Gollum was glowing red and floating.

Elrond put on his ancient power beads, "Well well well HERBERT, I guess someone misses his daddy!" Frodo ran out from hiding and stabbed him with his knife!

Elrond, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Me and Frodo ran.

Gollum jumped on Elrond, "Master ith hurt master needith my help!"

Then a voice appeared over the megaphone, "Herbert the Hobbit please report to Denethor's room," It was a servant! I ran up loyally with my boy friend Frodo. I opened the door everything was black with old time charms.

Denethor spun around in his chair, "Sit madam." We did.

Denethor than yelled and pointed at Frodo, "Your Boy friend can wait outside!" Frodo did we didn't want to argue because Denethor was known for executing people.

Denethor giggled excitedly as he grabbed my hand, "So Herbert I heard you talking to your Dad!"

I gasped, "Don't you dare bring him into this!"

Denethor pinned me to a wall angrily, "What did you talk about what did you tell him!"

I gasped, "Never!"

"Was it about sex, was it about me," Denethor said angrily while scowling at his knives.

"No pervert," I yelled delicately.

Denethor grabbed a knife as his eyes glew red, "TELL ME NOW!" I gasped I never saw something so evil in my life, I was a very sheltered child, But then I realized something…. HE WAS WEARING THE RING!

Then all of a sudden Sam kicked down the door, Denethor turned around dramatically and business like.

"Sir, I found a traitor," Sam said responsibly.

Denethor then said, "A war soldier?"

"Yes," Sam said. Sam then pulled out….. Gollum he was in handcuffs and was shirtless with a underwear!

Gollum was growling, " Traitor they is us, oh misa scared, I'll get out of this thou'll see fat boy!"

"This isn't fun and games little man," Sam said as he made him crawl on the floor sadly. Then I noticed something shocking, GOLLUM HAD THE RING IN HIS HANDS!

"No, stop," I yelled, Sam then let go because he got scared.

"Noooo not you," I yelled at Sam toughly, Sam shrugged stupidly.

Goullm laughed meanly, "Ha ha ha, I knew all along that I could beat you."

Then I said, "I'm going to steal the ring from you!" Then Gollum took it and swallowed!

Frodo then ran out from his hiding space, "Noooooo, Gandalf gave me that ring!" Gollum then started glowing red and levitating, and broke free from his chains, we all gasped.

Gollum then growled evilly, his voice deeper than usual, "Thou thought thou could stop me?"

Denethor then choked sickly, "No we thought we could save."

"Shut up," Gollum yelled deeply as he interrupted Denethor.

Sam then said in a what are you thinking sort of way, "Don't you care?"

Then Gollum said, "I don't care!"

I then said, "But what about…"

Gollum interrupted again, "That was just politics don't seem so loving!"

We all gasped I shed a lonely tear.

Gollum then said, "With this ring….. I SHALL RULE THE WORLD!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 46 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	46. Chapter 46

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of the characters, locations, or products, except for Herbert The Hobbit, Only mine!*

"_The man of evil,_

_Has upheavel,_

_Uncovered his cover,_

_Never will be my lover,_

_Learned he was frontin,_

_Left me gruntin'…"_

Chapter 46: Why it's Growing.

"Where am I," I sighed to myself as I looked around tittlated. Then all of a sudden a Orc nurse appeared.

The doctor said, "Oh Herbert all that happened last time was a dream, none of it happened." I sighed of relief, I was worried that my powers faded, or that I had s-e-x with Elrond. Then all of a sudden the door opened in came, Sam, Frodo, Gandalf, Pippin, Gollum, Aragon, Legolas, and Gimli. They were all carrying Merry on their shoulders while screaming happily!

Frodo ran up to me, "Herbert did you hear we won the war, all thanks to Merry!" Merry cockily cackled. I turned around and pouted slightly, if only I was awake to have saved the day.

Merry then said sassily, "Hey Herrbert aren't you going to congratulate me?"

Gandalf then ran over to defend me, "He doesn't have to do that!"

Then the doctor said heroically, "he fainted because he saw his parents in a vision." Everyone gasped.

Gandalf then whispered dramatically, "Your father…"

Aragon looked at Gandalf lovingly, "It's okay father."

Gandalf screamed, "No, no it's not okay WHERE IS HE?"

I then said sadly, "I don't know."

"Why you little," Gandalf yelled as he tried to punch me, I put up a force field that shocked his hand!

Gandalf screamed, "AH!"

Legolas slapped him, "He's dead old man!"

Gandalf looked tearfully, "No it's not true!" But then I looked closely…His eyes were glowing red!

Pippin piped in panicked, "Gandalf has the ring!" Everybody started to scream, Gollum grabbed it away from Gandalf quickly. Then Gandalf fell to the floor!

Gollum crawled up to me loyally, "The ring your majesty."

I said, "Oh yeah, thanks."

Then Sam said dramatically, "Okay this is it we have to go."

Then Gimi said dramatically, "The fires of Mount Doom are calling to me!" Gimli had red hair, and was holding an axe, he was pretty enough to be a model, well not a commercial model but, an editorial model because he had a unique look. We then headed out of Denethor's castle because we had better things to do. We walked over to a porta potty (that's what the high class in midevil times used), and we changed our clothes, I was wearing a long leopard tunic, with a silver sequined belt, with light beige jeggings underneath, and brown open toe wedged sandals. Also my hair was straight and parted to the left.

"Wow Herbert you look… magical," My boyfriend Frodo said shyly, he was a very loyal boyfriend, and also a loyal best friend, he was wearing a red velvet suit. I nodded excitedly and I couldn't stop, I started to drool!

Aragon said sacredly, "Herbert you're holding the ring!" I gasped and put it in my pocket responsibly.

I said, "Oh I was just holding it."

Frodo then said, "I think I'll make it a necklace and put it on my neck." Everyone nodded except for me I started to cry!

"What's wrong Herbert," Pippin piped in. I sobbed and ran off to a corner, Frodo ran over. I was crying beautifully my hands were covering my eyes then I uncovered them slowly and softly, uncovering an innocent heart broken face of mine.

"Herbert what's wrong," My boyfriend (Frodo), said protectively.

I closed my eyes, "It's just."

My boyfriend put his arms around me, " Everyone's worried."

I then screamed, "I'm just so depressed!"

Frodo gasped, "Is this because a baby died in your stomach!"

I then cried, "Yes I'm just so stupid."

Gandalf then hugged me , "No it's just because you worry about others too much you're too caring."

"You really think so," I said.

Frodo said, "Yes sweetie." We hugged lovingly and he kissed my hand, Sam glared jealously.

_Meanwhile with Legolas and the others…_

"I'm just so worried about Herbert," Legolas worryingly said lovingly. Everyone gathered around and nodded.

Gimli then said, "For real, I think he's going through depression cause of stress."

Pippin then piped in, "A lot of people in the world have it you just have to look, and comfort them." They all nodded lovingly.

Sam then said mysteriously, "Do you think he'll be able to… do it?"

Aragon slapped Ssam really hard, "OF COURSE DON'T YOU KNOW HE'S THE CHOSEN ONE.. OOPS!"

Sam then looked at Aragon like a sneaky rat, "He's the what?" No one else heard what Aragon yelled, everyone started to look over.

Sam then said like a traitor, "You hear that everyone Aragon has a secret, yeahhh a secret only he knows." Everyone gasped, because they wanted to know my secrets, I was scared at first but I trust my good friend Aragon, I've known him for years, he's part of my family.

Gollum then got in Aragon's face evilly, "Oh yeah pretty boy, have a secret eh, wanna share this secret boy?" Aragon closed his eyes and gulped hard because he was scared of Gollum. Then all of a sudden me and Frodo came back, I was done crying Frodo comforts me when I'm sad.

Sam then looked at me seriously, "Aragon is selling secrets about you!"

I looked over and gasped, "Oh my god, really Aragon like what!"

Sam then started to speak but then I got a call on my phone! I answered it.

I said, "Hello?"

Then a mysterious sexy voice said, "Hey, Herbert long time no see."

I said, "Who is this?"

Then the mysterious sexy voice said, "You know who it is."

I said, "No I know what you want!"

Then the mysterious sexy voice slithered, "Wanna come over to my house babe?"

I yelled, "No!"

Then the sexy man said, "NO, you have to, this is what's needed! I was about to give a clever comeback but he hung up, everyone looked at me worriedly.

Gandalf rubbed my hair worriedly, "Sir Herbert what was that?"

I then turned my head dramatically and my hair flew everywhere I grabbed my amulet of courage ignorantly.

I then said dramatically, " Politics Gandalf, something your stupid little mind wouldn't understand."

Stay Tuned for Chapter 47 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	47. Chapter 47

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of the characters, locations or products except for Herbert and some other things.*

"_Going on adventures,_

_Is better than lectures,_

_Lectures are no fun,_

_Rather be in the sun, _

_I am a beauty,_

_Why you lecturing me,_

_Get out of my way,_

_Too fabulous to stay…"_

Chapter 47: Shadow Of Evil Intentions

"Who was that," I sighed to myself childishly. My amulet of courage started to glow but I ignored it, couldn't have THAT happen again.

Frodo then looked at me worriedly, "Your dad," he asked because my dad talks to me through the amulet of courage's services.

"Aw Shut it Frop," Gimli said as he spit on the ground like an athlete.

Frodo then walked to a dark corner of a cave as light went on his face rendering his face soft and cute, "What did you want me to say?"

Aragon looked at him beautifully, "Spoke from your heart."

Frodo turned his head dramatically, "Herbert I care about you."

I softly gasped, "I know Frodo, I know." Everyone smiled darkly, we were in tough times and everyone was sad. I lost my baby, I killed a man in the name of justice, and we were close to Mourdor. Yes, very dark. Because of how urgent and scary everything was, me and the boys, decided to sit down and talk, which we do often. We all sit in a circle, face each other and talk.

I said, "I'm just so stressed and sad."

Gandalf then said, "Remember how you got pregnant and lost the baby?"

Then I sobbed, "Yes I do, I'm so worthless!"

Legolas then said, "No Herbert No don't be saying things like thee things ye be saying."

I then turned my head stubbornly, "Yes I do I suck."

Legolas's voice then sounded raspy right as the bonfire burned and everyone looked sensitively, "You're a hero Herbert, a hero!"

Pippin then grabbed my chin gentely, "Herbert you're amazing, and everyone loves you, when will you ever see that?" I sniffled because, I felt slightly cold. Frodo took off his blanket and put it on me! I gasped people smiled at us, because they then remembered that love still exists in this world, it was pretty cool.

Gollum then ran up to us panicked, "Oh my god you guys the bad guys found us!" We all stood up in action.

Merry then said idiotically, "Oh no what if they know where were going?"

Then I yelled dramatically for the troops, "Next stop to Mouuuuurdddooor!" Everyone cheered and shook their weapons up in the air loyally. The orcs started to chase us, they found us! We all hid behind a tree, I kissed Frodo for the first time! It felt amazing and magical because I'm pretty I found my Prince Charming.

Denethor looked out his window, "Stop kissing, the Orcs are watching!"

We all turned around and put our hands up shocked. The orcs all laughed and made head cutting off motions with their hands. Then I hugged Frodo because he was crying, I'm known for being a hero!

"I'm out of here GANDALF," said. Sam pushed him as ran.

I then said, "I'm worried about my grandpa."

"Too bad were going to RAPE AND KILL him anyways," The Orcs said at the same time laughing hysterically.

Then Legolas said dramatically with a hair flip, "You wouldn't nobody wants to have sex with Gandalf!"

Then Sam said disgustingly, "I would." We all then took Sam's head and smashed it against a stone wall, (A/N: I got a puppy and I named it Sam!)

"Orcs oh well, we still will and you cant stop us," Orcs said.

_Meanwhile with Gandalf…_

"OH IM SO SAD AND LONELY," Gandalf yelled sadly. Gandalf sadly was braiding his hair (beard). He does that when he's depressed a lot, it reminds him of his dad.

"I like doing this it reminds me of my dad, he always braided MY hair," Gandalf was talking to himself sadly. Then the man started to cry.

"Im so depressed without Herbert around!" Gandalf sobbed.

Gandalf, " Did you know he rejected me for Frodo?"

"Yes," said.

Then all of a sudden I walked in!

"Herbert," Gandalf said all jolly and stuff. Then all of a sudden I put my finger to my mouth and did the "shh" thing. I did a sexy pout and flipped my hair sexily.

I then mourned erotically, "Let me kiss you big daddy!"

"But I'm not your dad," Gandalf gasped he was shocked. I winked at him cutely.

Gandalf gasped, "But I'm a virgin!"

Then I said, "Hey big daddy want to have sex?"

"Herbert I'm not your dad," Gandalf said madly. I, Herbert then winked and blew him a kiss.

Gandalf then pushed away dramatically and blew his own hair, "Aragon is my son!"

"Doesn't mean you can't have sex with me too," I said sassily.

Gandalf ran out of the cave to others and was yelling, "Herrrrrrrberrrrrt!" Everybody turned around shocked.

Then I said, "Yes?"

Gandalf then said, "What, what are you doing here you were seducing me to have intimacy with you!"

I gasped, "But I'm a virgin!"

Then Merry said forgettable things, "Yeah, you were telling me to take off my clothes 30 minutes ago."

I gasped, "Was not!"

Frodo then said innocently, "Hey now this doesn't sound right you guys Herbert is very nice, and sexually shy."

Gimly had his hand on his chin then quickly moved it once people saw, "Your right, Herbert's a nice man!" Then all of a sudden a seductive purple fog appeared and everyone was knocked almost unconscious.

Then a sexy surfer voice appeared out of nowhere and yelled, "That's because… I'm Herbert's Evil Twin!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 48 Of Herbert The Hobbit!


	48. Chapter 48

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products just the magnifico Herbert!*

"_Sexual Tension,_

_You should be given suspension,_

_Somehow my twin, _

_He commits sins,_

_The Sexual kind,_

_Gotta get him out of my mind…"_

Chapter 48: Twinsies

"I have a twin," I sighed to myself lovingly as I was rubbing my pecs, Gandalf walked up.

"Yes, yes your parents did this," Gandalf said then added, "They are MY children you know."

I gasped, "They did this?"

Aragon nodded, "At the same time."

Then my evil twin said, "yeah we were like really close."

I ran up and grabbed his silk slick button up, "Don't you dare say that I never met them!" The wind then blew dramatically and everyone was quiet.

Then my evil twin said, "I have a mansion, Its really big, do you guys want to stay the night?"

We all said, "Okay." We all looked at each other nervous and unsure it was slightly scary, I didn't think so though Im good in stressful situations. We went into his masion, he was there! He opened the door evilly.

I gasped, he had on white skinny jeans, an unbuttoned white shirt with pink feathers on it, he had long blonde hair like me, he had a white fedora hat on sideways, his face looked a lot like mine (except he also looks a lot like Max from TMZ).

He did one eyebrow up, "Come on in my lovelies!" We came in then he smiled with mischief at the outside, then closed the door dramatically!

Pippin said sapply, " Wow this house so designer!"

Then Legolas laughed and winked, "It is trust me I know my stuff!"

Sam then said sassily, "Yeah, yeah the fashion degree, we all know, all I know is this gives me the beejillys."

Then my evil twin put his head on his shoulder, "Darrling I can hear you." Sam gulped nervously and blushed, probably because he looks a lot like me.

Gandalf smacked him, "Keep your pants on young one."

"Who wants to see my kitchennnnn," Evil twin asked. Everyone followed happily. I was suspicious. No one else was though shame.

I was looking around and I saw a secret door! I looked, opened, went in.

I looked and said, " I think this is a basement!" Then I looked some more and realized there are more then meets the eyes. There were chains and cages!

Then I said dramatically to myself, "This is no basement it's a… dungeon!" Then all of a sudden someone was breathing on my neck!

"Need any assisstenccce," My evil twin said with a romantic lisp.

I looked heroically into my literal self reflection, "No, I was just investigating."

Then all of a sudden the handsome man grabbed me, "Your being sent to the guest ROOOM!" Then all of a sudden we were transported to the guest room, he must have powers too, (I also have powers). He then laughed and closed the door! Then all of a sudden my boys rushed in! It was Frodo, Sam, Pippin, Merry, Gandalf, Aragon, Legolas, and Gimli!

Frodo then gave me a big sweet embrace, "Oh my god are you okay?"

Then said, "We saw what happened we were so worried!"

I said warmly, "I know!"

"Did he touch you in bad places," Aragon said investigative.

Gandalf then shoved away the curious ones, "That's his brother DARN IT!" Everyone gasped and looked shocked.

Gandalf then looked meaningfully, "And brothers don't molest their brothers."

Aragon slapped him, "it's a new world old man, open your eyes stupid!" Gandalf touched his cheek and hair was in his face, moved to show his new facial bruise!

Then our door opened to reveal the breezy wind, it was very cold. Then we saw…. My twin! He changed his clothes he was wearing his dinner wear.

Frodo then said dreamily, "Wow you look… fantastic."

My twin flipped his hair sexily, "lets have dinner everyone!"

I looked at the table there was gourmet food, gourmet wine (I don't drink though its bad for you), and gourmet cake pops.

We all sat. Then my twin was banging the wine glasses with a spoon, "Everyone Everyonnne, Its time for a toast." Sam curtseed.

Then my twin said, "A true dinner for royalty am I right?"

Gandalf smiled and nodded a twinkly smile.

"Life is so great when your rich, I don't know how annnnnyone can live poor," My twin said with a twirl.

Then Gandalf said shocked, "Max, there are peasents at the table," he pointed at Frodo.

I stood up loyally, "Just so you know I love poor people!"

My brother laughed, "ha ha my brother is a comedy man!" Everyone laughed, except for the poor people.

I yelled dramatically in a way that made my hair bounce, "You are not my BROTHER!"

My twin grabbed my hand in a graceful way, "But we are wealthy sweet one."

"But Frodo is my lover," I yelled dramatically.

"Oh my heart," Gandalf yelled while grabbing his heart, (old people are weak).

He walked back to his dining room throne, "GROSS!"

I stubbornly pouted my lips and said, "Im going to investigate!"

My brother then yelled, "NOOOOOOO!" I ran to the basement dramatically and locked the door, I heard him banging.

Then all of a sudden I heard a soft manly cry in the room, I turned on the light. Then all of a sudden I saw a cute blonde boy…. LOCKED IN A CAGE!

He had slightly long blonde hair, looked anorexic, he had on a little white tank top dress, and had no shoes… he was a prisoner!

I ran to the cage, "Oh my gosh, are you okay?"

The cute boy then said, "No I'm a prisoner!"

I gasped, "My brother?"

He said, "Yes!"

Then he said, " Yes because of the evil dark lord Sauron!"

I gasped, "I will save you!" He smiled a sad smile, it was happy though.

Then I said dramatically with my hands on his chin, "What's your name?"

He then said sacredly kind of worried because I look like my twin, "My… my name is Rosie."

Then I stood dramatically, "Don't worry Rosie, I'll save you and DEFEAT SAURON!"

Stay Tuned for Chapter 49 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	49. Chapter 49

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*WARNING! I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products except for Herbert I own him*

"_Thinks he's the best,_

_Thinks he's the better twin,_

_Engages in kinky sex,_

_He shall never win, _

_Cause I'm the bestest,_

_I'm the hottie,_

_He's the Nottie…"_

Chapter 49: Whips, Cages, and Little White Dresses

"My twin has you handcuffed," I sighed to myself as I CAREFULLY looked at the little boy Rosie, locked in a cage in a little white dress.

Rosie shook his little curly boy hair, "I'm so scared!"

"Don't be I'm a very well known night in the Northern Earth region," I said with qualifications.

Rosie then said, "I'm so sad!"

I then flipped my hair cattily, "Well you're the effect." Then all of a sudden the door got kicked opened!

"And I'm the cause," It was my evil twin holding an axe in the doorway, he picked up his chainsaw!

Rosie then yelled, " I didn't know you had that you… you… EVIL EVIL ORC!"

Rosie stood up cowardly.

Then my evil twin yelled, "Ha ha that wont work don't you know that I'm EVIL!"

"Not this time," A mystical voice yelled heroically, It was Gandlaf! He was glowing and his robe was really white now and sparkling, his hair and beard was flowing too!

I yelled, "Gandalf!" I smiled.

Gandalf pointed at his eyes then to my twin and yelled, "YOU SHALL NOT PASSSS!"

"NOOOOO MY EYES," My evil twin yelled, everything was glowing like the sun in space. Gandalf was glaring as he powered up his magic. Then he put his two hands together yet open, then reached out in my twins direction, a big ball of painful magic got thrown at my twin!

Gandalf yelled, "There!"

My twin flew back, "Agh that hurts!"

Gndalf then told us, "Run young ones!" We did. We ran up to the bedroom. In there we saw Sam, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Aragon, and Legolas!

"Sweetie what's wrong you're with a little boy," Frodo asked me as he gave me a hug.

Legolas said while touching Rosie, " he's been doing bondage with Max."

Gimli smacked Legolas's stomach, "Hey don't say that there's a kid here!"

Aragon said with a sensitive look on his face, "Well maybe he doesn't know what it is."

Sam then asked the little boy, "Hey do you know what bondage is?"

Frodo hit Sam, "He knows no such thing!"

Rosie then said, "Your twin is friends with Sauron!"

I gasped, "What?"

Rosie then said, "Yeah him and the Orcs want to take over the world!"

We all just stood there as the music grew heavy, "Recently?"

Rosie then said, "Yes I heard him talk about in secret code to Sauron."

Legolas then sat in a corner, "Oh my gosh, this sucks!"

Rosie then said, "I want to say something worse."

We all just stood there as everything got quiet, "What?"

Rosie then said, "The only way for world domination is through the ring that Frodo has." The music grew heavy.

Legolas then said in a matter of fact way, "One ring to rule them all."

Then all of a sudden shocked everyone, Max came in. We all hid in his closet, he wore plain sweaters that were lame in the closet, how can we be related?

Max said, " Where are you rebel scum!"

Then Max yelled, "I'll let you know I have a axe!"

Sam gasped, "No you don't!" We all slapped him for being so stupid.

My evil twin opened up the closet we were trapped in, Gimli pulled out his gun!

"Young one stop, thy not doth want to have the painful of murder on thy heart," Gandalf said dangerously

Max laughed at us in the closet, "Ha ha finally coming out of the closet Herrrbert, or were you just trying to steal clothes from my closet?"

I rebuttled, "Ew no all these are from the Gap, you're so white!" We all laughed at the thought of white people.

My evil twin pointed and yelled, "You're white too!"

I responded confidently, "I'm not white I'm European."

He responded, "Ugh dang it!" We laughed again, He pulled out his axe!

"Where's my little Rosie," my twin said evilly.

Frodo showed off Rosie, "Right here we took him from you!"

"No," Evil twin yelled angrily. We all decided to escape and jumped out the third story window, Gandalf pulled out his carpet and we flew off!

Evil twin looked out the window and yelled, "I'm telling Sawramon about this!" Gimli showed off his middle finger, we gasped Pippin giggled he's not used to curse words, Gollum covered Pippin's eyes.

Meanwhile you see what happens in my twin's mansion.

"Ugh, my plans foiled again," He yelled and cried, undoing his ponytail angrily. He was wearing a black robe with a hood over his head.

Then my twin yelled, "minion come hither!" Then his evil servant hithered.

"Yes mister," The servant said loyally.

Then the evil one said, "Make sure Herbert and his friends get lead to Sawramon… GOLLUM!"

Gollum replied loyally and bowed, "Yes master I will also take the ring and, MURDER THEM!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 50 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	50. Chapter 50

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I own absolutely nothing none of the products, locations, characters, except for my boy Herbert The Hobbit!*

"_18 year old boy,_

_Want him as my toy,_

_I like black boys,_

_But I've been told,_

_He likes a 12 year old…"_

Chapter 50: How You Doin'?

"Thank goodness that's over," I sighed to myself as I pulled out and brushed my hair with it. We all were in the woods just hanging out and talking about upcoming doom that we need to stop via the RING and Mourdor.

Sam was stomping his feet while wiggling awkwardly, "I don't know what were supposed to do noooooooooow!"

Gandalf then put his fingers up to his own lips and said angrily, "Silence you fool of a took!" Sam whined but we are used to that, he's kind of a pain in the ass (I don't cuss).

"I has the map to Mourdor my precious," Gollum said adorably We all giggled and looked.

Frodo then said with his warm cute heart warming smile, "Were pretty close."

We all then said stimulously, "Yeah were so close, about 3 or 7 days away." These days we are really close and we all love each other, Im so happy. I still love Frodo too, he's pretty attractive.

"Aye but you need to be changing your clothes Herbwet," Gimli said with swag.

Gandalf then was flashing gang signs, "Straight up homie nizzle!" We all laughed and laughed, Gandalf is so funny.

We all then changed into our new clothes that we just bought yesterday. I was wearing a black long sleeves off the shoulder top, with purple shiny leggings, and silver boots.

Legolas whistled at me sexually, he was wearing a pink suede vest, jeggings, a white tank, and sexy sandals.

Everyone came out wearing fully dressed clothes, it was so cool, we all looked cool and warrior like. No one messes with us man.

Sam then said all cooly and innocently, "Dude look at this, I can do this!" We all looked Sam made a flame with his hand and burned the paper!

Gandalf then looked angry and tackled him hands over the mouth making sure he cant move away, "Stop you you fool of a took!" Then you heard the horses moving and the lanterns shaking in anger.

Sam looked shocked, "Oh my god what?"

Gandalf then said in a angry quiet childlike way, " Don't you know where this is, if your caught doing magic here they think you are a witch and they'll burn you and try to make you swim!" We all gasped, Jam is just so stupid, maybe we should kill him because he's so stupid. I didn't think that for long though, evil thoughts have been around me today, it scares me I've never killed anyone before.

Then all of a sudden our jacket was taken away we were no longer invincible!

Then a man on a dark horse yelled, "Welcome to Menistearith your under arrest!" We all gasped.

I yelled, "I'll save us with my magic powers," as they were carrying us away carrage.

Gandalf then yelled, "No its too dangerous!" I respect my elders (and my grandpa) so I didn't. We all were kidnapped as we were in a cage in the carrage.

Then all of a sudent we were in the kingdom!

Frodo said all scared, "Ah is this the end?"

Gandalf smacked him, "DON'T TALK LIKE THAT FOOL OF A TOOK!"

Then all of a sudden a man appeared wearing nothing but a long sexy white robe, with gelled back hair, and chest hair, he was hot it was…. Celeborn! We all were standing in amazment the soldiers were placing down carpets so your majesty wouldn't dirty his feet by us poor people ( I'm not poor but, Im not as rich as him). Sam almost fainted, he was a beautiful man, I was smiling.

Gandalf whispered to me, "Don't smile he might try to have sex with you, hes a player."

Celeborn looked angrily at everyone and rubbed his lip halfway in that sexy way. He pushed Sam, "Move bitch!"

Sam gasped and pulled out his sword, "Don't talk to me like that!"

Frodo yelled, "Sam no!"

Sam yelled, "Master Frodo!"

Gollum then started stabbing him with a knife! He was growling and foaming at the Mouth!

Everyone yelled, "AHHHHHHH!"

The reporters got Gollum in the dungeon, everyone clapped.

Gimli whispered to me, "what in the bloody galaxy was that rubbish?"

I looked nostalgically, "The Ring…"

Pippin whispered at me, "you think he was acting weird because of the ring?"

Cereborn looked at me, "Your Herbert The Hobbit."

I nodded.

Celeborn then said seriously nodding, "I want you in my room right now."

I worried "Oh I don't know…."

Celeborn looked at me and grabbed my hand, "Why not my precious?"

Legolas then came, " Hes not a whore, having sex with government officials for power have respect!"

Cereborn said, "No its political."

Herbert then said cutely, "Well all right then."

I walked up to his bedroom. He jumped on the bed and put his hand down.

Cereborn, "Come Herbert sit down."

I yelled, "No!"

Cerebone then said with a naughty wink, "But I have info on….. Mount DOOM!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 51 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	51. Chapter 51

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, products, or locations except for Herbert the sexiest hobbit alive!*

"_Cereborn wants me in his bed,_

_Id rather be dead,_

_Politics he said,_

_To his bed I was lead,"_

Chapter 51: Come Back

"Poiltics" I sighed to myself sexily while a sat down on the bed with Cereborn. I was scared because Cereborn was flirting and hinting at the sex.

Cereborn leaned in real close and looked me in the eyes, "Want to know everything?" I then puffed my cheeks and nodded all cute. Cereborn dramatically pulled out a knife!

I gasped dramatically, "Does that kill people!?" Celebit nodded evilly.

I gasped dramatically, "Does that kill people!?" Celebit nodded evilly. The force pulled me back to the wall and he was using his hands!

"Herbert do you know about magic?" Cereborn said showing his razor sharp demon teeth.

I yelled dramatically, "YOU ARE THE KING!"

Cereborn yelled evilly, "THE KING OF EVIL!"

I gasped, "You're not tricking me I know everything."

" I don't want to marry you Herbert I don't I don't want to marry you Herbert Herrrbert," Cereborn whined.

"Word around town says so," I said hands on hips.

Cereborn stopped his magic powers, "This is about the ring isn't it?" I nodded and squinted my eyes fiercely. Cereborn got out a map and gave it to my hands.

Cereborn put his face close to mine, "I want to help you Herbert the ring is evil you must destroy it."

I then said crying, "But I'm so scared!" Cereborn then put his forehead on mine brething really hard and moved my hair behind my ears I don't like my hair behind my ears I like my hair framing my face because it's better for my face shape (oval).

"Herbert you have no fear you are the chosen one," Cereborn said.

I gasped beautifully and shocked, "How did you know?"

Cereborn said sassily while looking at his nails, "I have connections to the spirit world."

Herbert looked seriously, "Do you know my dad?"

Cereborn said happily, "Childhood friends."

I said, "Oh." Gandalf then rushed in while holding Sméagol by the arm and Smeagol was crying!

"He's sick," Gandalf yelled!

"Oh no," Everyone yelled. Cereborn started to evilly laugh and floating around the room in a purple cloud.

Frodo yelled, "Oh no your evil!"

Cereborn laughed and said, "Yes I am, I tricked Herbert and he fell for it!"

Gandalf then said like a hero, "I didn't I have telekinis and ESP!" We all gasped.

Gandalf brought out his cane and it sparkled, "FEEL THE MAGIC!" I huge pink power beam shot out and hit Cereborn! Cereborn screamed and yelled.

Pippin asked dramatically, "Is good people too much for you?" Cereborn hissed and booed. Then all of a sudden the tower started shaking and lovely sounds started playing. The eye blew up the kingdom and killed people! Except for us we got blown up and landed on the field with Cereborn and the eye high flying in the sky high!

Frodo then yelled, "What is this evil spell you did?!" Cereborn laughed evilly.

Gandalf then yelled dramatically, "You are ludacris!"

Cereborn then yelled, "bet you didn't know I had magic powers that were EVIL!" We all gasped, I fell on the floor and almost fainted!

"HERBERT," Every one yelled and ran towards me.

"I have visions," I said very tired like.

"What," everyone asked concerned.

I said, "I think I know this man…." Cereborn laughed as his eyes glowed purple.

Herebrt then looked up dramatically, "You…. You…. You…."

Cereborn yelled, "SAY IT!"

I then yelled dramatically, "YOU KILLED MY PARENTS!" Everyone gasped.

Cereborn then said dramatically, "That's right!" He then floated in mid air and transformed into a firey big eye!

Cereborn then said, "I am…. SAWRAMON!

Stay Tuned For Chapter 52 of Herbert The Hobbit!


	52. Chapter 52

An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*I don't own any of the characters, locations, or products in this story except for the brand new Herbert!*

" _Frodo and sex,_

_It's the best,_

_I don't know,_

_that though,_

_We haven't done it yet…"_

Chapter 52: Let's Get Down To Business!

"You're the evil one," I sighed to myself sadly while rubbing my face with water drops dripping down my neck. The water drops went down my shirt and everyone stared. Hergid leaned to the side looking at me with his beard moving too.

Cereborn was now Sawramon, "I WILL KILL EVERYONE!"

Sam then yelled, "No you won't we will stop you!" We all hit Sam.

Merry then said, "Don't say that you imbisill did you know he's evil and owns a knife."

Gandalf then said bravely, "No he doesn't." We all gasped!

Sawramon gasped too, "How did you know?!"

Gandalf winked sassily, " Did you know I have telekinis and ESP!" Sawramon pounded the floor and growled when he looked up his hair was in his face.

Sawramon then said floating, "Do you know what I'm going to do now?"

Aragon then said threateningly, "No you could get arrested."

Sawramon then said quickly, "I should go maybe." Sawramon then ran on his feet, but he wasn't very fast because he's old. We looked at him run because we know we won the battle and he lost.

Gimli then held up the ring, "He is the all seeing eye and can see us from this ring though."

Pippin piped in, "We should kill the ring!"

Gandalf then said, "One does not simply kill the ring."

Gollum then nodded carefully and delicately, " My family has a ancient antique that I want to show you guys."

Pippin piped in, "That's stupid we need to destroy the ring!"

Gollum then said mysteriously, "My antiques hold secrets… about the ring." I then looked concerned at everyone. My grandpa Gandalf then rubbed my waist up and down.

Gandalf wet whispered in my ear, "Be brave son I'm hear I will protect you."

I yelled and got away from him, "I don't need protection."

Frodo looked shocked, "Everyone needs protection!" We then all dramatically entered the cave. It was hot so I took off my blazer showing off my sparkly tank top it was black.

Gollum crawled on the ground, "It's me precious family airloom!" He held up a secret map laying on the floor.

"Oh my god where does this go," I asked cutely as I touched Gollum on his shoulders and down to his chest in that flirty way from behind on Gollum from behind with my hands rubbing his shoulders down to his chest from behind.

Aragon rushed over, "I know this map!"

We all gasped, "REALLY?!"

Aragon nodded, "Yes in college."

Gollum put his fingers under Aragon's chin, "The that you were taught is shady b."

Aragon glared, "Who you calling shady."

Gollum then looked at him intensely, "You know what it is." Aragon pushed away.

Gollum then said, "This map shows how to get to Mount Doom if we throw the ring in the fires of mount doom it will be gone forever!"

Frodo then looked happily and innocently, "Oh we should go!"

"It's not that simple," Gollum said seriously.

Gandalf said, "I think we can take my magic carpet there."

Gollum then yelled, "NO the orcsies will sense your powers and send lasers from Sawramon…. Like he did to Herbert's parents!"

"NOOOOO," I yelled.

Gandalf smacked Gollum, "Herbert is sensitive you butt head!" Then all of a sudden the ring started to glow and shake.

Then the eye Sawramon appeared, "Hahaha you think you can kill me? Think again gay boys!" He then disappeared and Gollum got thrown back against the wall we all comforted him gentley with loving touching on him.

I stood up dramatically, "I believe we can do this if we have each other we just got to believe!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 53 of Herbert The Hobbit!


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